Adeboro Odunlami: With a lot more exclamation marks [NEW VOICES]

My mom is a worrier.

Before I was conceived, she worried that I would never come. And when I did, she overtly searched out scary tales of painful childbirth and feasted on them, worrying that our story would be indexed in the pile as well.

My mom said I was born on a heavily rainy day, and while she competed with the thunder to make the loudest noise, a part of her mind wondered if her congratulations would eventually be in order. After three hours of intense groaning, I came out of her, wrinkled and red, having my personal encounter of the ultralight beam. As I yelled and shrieked and the nurses smiled at my mother and offered her their congratulations, my mother faded into la-la land worrying that the doctors would discover that my brain was indeed a mass of peanuts or whether I had been born with two sexual organs.

I grew up, and for a while, I stayed faithful to every parent’s dream of continuity as I took over my mother’s business of worrying. I was allergic to congratulations as no congratulations was logical enough to appeal to me in its totality. It was like my brain was forever on a ‘but what if’ mode.

‘Congratulations! You are a child and are entitled to the free luxury of oblivion and carefreeness’

‘Yeah, but what if I have to pay for that when I’m an adult?’

‘Congratulations! You’re an adult and I don’t see any bill coming’

‘Damn. That means I didn’t maximize my childhood days’

‘Congratulations! You got offered admission to study your dream course!’

‘Yeah, but what if I wake up in the middle of the session and realize I don’t want it anymore?’

‘Congratulations! You still love your dream course’

‘Yeah, but what if I never excel at it?’

‘Congratulations! You’re leading your class this year’

‘Yeah, but what if I don’t lead it the next year? I suddenly believe in luck. What if this was just luck?’

‘Congratulations! You’re still leading your class.’

‘Crap. Now I have to lead the class even after school. Pressure. Stress.’

‘Congratulations!, you graduated with a first class’

‘Yeah. Have you heard what job employers are saying about the University certificates of my generation?’

‘Congratulations! You scored your dream job’

‘Thanks, but entrepreneurship is the new successful – even when you fail at it’

‘Congratulations! You’re a consistent business person, cashing out’

‘Yeah. But what is the future of what I have built in the face of evolving technology and young creative hipsters?’

‘Congratulations! You are beautiful’

‘Yeah? Have you gone on Instagram? Why can’t I have a relationship like @MyBoyfriendIsBeardGang’

‘Congratulations! You have numerous rich beard gang suitors’

‘Yeah, but what if they are like all men – the same.’

‘Congratulations! You found a genuine un-the-same man who loves you and loves God’

‘Yeah, but what if… I don’t know. Look how Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt turned out; and they were perfect’

‘Congratulations! You are married!’

‘Hmm… Yeah. Have you read all those MakeItOrBreakIt stories?’

‘Congratulations! You husband is a decent man and you have a decent marriage’

‘Yeah? So why doesn’t God deem us fit to have children?’

‘Congratulations! You’re pregnant!’

‘Yeah? What if I lose the baby? Or worse still, die giving birth?’

‘Congratulations! You are a proud mother!’

‘Yeah, but what if my child turns out wrong? Sick? Mentally or physically’

That was how I went round the full circle and came to where my mom was when she had me. But then, I was blessed enough to snap out of it and realize, that there may never be a time I’d say, ‘I’m 100% certain of the nitty gritty details of my future and so I accept your congratulations in its totality.’

It’s the end of the year and most of us Nigerians are not quite sure what the future holds (and this isn’t even because of the sudden fog and harmattan). The economy is shutting up congratulations and people are living uncertain of a future they can create.

But that’s not quite necessary. It costs nothing to take a congratulations and hope for more of it. And if you’re worried about 2017, the simple cure is to daily live out the year in a way that’ll make you feel more worthy of congratulations at the end of it.

Illustration

‘Congratulations! You made it to the end of 2016!’

Wrong Reply: ‘Really? Or do you mean to say 2016 is witnessing the end of me?’

Right Reply: ‘Thank you!!! And although 2016 was a little rough, I promise myself to say ‘thank you’ at the end of 2017, with a lot more exclamation marks.’


Adeboro is a graduate of Law, a photographer and a collector of experiences. You probably, most likely, already know her.

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