Funke Egbemode: When politicians pray

by Funke Egbemode


They see nothing good in me. They say I have not performed. Yet I work endless hours to improve the lot of my people. God , you know that I love my country and my greatest desire is to leave it better than I met it. But this distraction is too much.

I have always wondered what politicians tell God when they kneel or bow to pray. Each time I attended church services with them and the pastors told the congregation to ask God for ‘something’ special, I opened one eye and sneaked a peek at the nearest politician and try to see if I could read his or her face.

When the clergy asked us to ask for forgiveness, I wished I could get in the mind of the politician sitting in front of me. Wouldn’t it just be great to know the sins these men commit in addition to the ones we already know? Yesterday morning, this topic occurred to me again as I finished my little talk with God. I ran the names of some of them on my mind’s digital platform and well, I found some interesting prayer points.

Oh, and before you go shaking your head for me, swear you don’t imagine what your governor does when he’s not commissioning a project. At least, I’m thinking a holy thought, right? Some of you are so terrible even God will be shocked at where your mind goes when you see a particular female minister and that governor, yes, that one whose picture just popped up in your mind. May the Lord forgive some of your sins.
Anyway, let’s go.

President Goodluck Ebele Jonathan:

Father Lord, have you noticed that Lucifer has relocated to Nigeria?

He has stopped roaming the world. He has set up a thriving business in my country. He’s here with all the troublers of Israel. He has taken over the hearts of the people who should appreciate and support me.

There is now an army or persecutors. They have no regard for the fact that it is God who enthrones kings.  That you are the one who made me President of this country. Now they want to pull me down. God, I must confess that I am increasingly finding it difficult to love these people and pray for them. They see nothing good in me. They say I have not performed. Yet I work endless hours to improve the lot of my people. God , you know that I love my country and my greatest desire is to leave it better than I met it. Buy this distraction is too much.

You said I should love these people buy you can see that not only are these people not lovable, they do not love me either. Am I supposed to just fold my arms, let them continue to run roughshod over me? They are convinced I am weak but you my creator know I am not. So, I am here to report them to you. God, take away sleep from the eyes of those who are giving me sleepless nights. Create confusion in their camp so they can leave me alone. Create their own distractions for them so they can let me rule my people in peace. I am your project, do not abandon me to the wiles of opposition. Do not allow enemies inside and outside PDP rejoice over me.

Senate President David Mark:
There are those who are stockpiling banana peels for me. They said you, my God, have been too kind to me and that my colleagues love me too much. Yes, I am an uncommon Senate President because you have been my uncommon God. You have given me wisdom to hold the Senate together and balance my act as a PDP leader. Now, they want to bring trouble to my peaceful domain. My prayer point is simple: Let all those who want to bring banana peels into the Green Chamber have a strong urge to go on holiday in Syria and Egypt today in Jesus name.

Speaker Aminu Waziri Tambuwal:
Unto thee oh Almighty Allah I lift up my eyes and my soul, let me not be ashamed, let not my enemies triumph over me. With your powerful hands you have guided me and prospered my career. Thus far, you have preserved me. You have glorified yourself in me. I got to be Speaker of this powerful House because you designed it so and it is those you choose that you honour. You have honoured me beyond my wildest imagination and for this I thank you. But now, some people are working round the clock to unseat me. They call it impeachment. I call it standing up to God. So here I am Lord to report those who are plotting against me. I heard that they have vowed not to eat or sleep until they impeach me. Take away their appetite and afflict them with insomnia. Wherever and whenever they meet to plot my downfall, send lying spirits among them and turn their wisdom to foolishness.

Senator Ganiyu Olanrewaju Solomon:
My Father,  my help in ages past, my hope for years to come, I have been in this waiting room for years, it is time for you to grant me divine transportation to my desired destination. As you made Joseph a Prime Minister after years of waiting, and promoted David to the throne in 24 hours, do what only you can do and make my dreams come true in 2015. Make me the next  Lagos state governor and I promise not to let you and the voters down. But if there are enemies of progress anywhere, Lord of Host, please relocate them to Iraq for 15 years.

Governor Kayode Fayemi:
When opposition is coming from outside your compound, it is easier to tackle than this one right inside my house. Yes Lord, this is about Opeyemi Bamidele. The young brilliant man is becoming a thorn in my flesh. He wants to be governor but I’m not done here. I need you Lord to touch his heart so he can wait for his turn which is after I’ve done my eight years. In the alternative, you can also find something to attract him back to Lagos. These Lagos dudes are usually difficult.
Must be all that salt water and gasoline fumes they inhale in traffic jam every day. God, just convince him to do four more years in Abuja.

Governor Danbaba Suntai:
I need to join either the G-7 or the other G. Sitting on my butt all day and playing draft won’t do at all. God, you need to perfect my healing. I need to get on my feet. How can I lose relevance at home and then at the federal level? God help me. I’m desperate to start attending Governors Forum meetings. God, I promise with all my heart that if you heal me totally I will never fly another plane myself.
Scout’s honour.

Governor Rotimi Amaechi:
My most high God, like Korah, Dothan and Abiram in the Bible, some people have for months been doing everything to remove me from Rivers Government House. They have tried everything and failed but they are not relenting. They said I’m a rebel and that I am working against the President. They told Mr President so many lies against me, it is beginning to sound like the truth in the man’s ears. They are determined to unravel the miracle you gave me in spite of my K-legged governorship ticket. They are issuing you a query. They said you cannot deliver me from them. Lord return to me with your mercy and favour. Turn the heart of the President against those who are instigating him against me. Like Haman, let them be hung on the gallows they have made for me. To the shame of the enemies, reconcile the President and I. Let all those working against me end up in Afghanistan. Amen

Bamanga Tukur:
These boys running from one side of town to the other are making me dizzy. They are giving me migraine and sleepless night, all at the same time. They have no respect for old age. They want to remove me from the seat of PDP Chairman at all cost. God Almighty, thwart their efforts, frustrate their plans. Keep the heart of the President on my side. If these stubborn governors refuse to lay off my back, relocate them, all of them, to the middle of the desert.


Read this article in the Sun Newspapers


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