For most people, the name Eva Alordiah now feels estranged from music. Once a vibrant, zany, quirky rapper with immense talent, Alordiah’s installation and reign as a female emcee was short-lived and quite frankly haphazard. On Tuesday, the erstwhile rapper surprised us with a short film which dragged her out from the abyss of oblivion. The film, titled Where’s the Condom?, is now available on YouTube for public consumption.
If you are giggling at the ridiculousness of the title, you know, like Dude, Where’s My Car? when the movie came out in 2000, that’s because it’s deliberate on Alordiah’s part. The allure of framing a movie’s title as a question, and not in the linear way we are used to, ostensibly screams genius. That said, Where’s the Condom is not a concept piece, nor does it supply anything extra to our understanding of safe/unsafe sex. It’s so brutally hollow. Whatever message it intends to convey is flattened by the blow up of naked limbs and simulation of sex, and Alordiah frantically attempting to take out the titular condom lost in her vagina. It’s so cringey I couldn’t believe what I was watching, her mammoth-size boyfriend uselessly filling up space, assuring her he never knew his penis had parted ways with the problematic condom mid-sex.
Alordiah’s character Eloha subjects them to HIV and STI tests. Catching none, the film ends with a rap song by Alordiah that echoes back the talent of a once-promising artiste. Starring Bobby Uranta, Stephanie Bassey, and Athena Prisca Shitta, Where’s the Condom? shouldn’t have seen the light of day. Maybe it should have just stayed with Alordiah as an imagination.