Monkey Business: You have to earn my thrust

by Ifeanyi Dike Jr

Let me tell you about Ray – he has bad breath and a face you just want to punch. Also, he is a liar, the idiot kind

There is no such thing as a bad friend. There are either friends or enemies – period! Sometimes however, we encounter snakes and scorpions disguised as doves until push comes to shove.

Last summer in Europe, I was looking only to make friends with benefits – but not the sex kind, the merchandise kind. I really wanted an iPhone and I had just passed my first professional exam – I deserved it gad damn it! Except that, I didn’t have the money. So, my strategy was to supply sex in exchange for merchandise.

This is why I was grateful when I met a Jamaica online. You see, her parents clung to their heritage dearly and named their daughter accordingly. Jamaica and I had an interesting internet relationship that flourished quickly.

When it was time to meet physically, I got creative knowing that she would never pay me for sex (like anyone would). So, I told her I was in New Castle and that the only way to meet and show her this love that I had relentlessly professed was for her to send me the fare to London and she did – twice. Even though I was really in London and needed no money to get to her.

Dear Lord! I couldn’t get Jamaica off my back.

She’d send me text messages if she wasn’t already calling  and this was quite hard to cope with because I couldn’t understand clearly, her thick Jamaican accent and , I was uninterested in extended interactions once I got my iPhone.

She’d say ‘I hear Nigerians are scams but I’m so glad you are for real baby’, almost as if she was trying to blackmail me emotionally – and it worked a little.

As I was preparing to return to Nigeria, I decided to leave her in the care of my former long-time friend, Ray to console her when my number is suddenly permanently unreachable.

Let me tell you about Ray – he has bad breath and a face you just want to punch. Also, he is a liar, the idiot kind. Like a moth emerging from its cocoon, Ray had reached the final stages of lying – now, he was just pathetic. He lied because he searched for validation in bulk and he was the best man for the job because he liked this kind of nonsense very much. Though Ray really is an okay guy, but in small doses.

I invited him on one of our hangouts and the pair of them were acquainted rather fast (the better for me. In fact, I gave them space). On my train-ride back with Ray, he told me all sorts about Jamaica. She might have as well been the rascal harlot of London from the picture he painted. Over-his-dead-body was he going to have anything to do with her whether I was disappointed or not.

The next morning, Jamaica woke me up with what is till date my most startling phone conversation.

She minted such Jamaican insults that shook my insides in ways I had never been shaken – Its effect – almost orgasmic! She knew my London address, and had stolen my father’s phone number from my phone with grand plans to damage me.

‘Relax J, tell me what I did’.

‘Do not f**king J me you user. Mi afi stab you. A fi tear your intestine’.

‘Me? Why would I be using you? I stuttered ’I care very much about you’.

‘Shut-up you bastard. If you don’t return all the money I ever spent on you, I’ll kill you. Don’t mess with me, I know your house and I can call your dad’.

She had found me out. Perhaps she saw my travel details on my phone. Now, I had to pay back money I did not have. I had to run to my sister for help.

I immediately told Ray everything. Shocked as I was, he sympathized with me.

Before the plane took-off, Jamaica left me a voicemail.

‘I thought you should know’ she said ‘Your friend came back to my house and spent the night that day you introduced us both. When you spoke to him about how you were using me, he put his phone on speaker so I could hear’.

I was breathless.

I wanted to call him and say unfortunate things to him but I’d just wait. He is after all living in London illegally. That’s enough to work with soon as I get to immigration.

‘See you soonest Ray : )’ I mailed him.

Comments (3)

  1. So basically, what you mean to tell us is that you’re a scam artist? coo beans.

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