by Ifreke Inyang [@ifreke]

[ 10th Jan 2011 –  15th Jan 2011 ]

MONDAY: “Morning Twitworld,” @obiasika tweeted. “Shout out to anyone on my timeline and let’s get some positive energy out there to kick off our year!” @Omawumi kicked off our week on a fantastic note with her new single, ‘If you ask me’. “I love it. Simply smashing. New stuff, crazy delivery, vocals on point as usual. Ah, u go kill person. Worth the wait!” @HabeebLawal tweeted excitedly. @AyoShonaiya was enjoying another song somewhere else. “I’m enjoying catfish peppersoup & listening 2 Oyoyo at a joint in Ikeja,” he told us. “Half of d girls here are ashawos. Eko oni baje o…ju bayi lo!” Of course, it won’t. There is no relation between prostitution and the development of Lagos. One of the trending topics today was #WetinConcern. @Lambooty: “#WetinConcern Bicycle nd wiper?”, @CassBaba: “#WetinConcern Obasanjo wit Mr Universe? E fit win am?”, @sunmehysteria: “#WetinConcern Rick Ross wif pencil jeans?”. @NerdyGunner thought Messi had no business winning the Player of the Year. “FIFA and their politics. Messi is a great player but I don’t think he deserves that award.”

TUESDAY: Lionel Messi is not just a great player but a star. The trending topic for today was #IfNotForStardom. @jackhouston007: “#IfNotForStardom d whole MoHits Crew for be car washers, it wud be calld MoHits car wash (Ajegunle)!”, @MsJazzyfied: “#IfNotForStardom dat Rehab Bouncer for show Ikechukwu pepper!”, @Lambooty: “#IfNotForStardom Whizkid for still dey write JAMB, dey find admission..”, @Knewkeed: “#IfNotForStardom Tonto Dike’s kpanshing price wud av been curve1!”, @iamDeeTyson: “#IfNotForStardom Mr raw/Nigga Raw wud av been a bus driver in Enugu!”. @JennipherUkoh was in a cab not a bus and didn’t appreciate the story the driver was telling her. Her tweet read: “Ok, so I got into this cab and he’s tellin me abt his son’s baby mama? What’s up wiv dat?” There’s no telling if the cab driver was telling the truth or not, but another trending topic was #LiesITell. @LaoluSwaggz: “#LiesITell na true oh! I de dere when d ting happen!”, @Eminemish: “#LiesITell ‘sorry I didn’t pick, my phone was on silent..'”, @walegafar: “#LiesITell Me,regular for what??Am doing VIP o!”, @Swagga_Chukwu: “#LiesItell I miss u. Hehe, when I no b Yakubu!”

WEDNESDAY: @lannreMAX_Yomi was not in school and missing lectures but he didn’t bother. “So my guys don resume sch.. I still they here dey chase music..smh but not for long, d fruits of my labour  will soon be ripe!” he tweeted assuredly. @DemiladeR was in school but the lectures were boring. “The moment, I mean the exact second the lecturer said ‘I think I’ll stop there this week’, the sleep I was fighting vanished.” he tweeted. Arsenal are fighting on all fronts for a trophy. But they missed a chance to put one foot in the finals of the Carling Cup after they lost to Ipswich 1-0. “Wenger, exchange Eboue and Arshavin for a bottle of Kunu & Vodka respectively!” @badessst fumed. Even that is not possible in Nigerian movies, although the trending topic was #IfItWasANigerianMovie. @KevinWithAnL: “#IfItWasANigerianMovie Salt would really be about salt..”, @radeyo: “#IfItWasANigerianMovie Nigerian Akara would have up to 10 parts since American pie had about 5..”, @PlaybackGenius: #IfItWasANigerianMovie when someone sees Batman at night he will scream ‘The Bloooood of Jesus!’..”,  @Tunji_O: “Inception #IfItWasANigerianMovie Spiritual Dreams 1, 2 & 3..”

