by Frank Kobola

What does that say about me? Is this how Tom Cruise felt at the end of Jerry Maguire, except instead of running through an airport I’m just sort of into vibrating stuff on my wiener, but still this is an epiphany.

1. Does that whole thing go inside you? Like, all of it? That looks so long. Is your vagina like a magician’s sleeve?

2. What does it feel like? Is it like driving on the rumble strips on the side of the highway except with your vagina? I kinda of picture it like the scene in Apollo 13 when they’re reentering the atmosphere and gritting their teeth and everything is falling apart except also all the astronauts are coming.

3. Do you just hang out with it? Listen, if I had something that could make me orgasm with minimal effort, that thing would be on my penis 24/7. I’d be coming while doing my taxes, walking down the street, meeting the President. I’d never take it off.

4. How do you wash it? Is it dishwasher safe?

5. Doesn’t it hurt? That thing is like 15 horsepower. Seems like putting a motor on your most sensitive parts wouldn’t be great? But what do we know.

6. How many batteries does it take? Does it need to be hooked up to a car battery, or does it take one AAA? Wait, how disappointing is it when it runs out of batteries in the middle of things?

7. Is it better than my penis? No matter what you say, I will never believe you.

8. Wait, you can just put it on your vagina? I thought you just like, had sex with it. What is this sorcery?

9. Isn’t it like, cold? Does that feel weird? Is it like the touch of a Dementor?

10. Don’t touch me with it! Yeah, I said it was ok to bring it in the bedroom, but don’t like, touch my penis with it. IT TICKLES AND I DON’T WANT TO BE TICKLED DURING SEX!

11. Ok, that felt kind of good. Is it weird that I liked it? What does that say about me? Is this how Tom Cruise felt at the end of Jerry Maguire, except instead of running through an airport I’m just sort of into vibrating stuff on my wiener, but still this is an epiphany.

12. Do you ever like… put it in your butt? I’m just wondering, is all.

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Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.