by Stanley Azuakola
$620,000 Enters Most Wanted List
THE State Security Service (SSS) has placed the $620,000 bribe money taken by Farouk Lawan on the most wanted list. This is the first time that money instead of a criminal is placed on the list. Anyone who gives useful information on its whereabouts would be entitled to one-week special SSS protection by Miss SSS herself, Marilyn Ogar.
Meanwhile, a trends analyst has suggested three paths Farouk can take to freedom and one path the police can take.
•Don’t release the money. When they charge you to court, use $50,000 from it and bribe the judge. Then live happily ever after in Nigeria. I repeat: In Nigeria. If you go to Dubai or London, you’re on your own.
•Have faith that the case will die, and then use the money afterwards to pursue your 2015 Kano governorship campaign. After all, a governor from the South East won his election even though he was in police custody on Election Day.
•Nigerians love entertainment. Win back their heart by doing another reality show just like the subsidy probe you conducted. Liaise with DSTV and do a show titled: Who’s gat da dollars?
For the police, just one advice: Partner with the National Drug Law Enforcement Agency (NDLEA) to detain Farouk Lawan and give him the Baba Suwe treatment. Inspect his faeces because it is only logical that eating the money raw is the next step to placing it on his head as he’s alleged to have done.
GEJ To Set New Record
Reports have emerged about the main reason President Jonathan travelled to Brazil with over a 100-man delegation. The official line was that he had to attend a UN environment summit. However, people began to ask questions when Jonathan timed his visit to coincide with the week when an aerospace company, Excalibur Almanaz, said it would soon start selling tickets to shuttle people to the moon.
A source told A Pinch… that the president, who is obviously worried by the continuous threat posed on his life by Boko Haram, and their increased boldness, has decided to escape to the moon with those closest to him. In Brazil, he held a meeting with officials of the moon shuttle company and the weights of members of his entourage were taken. To prepare the heart of Nigerians for the big decision, he asked Information Minister to announce that he can rule from anywhere in the world because he wouldn’t want anyone, especially the ACN to start complaining when he sets up shop in the moon. The president is expecting that just as he made a new record by being the first president to declare his presidential ambition on facebook, he’ll make a new record by being the first to declare his re-election bid and indeed be re-elected from the moon.
A Pinch… Is One
A Pinch… is exactly one year in print this week. Thanks to everyone who’s ever read and laughed in support of the effort. Here’s hoping there’ll be more exciting years of A Pinch. To mark the occasion, here is a story from the first ever A Pinch… published on June 26, 2011.
Nigerian websites have been adjudged worldwide to be the most freethinking and independent-minded in terms of browsing outcomes. A Pinch… decided to investigate for itself, and the results were remarkable. When A Pinch… visited the ASUU website, it was greeted with “This site is permanently on strike.” Boldly written on the website of the Federal Government of Nigeria was “President Yar’Adua is not around now, please try again later,” while that of the House of Reps said “Site on recess.” The Nigeria Police Force website carried, “Boko Haram is not our friend,” The last stop was the EFCC website where the EFCC eagle logo appeared, carrying these words on its beak, “Muahahahaha, you have been scammed.”
CROWNED CLOWN (CeeCee) OF THE WEEK
Still in anniversary mode, today’s CeeCee is the CeeCee of the year, to be given to the worst of all clowns in the one year A Pinch… has existed. We’ve had really terrible clowns in the last one year like Gov. Theodore Orji (who got the CeeCee twice.) And who can forget when A Pinch… awarded a Grand Clown of the Federal Republic (GCFR) to you-know-who at the villa. However, if truth be told, there’s only only candidate worthy of the CeeCee of the year. It’s a gang of bloodthirsty maniacs who have no value for human life. An evil assembly that is hell-bent on frustrating Nigeria’s progress and setting Nigerians against themselves. They have been winning some battles here and there, but ultimately they’ll lose the war. The undisputed winners of the CeeCee of the year is the Islamic sect, Boko Haram. Surely there is an end.
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Editor’s note: Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.