THURSDAY: Today, the trending topic was #YouNeedANewGirlfriend and #YouNeedANewBoyfriend. @DeoluASA: “#YouNeedaNewGirlfriend If she makes that Rainbow hairstyle in Omo Ghetto!”, @Lungindwandwe: “#YouNeedANewBoyfriend If he wears purple skinny jeans!”, @bleezers:  “#YouNeedANewGirlFriend if she gives timetable for sex every month.”, @ogunridehakeem: “#YouNeedANewBoyfriend if he never has credit and time to call you!”, @DrewBaba: #YouNeedANewGirlfriend if she finds Weird MC irresistible..”, @demididdi: “#YouNeedANewGirlfriend if she expects u to spend double of what her father earns in a month on her!” @ArabMoneySays was saving his money in a different way. He tweeted, “Trekkin all around Unilag to save my beloved N20 notes. No be suffer jor. Na fitness!” @sugabuhlz had an offer. “Predict and win a one way ticket out of Naija. Who will win the PDP presidential primaries being held in Abuja today?”

FRIDAY: The incumbent President, Jonathan Goodluck won it. He took former Vice-President, Atiku Abubakar and Sarah Jubril to the cleaners in the process. @gbengaadeyinka helped us with the figures. “Results have been announced. O God! Sarah Jibril got 1 vote, Atiku got 805 Votes, Goodluck got 2736 votes!” he tweeted. And of course, it was time for opinions on twitter. “So Jubril gt 1 vote yesterday, I’m sure it was d dude announcing results that jus freestyled & gave her one!” @mrfafo said. @4eyedmonk’s take on the only female aspirant was this: “I hope they find Sarah Jibril something….even if its an ambassadorial position to Sao Tome…”. Opinions were kind of divided about the winner. “#TeamGoodluck’s overwhelming success shows the good sense in harnessing the power of social media..” @OreFakorede tweeted. @DejiAriyo didn’t think so. “Who was actually suprised about the result?! You don’t lose when you have Obasanjo at your back!” For the biggest loser, a new word was coined in his honour. “A new word has bin added to 2 d dictionary -ATIKU,” @ayomariliat announced. “It means someone who has bin abandoned or denied by his/her own people, association, family or friends.” There was far more important information from @coatson005. It read: “Registration starts tomorrow. Pls, register select vote and protect dat vote!”

SATURDAY: @ayenithegreat heeded that call. His tweet said that much. “Now to step out and go register. Will be voting for the first time ever…” @LAkintobi however couldn’t get to register today. “I didn’t register today after all, they were willing, but ill-equipped & not well trained. I’ll go back there tomorrow. I’m sad 🙁 #RSVP” The term RSVP comes from the French expression ‘répondez s’il vous plaît’, meaning ‘please respond’ but it is widely known to mean ‘Register, Select, Vote & Protect’ in Nigeria these days. Tweeps gave us more ‘Nigerian English’ with the trending topic, #EnglishMadeInNigeria. @laidbackvick: “#EnglishMadeInNigeria Na you mess”, @pengboiz “#EnglishMadeInNigeria I used sense for u”, @musteebabs: “#EnglishMadeInNigeria thunder go fire U!”, @hotspicy_03: “#EnglishMadeInNigeria why you dey beef me?”, @gman_moola: #EnglishMadeinNigeria “if I hear pim!…u go hear wehh!”, @seunomis: “#EnglishMadeInNigeria this film is not sweet!”, @sageblack: “#EnglishMadeInNigeria I can’t shout!”, @iJeuruu: “#EnglishMadeInNigeria Abeg Shift small..”, @Mz_Angiie: “#EnglishmadeinNigeria Pls flash my number when u’re ready..”, @popedahitman: “#EnglishMadeInNigeria Free dat babe runs, she no go gel, she be spirikoko!!”

Gbagaun of the Week: Have your pick!

@coocomae: A man who would cheat on me is nt a worthy of me #justsaying

@kolozie: Abuja sun don startd again ooo

@Kikibubu27othys: I wanted to went and saw my uncle

@Samiiiieeee: @notjustok.com, one best things that have happened to Naija Music Industry

@MMDaggash: what should i do people she keeps crying..am call d reception

@Detola3000 The indomie has ready

@streetlife:my oga has join facebook. the world as i been know am just ended!

@idralbaba: I tweeting my day oga! Leave me alone o!

@suzietrick: Am send u 2 hell with a bullet up ur ass *lol

@muyiwa_agoro: Girls …thanks 4 d flattered

@Mis_em: My dear, BIS is expires 2mao and I wanna leave airtel

@LuSeaBee: Let the dead ones lie in peace…n c if does alive tell the truth

@Kartoon101: @optixbaba Who else where nominated?

