by Cheta Nwanze

My own opinion? Looking at the scratches made by the “bullets” it would appear that the would be assassins suffer from our national disease, gross incompetence.

First things, I must sincerely apologise for the unannounced break, I was in the Niger Delta for a few days, and the internet facilities, including mobile networks, left a lot to be desired. At least my brothers in Ikogosi, Ekiti  will know that from next week when number portability comes on-stream, they can all move to MTN. Those in Aviara, Isoko would have no such luck. All the networks are [snip – Chxta’s Editor]. Then after the weekend spent in the wilderness, one had to return to Lagos on that Federal Government Approved Obstacle Course. Can someone give me #DoyinOkupe’s number so he will pay for my Dakar Rally form?

On a more serious note, it is easy to see why 51 people died in an accident close to Ore last week. That road is as messed up as they come, and considering the importance of that road to Nigeria, one wonders why it is taking so long to work on it. This editorial tells us about a lot of other roads which have taken the leap from being mere obstacle courses, to becoming death traps. A fact that i not one of Nigeria’s best kept secrets anyway.

Speaking of secrets, it is no secret that the Prez wants to run for a second term on 2015. However, for a long time, he has demurred, prevaricated and finally, behind the scenes of course, set up a committee to look into the viability of running in 2015. No prizes for guessing what the committee would recommend.

Whether the committee would include some Igbo youth leaders remains to be seen. Twelve of the youth leaders were “invited to see the Prez” in Abuja by someone purporting to be the Uncle Reuben. Obviously expecting wads of cash, they promptly embarked on a night journey to Abuja for the largesse that was to follow. When they got to their destination, they were lodged in, wait for it, Gwagwalada. The next day, drama as they were taken to Aso Rock by way of Suleja. They are still alive to tell the tale.

Given that our different communal crises in Nigeria appear, rather sadly, to be assuming a religious dimension, maybe it was members of #BokoHaram that wanted to eliminate potential opposition? Forgive my conspiracy theories, but hey, MEND buys into it, so the guys at MEND will drop their guns for an all too brief moment, take up their crosses, kiss the crosses, then embark on a crusade.

That is as soon at they find three new armourers to replace the ones that were shut down by the men-in-black in Delta state.

 

Bits and bobs

The Black Pearl managed to import N1.5 billions worth of petrol into the country. Expect Captain Jack Sparrow to receive a Presidential Pardon soon enough.

There will soon be more check points outside Warri. The number one khaki wants to recruit another 50,000 khakis to man the points.

Apparently the networks were lying their heads off when they told us that they have started using their optical cables to provide us with “broadband”.

Finally, former BigMan, Dino Melaye suffered an “assassination” attempt yesterday. The more cynical among us would believe that the Boston Marathon Bombings simply took the shine away from what may have been a poorly orchestrated PR stunt. My own opinion? Looking at the scratches made by the “bullets” it would appear that the would be assassins suffer from our national disease, gross incompetence.

—————————-

 

Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.