The Dummies Guide to understanding the American Superbowl

It’s already happening and you are going to wake up to a trending#Superbowl tomorrow morning. There’ll be bants and if Lady Gaga is the child of her father, she start something like a protest against the orders of the organisers and there’ll be even more bants and so you’ll feel the need to comment.

Only problem is, you are a dummy and you know just about zero-nothing about the Superbowl. But you know we’ve got you. Here’s your guide to understanding the American Superbowl:

What is the Super bowl?

Contrary to what the internet memes and commentary may have you believe, the Super bowl is not all commerciala and half-time performances. It is actually the American National Football League. The same way you’d have the Premiership in England or the NFL here in Nigeria. As different and confusing it may be to the rest of the modern world, Americans love their football and so the Super bowl makes for the best 3 hours of television on the United States’ media calendar (which explains the commercials).

When you see everyone saying the Superbowl LI, they mean this year’s game. The 2015 game was the Superbowl 49. Yes, they number them annually. As if the game isn’t weird enough.

Seven of the eight most watched shows in US history are Super Bowl telecasts, with the last one (Super bowl 49) peaking at 120.8 million viewers by the fourth quarter. Katy Perry’s half time performance got 118 million.

But beyond the viewership and eyebal; statistics, there’s an actual game.

So who’s playing this year?

The New England Patriots, set to play in their seventh Super Bowl since 2002 and attempting to add a fifth championship. They’ll be in blue jerseys and they’ll be the white team. Their challengers are the Atlanta Falcons, who are looking to make a comeback since they were defeated during their only Super Bowl appearance in 1999. They’ll be wearing red and they’ll be the black team.

Quickly, who is Tom Brady?

Mr Supermodel, Gisele Bundchen that plays for the Patriots (quaterback). But his name is not being thrown around because of his supermodel wife. Firstly, he was suspended for the first four games of the season and then he was spotted with a bright red ‘Make America Great Again‘ cap at his locker.

Tom Brady chats with Donald Trump (Photo by Donna Connor/WireImage)

He’s been asked about his Trump support but Brady refuses to explain it away, even after he was taped saying it “would be great” if his golfing buddy won the election. Now, he’s choosing to stay silent when quizzed on some of President Trump policies. He says he hasn’t “paid much attention” to the chaos of Trump’s first 12 days in office.

So how does it work?

The teams are awarded points for scoring touchdowns (6 points) or kicking field goals (3 points). A touchdown happens when a player, while holding on to the (raather bizarre and badly stitched up) oval ball while crossing the opposition’s end zone. If you don’t still get it, just know that it’s a touchdown once it looks like a player has been pushed down to the ground by another after the former made a dash from one end of the field to another.

A  team in possession of the ball that makes a play does what is called a down and then they get to do four downs to move 1o yards down the field. The Play stops when someone is tackled with the ball, or if the ball is dropped (incomplete pass).

Don’t worry, there’ll be a yellow line on the field (on screen) to show how much further a team has to get to earn another four downs.

If the team does not earn the downs, the ball gets turned over to the opposition, and it all starts again.

Who invented this game?

We aren’t answering that. Just wondering why football as the rest of the world plays it was not enough for these people.

Who’s playing

If you don’t still understand the game…

It’s okay. There’s a possibility no one in the world really gets it and they know, so you’ll see things flashing across the screen from time to time telling you what’s just happened.


Just stick to the plan and wait for the ads and Lady Gaga who’se performing this year’s half time show. And watch out for the ads! They are always the best!

She’s no newcomer as she did the National Anthem at the beginning of last year’s game. Apart from Laddy Gaga, there’s bound to be one or two surprise performances that no one knows about ahead. In 2003, it was the epic Destiny’s Child reunion remember? Last year, it was Beyonce, Bruno Mars and Cold Play after Katy Perry’s billed performance.

We still cannot put it beyond the Mama Ibeji to show up at this year’s game.

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