@Babatundetalks: I think there are too much tragic in the world. We need PEACE

@chizzy247: @Lhanray u of course! who do u think am hold?

Tweet of the Week: @SNN_Headlines: Atiku seen doing frog jump round desk in IBB’s office afta falling his hand in PDP primaries

Recommended: @Tufab is one crazy, witty, and outspoken tweep! You’ll enjoy his tweets on your timeline.

Quote my tweet: @kennethokolie:Yo! People! Don’t mind d rumours o! I was shot only once with a shot gun! Just once! But d pellets spread and 13 of them hit me!

Rant of the Week: @exschoolnerd: Some people are immensely daft! U say u want to b on a show, u didn’t ask what d show was abt n nw I contact u n giv u details, nw u say it’s 419…

Retweet of the week: @seyimanu said in his tweet: “Dream Order:Amala 140 Naira with gbegirri and ewedu,1 Ogufe,2 pomo,2 ranbadout,3 beef plus 2 shilled fayrouz.1 before and the other after..”, @busy_brain retweeted and said, “I knw Wande Coal is ur target. U’ll get dere!”

Seriously Tweeting: @Mizkeji: Okay, dis Muna chic can like to give up talking to a beat, go n dust her crown n wear jare… Is dis music???

Mark this tweet: @junkyp: @Ogagus u r d worst nigga I have met in ma lyf,,,,OGaGA mark ma words, dat tym wen dis ur attitude wld catch up wif u,,,u’ll regret lyf

Twitter Beef: @mrfabulash:  You stole my tweet! So don’t act dumb!

@Datz_Mii: I’m not acting dumb.. Ur plain dumb u stupid goofball I ddnt see ur name on it, so y d fuck r u complaining lyk ur a stupid baby.

@mrfabulash: Courtesy demands that u retweet it. So stop pissing me off or ull be hearing from my block button.

@Datz_Mii: See this mumu ooh! Wots so special about ur block button?! @mrfabulash Abeggy! Run to hell!

@mrfabulash:  I have had to put up with ur ugly avatar for too long, but no more, you dumb bitch. Stop being a ho and get a life u 4kin retard.

@Datz_Mii:  Abeg @mrfabulash carry your daftness away from my mentions and go n burn.. Kmt Stupid spoilt brat.. Mschewwwww dunce

@mrfabulash:  I advise you get a head scan or a HIV test so we can figure out the root of ur problem. Perhaps its spiritual stupidity affectin u

@Datz_Mii:  Beware!!! this person, @mrfabulash is infected with stupidity, stay away from him as it can be contacted

@mrfabulash:  Ur avatar clearly shows ur too broke to get your hair done? Poor much? Just look 4me ill give u 20bucks and turn ur life around.

@Datz_Mii: @mrfabulash buhahahaha ur as retarded as a lost puppy u man-prostitute! My avatar ugly?? Take a look at urs n stfu bastard

@mrfabulash: Bitch, ur avatar causes nightmares! U want to compare that caricature u call a picture 2 mine? Ugliness obv causes stupidity.

@Datz_Mii: it’s choooking u oooh! Go nd hug transformer

@mrfabulash: I advise you get a head scan or a HIV test so we can figure out the root of ur problem. Perhaps its spiritual stupidity affectin u

@Datz_Mii: Am serz that retard is so fucking annoying.. Take a look at his after, therz no difference btwn him nd an area

@mrfabulash: See, u dumb ho? It’s avatar not after!

@Datz_Mii: yeeey!! Don’t say that in public.. U luk lyk u’ve not bn fed for years n u’ve bn seriously maltreated by ur madam. Infact abeg help me compare @mrfabulash ‘s avatar with @Datz_Mii ‘s own

@mrfabulash: Sorry but ive gone to attend to actual human beings. Pls leave a message for my assistant Hand, and feel free to converse with him.

Twitter Drama: @odinabarbie: I cnt hang wit any guy dat dnt eat pussy..u v to eat…suck..filter..tease. Smell me..

@marqvee: Mscheeeew! oniranu!

@odinabarbie: I kno he cnt be tlkin to his mama!

@marqvee: call der mother…..mudafucking HOE!

