monkey business

Ifeanyi Dike Jr: Have I mentioned the time my entire family got detained again?

by Ifeanyi Dike Jr There was my mother and sister who were on the UK Immigration Blacklist for trying desperately to smuggle in ogbono, crayfish and miscellaneous. Last week, I was a little too generous – I agreed to travel with all of my nuclear family, knowing to full extent how bad a decision this... Read More

monkey business

Ifeanyi Dike Jr: You have to understand something; my sister is delusional

by Ifeanyi Dike Jr Last year, she met Tuface, Mai and Banky W through me, and spontaneously began to weep as though she already readied the tears for whenever she ran into them. My sister, Lotanna Dike is a lunatic and I wouldn’t have it any other way. She thinks the same of me, even... Read More

ifeanyi dike jr, monkey business

October 28, 2012

Ifeanyi Dike Jr: Bad things come to those who wait

by Ifeanyi Dike Jr Sean is the best road trip bud. He is melodramatic and does not suffer fools in Lagos traffic; instead, he conjures up hilarious Yoruba insults and gesticulates in a very matter-of-fact manner. Today was going to be a good day. Not only was it my first day as an actor, Sean... Read More

monkey business

October 21, 2012

Ifeanyi Dike Jr: I came, I saw, I shoplifted

by Ifeanyi Dike Jr Imagine what more I could mistakenly wear out and if I got caught, I would simply say it was unintentional and then pay for it. But you know me Ifeanyi, I never get caught. I have a series of uniquely diverse friends – they spice up my life, and I theirs.... Read More

monkey business

October 14, 2012

Monkey Business: Dad is a merciful Dad (well, sort of)

by Ifeanyi Dike Jr I did not even know what vulnerable meant at the time but having heard Hilda Dokubo say it in a crying scene, I knew it was something to be sympathised with. Dad is a ‘spare the rod’ sort of parent – always has been. Once in a well-spaced out while however,... Read More

monkey business

October 7, 2012

Monkey Business: Today was particularly peculiar

by Ifeanyi Dike Jr ‘I did not save your life and frankly, I think you are a pshyco. I don’t like you and I don’t like what you are proposing’ I said, as I wore my sunglasses and walked off. It is almost impossible to find Nigerians at airport check-in without heaps of luggage... Read More

monkey business

Monkey Business: You have to earn my thrust

by Ifeanyi Dike Jr Let me tell you about Ray – he has bad breath and a face you just want to punch. Also, he is a liar, the idiot kind There is no such thing as a bad friend. There are either friends or enemies – period! Sometimes however, we encounter snakes and scorpions... Read More

monkey business

Monkey Business: Children of Nowadays

by Ifeanyi Dike Jr Take this as digest – you have never known true satisfaction until you’ve told someone quite deserving off. The phrase ‘children of nowadays’ has never been said to me with negative insinuation three times in one day. This means I’m becoming increasingly unappealing to the preceding generation. Perhaps I should do... Read More

monkey business

Monkey Business: Have I mentioned the time I got detained at Heathrow

by Ifeanyi Dike Jr Other times, when cuteness just wasn’t enough, I would fake temporary paralysis – and it worked wonders. All my life until now, detention eluded me. In my missionary secondary school for example, there were punishments for actions that were previously permissible until you committed them, then suddenly, they became forbidden... Read More

detention, heathrow, monkey business

Monkey Business: Vengeance is moms’

by Ifeanyi Dike Jr After all, the fear of Mrs Dike is the beginning of wisdom. The only truth I’ve known for sure since I got an inkling of the concept of crime and punishment is that my mother has my back. As a pre-schooler, I would cry inconsolably when someone upset me until my... Read More

monkey business

Monkey Business: A really good lie will (not) set you free

by Ifeanyi Dike Jr I once told my primary school teacher, my house burnt down with my homework in it. When has the truth ever set anyone free? I’ll tell you – never! Whether it’s lying to your friends about your garage full of Hummers or lying to your boss about how your wife had a... Read More

love and relationships, monkey business

Monkey Business: Karma needs to go on a break

by Ifeanyi Dike Jr There used to be manners, where I would never catch myself exchanging words with an older person for whatever reason until Lagos driving happened to me. Karma needs to chill for a bit. Who’s with me? I mean, she just gets in the way. And sometimes, we need to invigorate ourselves... Read More

karma, lagos roads, monkey business, Relationships

Monkey Business: Today, I am a hero

by Ifeanyi Dike Jr Today, there was no mischief, just heroism. And it felt damn good. It is not very often that one enjoys the privilege of an interesting bus trip, free of noisome pestilence. When the chance comes, embrace it, regardless of the form it takes. As usual, after boarding the bus to... Read More

monkey business

Monkey Business: Don’t bore us – get to the Chorus!

by Ifeanyi Dike Jr God knows the number of lies I’ve told this year to employers and class reps just to keep up with my schedule. From cancer scares to asthma attacks and therapy sessions, I had faked it all. Occasionally, I take time off my busy schedule to attend classes. Particularly hectic is filming... Read More

Benin, classes, monkey business, shalewa, Tinsel

Monkey Business: I don’t get mad, I get even II

by Ifeanyi Dike Jr Moments later, my tongue began to itch and my face gradually reddened and swelled. The last time I felt this sick was the first time I ate pineapple. Everyone at the studio is well aware of my pineapple allergy. I had clearly stated that pineapple and its relations were the bane... Read More

allergies, diva, Doctors, monkey business

Monkey Business: I don’t get mad – I get even

by Ifeanyi Dike Jr Why some individuals think they need to be arrogant, ruthless b***hes to move ahead in the Fashion Industry is beyond me The pre-buzz for a certain fashion and music show that held in Lagos a few months ago became unbearable and rather annoying. I absolutely had to attend! Imagine my delight... Read More

fashion, monkey business, opinion

Monkey Business: I had sex on the beach

by Ifeanyi Dike Jr Editor’s Note: Today, we launch the weekly column of writer, content producer and actor, Ifeanyi Dike Jr. This blog, Monkey Business, will come to you every Sunday – and you’ll love it! Dig in. Usually, these cyber relationships simmer down to sex and nothing more so I made a conscious effort... Read More

beach, monkey business

September 22, 2011

Monkey Business: In Transit II

by Ifeanyi Dike Jr I still cannot decide if this trip was more hustle than holiday. I had only just recovered from the drunken couple when the London riot threatened my plan to raid the entire stores on Oxford Circus. There was also the enduring thought of the work I had waiting on my... Read More

monkey business, transit

September 9, 2011

Ifeanyi Dike Jr: In transit

by Ifeanyi Dike Jr I do not converse in transit, period! I am not the sort to do back-stories on an airplane or any kind of travel. However, there are the occasional exceptions for interesting looking people with the promise of a post-transit relationship or at least a facebook friendship. Under no other circumstance... Read More

ifeanyi dike jr, monkey business, transit

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