Happy elections. Don’t think I’m crazy for greeting you happy elections. In Nigeria we greet people about everything. You have to get used to this now because you are coming back home. So, Eku election.
I very much understand that you will soon be sent packing from there, so I have taken it upon myself to prepare you for the transition. You have just a little time left there, utilize that time to learn more about the Nigeria that you are coming back to.
In Nigeria, we don’t have light. Buy power bank while coming. Don’t say I didn’t tell you. Buy power bank from there because the ones here are just like your marriages: they don’t last. Buy a quality one from abroad when coming. Also, make sure you charge your phone fully before coming here. You should also save money for generator.
Buy rechargeable lamps and plenty torchlights too.
Also, save enough money for subscription. There is no free WiFi here. For those of you that will be settling in Lokoja, Jidenna and Co, I’ll advice you to buy a Glo line. Their network is strong. Save enough money for emergency transport. You will be deported to Nigeria and by the time you get to the airport, you will need to board a keke from the airport to the badagry refugee centre, from where your ancestors had been shipped to America. Fuel don cost, transport don increase.
Do you eat moi moi? Learn it. In Nigeria you cannot sit down and order pizza anytime you want. The only order you can make is when you yell to the moi moi seller across the road to bring hot moi moi for you.
Learn proper home training.
In Nigeria the only time the police will arrest your parents for hitting you is after you are dead already. And they will later settle the case as “a family affair”. If you think you can come here to speak ‘innit’ for your parents, it’s the neighbours that will help them beat you.
Are you a graduate? It doesn’t matter. There is no job. Your American accent will not give you a job. Except your father knows someone who knows another person that knows a politician, you won’t have a job.
Dear American Lover Boy, Nnewi girls will not go dutch with you. As a matter of fact, no Naija girl will go dutch with you. You have to prove your masculinity by paying for the date. No one is splitting the bills with you when you take a girl on a date.
When you brush with a stranger in the market…. PLEASE CHECK IF YOUR PENIS IS STILL INTACT.
Learn the Nigerian names of common products. No one will sell “sausage rolls” to you. If you can’t call it the Nigerian name- “Gala”, no one would have time for you. Noodles is “Indomie.” Pasta is “Spaghetti.” All seasoning is “Maggi.”
Dear American girl, you cannot dress anyhow you like. Your neighbours will eye you. The random old woman in the market will hiss at you. The random lady in the bus will preach to you. The area boys will jeer at you. You might want to report “harassment” to the police, they will arrest you for indecent dressing.
Dear lovers, in Nigeria we don’t show public display of affection. You cannot be kissing your boyfriend under the rain. The old woman passing by will invoke thunder to strike the both of you.
These are some of the basic tips to help you adapt after you have been deported. More to come in the evening. Welcome home!!!!