@odinabarbie: #ihatemaleswho all dey kno is to cal a girl hoe..ashawo….plz wat did der parent do to v dey

@marqvee: Go suck a DICK for a livin!

@odinabarbie: #ihatemaleswho..dat av no respect for ladies.. dead fool!

@marqvee: See ds #DEADIFIED mudafucking DICK sucking,anal pouting ,SHIIT!

@odinabarbie: #ihatemaleswho…fink they got loud mouth…..*swine!*

@marqvee: #wecanallAgreethat  @odinabarbie sucks DICK for a LIVING..

@odinabarbie: Tell mi ur mother dat gave birth to yhu dnt fuck/suck dick…..*twisted brain*

@marqvee: #NigeriasworstPhenomenom d advent of  @odinabarbie,, d worst tweep of all

@odinabarbie: Yea I suck dick…..yea am a cunt….wat u gonna do abt dat….*gag ur self*or go to fb dats whr staid waifs lik u r…*bastard*

@marqvee: Bitch wiv no class,Shags for a low Cash @odinabarbie

@odinabarbie: Oh r yhu serz….I vnt even done yhu so why cryin….newaiz…..guess dats wat ur sisters does

@marqvee: Oniranu oshi, oloriburuku, ashewo, ooshi,, na DICK u dey chase up and down, ur mates ar makin it BIG,u av notn to shw for,, evn ur avatar sef,na #DEAD,

@odinabarbie: *yawn*…..u will neva sleep on mi….cuz am a badt cunt…n am gona twist ur stinkin dick very soon…..u manpie.. deadduck on heat

@marqvee:  Even from ur AVATAR, #WecanAllAgreethat ur pussy has d worst smell eva,,

@odinabarbie: Dats not new….did ma client complain….son of strt slot…..plz who is ur fada…fadaless bastard

@marqvee: Na b be ur papa,g o do maternity test OMO jati jati!

@odinarbarbie: Raz asswipe….u cn whip ma hair dickhead….hater dey call u….NFA..ur surname….plz hug transfomer…madt boi on d str.. #TrueConfession….so ur mama sucks dick to feed u!

@marqvee: Shey,, Mrs Odina shey??

@odinabarbie: Ur whole generation….I wil feed dey wit ma cunt….jus ma feedin alwi in sch…wil pay ur school fee 10x…yea am a bitch…I get rilly cash…*zombie*

@marqvee: Even from ur AVATAR, #WecanAllAgreethat ur pussy has d worst smell eva,,

@odinabarbie: u dat wana ride a lady……ur sister none of dem cn stnd mi…I will fuckn lay der shit out….who r yhu…empty vessel

@marqvee: Aunty How market ds night na,, shey make I come??

@odinabarbie: more u diss mi d more I get more followers…go on fool…..guess ur moda got dick lik yhu……fadaless manpie

@marqvee: See as ds Douche Bag of a Bitch jst de #gbagaun sef

@odinabarbie: I hate a guy dat does aproko….*pry*

@marqvee: how does it feel to be widout class ?? OH I forgt,sorry,,, u receive ur Lectures from shagging pitbulls

@odinabarbie: Wow….am fuckin rich den…do u know how much am b gvin……it wil buy ut life…ur future…..n dat of ur waif family……*housenboi*tryin to be*wanabe*

@marqvee: #ihatefemales dat ar sex crazy, actin like a Retarded Junky,, sperm is their diet … Apparently their pussy has d worst reeking smell,, #imJustSaying

@odinabarbie: wats ur P…I dnt kno u..why do u keep stalkn mi…..plzz go n die else whr n lemi alone..aint d only cunt u kno..ur mum n sis r bniches too…go die wit dem n leave ma TL

@marqvee: #ihatefemales dat act like sluts and all,,all dey tweet about is sex,ironically  dey ar d worst wen it comes to d real thing….. Pssssst

@odinabarbie: Oh..hater..is dat ur P..sorry dats ma hobby…..I swallow sperm….I suck dick…I fuck dick..like ur dead moda n sis

@marqvee: Ur folks ar obviously wasting money sendin u to skool, go apply for Porn..

@odinabarbie: U r jus a fool….is der a p in lovin dick…*omg..ma pussy is wet…I wana cum now..who wnts mi…oh!…shit…*cow*

@marqvee: ” U can’t answer all ur haters, its like counting sand……. At some level, u’ll see no point.”….