by Stanley Azuakola

Another First for the First Lady

Nigeria’s First Lady, Dame (Dr) Patience Jonathan successfully hosted an International Retreat on Protocol, Etiquette and Administration for wives of top government functionaries. The ladies learnt how to sew, wash plates, tie their gele and prepare instant noodles. She said the decision to gather “her fellow wives under one umblerra” was because it pained her to see “big women acting like they weren’t brought up well as chudren.” The First Lady will host three other events this year namely a widows’ spelling bee (the winner will be first lady for one minute), a public speaking workshop and a seminar on How to play the media, Hug the limelight and Trend on twitter.

Nigeria can win London 2012 –expert

A disaster-rebounding expert, Dr Husaid Sow, has argued that Nigeria can win next year’s London Olympics if and only if it’s represented wholly by Lagos athletes. According to him, “After Hurricane Katrina struck New-Orleans, the New-Orleans Saints won the American Superbowl Baseball Championship. After the Japan tsunami and nuclear crisis, the Japanese team won the 2011 Women Soccer World Cup. It’s therefore evident that following the unprecedented drowning of Lagos, Nigeria can win gold in all events it enters for at the Olympics if represented by Team Lagos.”

That they may serve

There has been a 200percent increase in number of NYSC applications ever since the NYSC Director-General, Maharazu Tsiga, announced that corpers will “soon” be paid the princely sum of fifty thousand naira monthly. Most new applicants are married, over forty years old, and had earlier served in the 80s. They claimed it was love for Nigeria that spurred their desire to re-serve. Not even information that the only available spots were in Boko State could stop applications from flooding in “like JTF bullets.”

What if Murdoch was a Nigerian?

Australian-American media mogul, Rupert Murdoch has come under fire in Britain over allegations that some of his papers illegally hacked phone-lines. Investigations are currently underway. Meanwhile, a Nigerian governor who spoke to A Pinch of N(u)ews on condition of anonymity, offered advice to Murdoch. He said Murdoch must now seize the initiative by doing the following:

1. Deny it. “The allegations are outright falsehood and downright malicious.”
2. Blame crisis on “the powerful toes” your papers stepped on while discharging their duties.
3. Get the support of three important groups:

–         Australian-American Elders Forum: To address a press conference decrying the victimisation of “our son” by the British people.

–         Austro-American Mama’s Union: To march half-naked to Parliament in protest.

–         Youths Arise for Murdoch (YAM): To shut down London Bridge for a day in solidarity.

1. Obtain a perpetual injunction from a competent court restraining the police from ever prosecuting you.
2. Enter a plea bargain (as last resort). What’s a few billion pounds to you? You’ll surely bounce back.

Crowned Clown of the Week: The CeeCee this week goes to Governors Olusegun Mimiko (Ondo) and Rochas Okorocha (Imo). Lack of funds supposedly hindered government from acceding to labour’s pitiful N18,000 minimum wage demand, yet Gov. Mimiko – defying logic – appointed a whopping 251 special advisers (SAs). Why does the governor need a SA on improved relationship with Goodluck Jonathan? Why appoint 9 special assistants to special advisers and 8 special assistants without any defined portfolio? Gov. Rochas on his part, with over 75 advisers conjured the ridiculous by appointing a Chief Comedian among other crazy appellations. Not even the most thick-brained human needs that much “special advice.” It’s obvious that the intention is to run government like a permanent campaign. Nigeria cannot afford that. For their recklessness, Governors Mimiko and Okorocha, as well as the assemblies that validated their charade receive the CeeCee.

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