Femke becomes Funke: In mental overdrive

And then, I’ll pick up that guest bed I ordered in Mushin. They said they would deliver, but all of a sudden the guy asked for an extra thousand naira instead of 500. I told him to get lost. I’ll pick it up myself.

What time is it? Will I be going against traffic?

It stopped raining sometime ago, the worst traffic hold-up must be over.

Hopefully the courtyard is not flooded anymore. I just ruined my sandals wading through the ankle deep water when I got home. I wonder where I could get those shoes fixed.

I haven’t been able to call my friends who live in Victoria Island to tell them that I’ll be late. Bloody phone network! I already thought it strange I did not get any calls all day.

I have to ask my neighbour if his MTN line is as bad as mine when at home.

I hope my battery does not wear out. This stupid smart phone has a life span almost as hopeless as a Blackberry. And I don’t know where I put my phone charger. These things have a habit of disappearing in this country. They must be in the same place with all my single lost socks and misplaced sunglasses. I will find a hawker selling chargers on my way along Ikorodu Road. Just hope he has change.

If it weren’t for Jenny, I’d stay in. But I need my generator when I move into my new place and the friend who kept it for me on the Island is only available on weekends. Ah. Not looking forward to depending on Jenny anymore. If only she were more cooperative. That “gen” has given me wahala ever since I bought her in Agege. Never lets me start her up myself. Needs a men’s touch I guess. O well, I understand Jenny’s stand on this.

Fuel! Is there any fuel left? I hope my host thought of it. I wish I hadn’t been so exhausted last night and had gone to the filling station with a keg.

Am I imagining things or is light taken more now Nnaji is no longer minister of power? Bloody politicians.

The moi-moi in the fridge – I will surely throw out. Indomie for lunch again. No time for the market. If I die of an overdose of artificial nutrients, someone better sue PHCN.
Is there enough fuel in the car? I really should check Wilma’s oil level. I do not remember when I did that last. I cannot afford to break down on the expressway, especially, not this month. I cannot afford to have my car towed by LASTMA; not with my moving into a new place, as expensive as it is.

The carpenter overcharged me for fitting the mosquito nets to my windows because it is not on the ground floor. ‘Madam, this be too high now.’ I must go and check up on how he is doing. My new Yoruba landlady who looks 60 but must be over 80 years old, told me ‘Funke, you have to watch those workmen!’ She put her hands around her neck as if she was strangling someone. There’s no doubt that the carpenter fears my landlady.

I’ll pass by on my way back from Victoria Island. Then I can also see the painter to hand him the money for wall paint. He said he would do the job in 2 day before the furniture I ordered is ready, I hope. I should go and check on that as well… but, after the mosquito nets.

And then, I’ll pick up that guest bed I ordered in Mushin. They said they would deliver, but all of a sudden the guy asked for an extra thousand naira instead of 500. I told him to get lost. I’ll pick it up myself.

Shit, there’s a queue! Why is there a queue at the filling station? I’ll find another. Traffic is not too bad.

Water! Will there be running water at home, since there has been no light all day? And there’s no water in the container in the bath room, last time I checked. Hope I remember to do something about the water when I return.

Aaaaargh! That was close. Glad my breaks work well. Crazy truck driver! Steering his overloaded ruin of a vehicle to the right lane without any warning.

I am almost there, thank goodness. Let me stop for this traffic light. There’s a police car right next to mine. They love catching oyinbo drivers. Let me be a good girl and stop. Have a million things to do before I can move into my new place by the end of the week. No need for police wahala.


If only the driver behind me had also stopped for the red light.

P.S. Not to worry: no one got hurt in the accident. Wilma’s behind got severely bruised though; she is at the mechanic as I write this column. And I had to re-evaluate everything I thought I was planning for the week after. Just one of those Lagos things.

Talk to Femke on Twitter @femkevanzeijl

Previous entries of Femke Becomes Funke:

My Lagos house hunt – 11 Lessons I learnt

Unsuited for light conversation

An oyibo’s guide to mastering Lagos roads

The expat’s universe

Not Island material

Behind a desk catching up on your sleep?


Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.

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