If you get bent out of shape every time she talks to another dude, or are following up with her too much because she’s spending time with other people, you might be TOO jealous for her.
Ever been on the bad side of getting dumped? Whether you were surprised or saw it coming, getting dumped can hurt like hell. Rest assured, it happens to all of us.
What’s most important is picking yourself up and not wallowing in your sorrow. That doesn’t mean using bitterness to get over someone, but you must choose to move on. The next most important thing? You learn. If you keep getting dumped, sorry buddy, but it’s time for some tough love. If you keep getting dropped like a bad habit, it’s time to take stock because it’s probably you.
Dudes with hurt egos like to blame their trials on “crazy” chicks. I’m not saying that hasn’t happened, but if it keeps happening, you’re the crazy one. Either you’re blind to who you’re picking, or you’ve got some blind spots.
Here’s the problem: these cycles are self-reinforcing. Were you too distant/guarded in your last relationship? Well, if you got hurt this time you’re probably going to be even more guarded next time.
I don’t think you’re a bad guy-come ‘on, why would you be reading Fearless Men? It’s probably that you’re trapped in a cycle of bad decisions.
If you’re trying to figure out what got you dumped, see if the gents described below might be you.
The doldrums of relationships are real. And if a girl is on an endless hunt for something new and exciting, you’re probably not “dangerous” enough to keep it rollin. But don’t feel bad, no one is. Except the guys that do have real, deep, jerk problems. Some women for, well, many reasons, want that. But you don’t want to be that guy anyways.
Where the real self-examination is needed is here: are you at least trying to breathe some new life and energy into the relationship? If you’re not making a decided effort, then I don’t blame her for being bored.
You’re role as a man isn’t to be an entertainer. But if you just stay in at night or only take her on movie dates or things you like to do, she’s gonna be bored with you my man.
Too Needy/Too Clingy
If she’s not needy and possessive (and I hope she’s not), it’s a lot easier to run the risk of you seeming needy and possessive. If she is needy and possessive, it’s easier to be viewed as disconnected.
Read the signs of reciprocation. If she isn’t texting you back, initiating texts or affection, you might be coming on too strong.
If you get bent out of shape every time she talks to another dude, or are following up with her too much because she’s spending time with other people, you might be TOO jealous for her. If you’ve only been dating weeks or months, cut back on the jealousy man.
Trying too hard too soon OR Not trying hard enough
I sure do wish there was an algorithm to know when to make the extra effort or lay off the gas. The thin line between trying too hard and not trying hard enough. It seems to be the same distance between hopeless romantic and stalker level pursuit. Ultimately, it’s really based on where the woman’s feelings are currently for you. If she’s not that hot for you, trying to win her can work or backfire.
In some situations this might be a little overboard.
One female reader told me after a first date the nice guy sent her a dozen roses. It was a nice gesture, but freaked her out. If you’ve got something real big and special cooked up, maybe run it by another lady and see if it’s the right timing.
If you’re going all out and she’s not returning the effort, then maybe lay off the gas. She’ll either want you more or getting dumped will come sooner rather than later (which is a good thing).
If you find yourself avoiding her calls or rarely texting her back, don’t be surprised if you get dumped for not trying hard enough.
“I’ve broken it off with guys wanting to be too serious too soon,” (after a handful of dates). “I probably would have gone out on more dates with them had they been more casual with it.” -Ashley
You’re too nice
Does this sound familiar? You want to impress your girlfriend by being the nicest guy on the planet. You never complain, don’t argue, don’t share thoughts that are different from hers, you run from conflict and, god forbid, you ever say “No.”
Then, after she leaves your smiley, spineless, whimpering ass behind for another guy, you respond by going way overboard for the next girl you date. Consistently sending her flowers for no reason and giving her nightly backrubs. And that’s why you keep getting dumped.
I’m not suggesting you be a rude, cocky guido. Carry yourself with class, manners, and consideration. But don’t be a pushover. “Nice guys finish last” is a ludicrous proverb to me, but it didn’t come from nowhere. Grow a spine, respect yourself, don’t grovel, and you’ll be a little more likely to end up with a girl that works at it too – and a little less likely you’ll be getting dumped – again.
Lost Interest/Ran out of infatuation/Honeymoon is over
“Sometimes if she’s discovered she doesn’t believe it’s going to be there, she’s going to shut it down.” –Lesley
Sometimes your presence in a girl’s life as the new, exciting, attention-giver may make them feel valued and validated. Girls may lead guys on because they feel desired. They could feel obligated to go on with you simply because you gave them feelings of validation, so they drag it out even after they’ve lost interest and you no longer bring exciting feelings to them.
That’s a sad ending. And although relationships aren’t built on euphoria, if you’re not excited to be with someone or they’re not excited to be with you, you shouldn’t be together.
Chemistry – It isn’t what you, or she, thought it was
“All the things line up, attraction, chemistry, age, beliefs. But then the feelings aren’t where you want them to go. After you get to know them more, even though you thought the chemistry was there, but the personalities aren’t meshed as you thought.” -Michelle
You may have started dating young, in college, or even later. But sometimes couples discover they are going in such different directions they don’t want to be around for the ride.
If someone you’ve been dating a while suddenly realizes you’ve got different goals in life, that ship is probably gonna sail.
Getting Dumped Honorable Mention
Unrealistic expectations…one of you was looking for perfection.
It’s not you, it’s her. Sometimes man, the luck of the draw doesn’t work in your favor. Don’t kick yourself too hard if you picked one that wasn’t what you thought she was. Unless that keeps happening to you… Well, then you need to start picking differently. Maybe it’s not even you who should be getting dumped.
Constant criticism. Bad, unhealthy, disparaging, cutting communication will certainly murder a relationship ASAP.
Too physical too fast. If you ignite the passion button too fast, you’re going to get burned.
You don’t take responsibility. Women usually don’t want to date someone who’s a bump on the log. If you don’t challenge your lady to grow and become more of a person, and do that yourself, she’ll lose interest if she’s a woman of substance.
Feedback from Women
While getting feedback on why guys keep getting dumped, I asked about 12 different ladies their opinions (as well as several men). Rarely was one of the single reasons above a primary relationship killer. It typically was a combination of reasons. And ultimately, that led to lack of chemistry and the dying of feelings. Interest just puttered out.
Here’s one woman’s perspective:
“You probably got broken up with because she realized that her interests are different and chemistry just didn’t fit. If a relationship is a good fit it happens and the fire keeps burning. The passion grows because each individual is mutually committed to serving, loving and learning more about the other. As in they just can’t get enough. If they’ve had enough…. Well…You get dumped.” -Jenna
So if you’re into a girl, and you’re confident that you want it to move forward, be aware of the points above. Do your best to communicate, not make her feel forced, and enjoy the ride with no pressure on both of you. That’ll help you create a healthy environment for a relationship to grow, and hopefully, you’ll continue to have a rewarding relationship moving forward and not have to experience getting dumped again!
Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.