by Stanley Azuakola

 

Nigeria Is Growing

THE Nigerian government would be very pleased to hear this piece of news. Attempts by various international agencies to convince Nigerians that contrary to their experience, the Nigerian economy is actually growing, has finally worked. After the latest report by Ernst & Young claimed that Nigeria was among three fastest growing markets, Nigerians finally began to believe it. When asked to describe Nigeria’s growth in relation to everyday occurrences, stunning examples emerged. One respondent said:  “Oh yes, our economy is growing indeed, like MTN, Glo, Airtel and Etisalat internet modems.” A lady told A Pinch that “you see the way EFCC cases against corrupt people are decided in court fast-fast, that’s how our economy is growing fast-fast.” A Lagos couple used two different similes to describe Nigeria’s growth. The husband said “the economy of Nigeria is increasing as fast as our gold medals at the London Olympics,” while his wife said “the growth bears close resemblance to traffic around Third Mainland bridge these days.”

 

Nigerians Protest Against Olympics

THE Olympics isn’t even over and already Nigerians are crying foul. Following the unimpressive performances so far, a coalition of Nigerians is calling for an overhaul of the games. They feel that the sports contested for are presently too lopsided against Nigerians, hence our poor performances. They’ve called for certain “Nigerian sports” to be included for the sake of fairness and balance. The sports Nigerians want include:

Washing: This is not clothes-washing, but washing of fellow humans. It involves high praise, over-hype and half-truths.

Cleanest mouth: This involves doing something in private, then “cleaning the mouth” and coming out in public to say something else.

Tweeting about the Olympics: Since we can’t run, jump, swim, fight or throw well enough, we might as well tweet about those doing it.

Rat race(ing): Definitely not a uniquely Nigerian sport, but can anyone really beat us when it comes to struggling or hustling in this rat race?

Canter ball: Since Coke and Pepsi are sold everywhere in this world, getting standard teams of crown corks of soft drinks shouldn’t be an issue.

 

Revealed: Why Oyo Governor Sent Legislators’ Wives To London

TRUE to our reputation, A Pinch has an exclusive on why the Oyo State government really sent the wives of legislators to London on a supposed “how-to-cook-workshop.” The truth is that the choice of London was strategic, but not for culinary reasons as London isn’t known for its cuisines. According to an insider familiar with the process, “the reasoning of the state governor, Ajimobi, was that these legislators’ wives are future first ladies of states and even the Federal Government, so he sent them to London so that when the time comes, English language would not be a problem for the first ladies. He also reasoned that the ladies are future permanent secretaries and needed to go to a place like London noted for professionalism so that they are well groomed. Finally, he understood that they are future land-ladies with power to revoke lands given to others, so they needed to see how land matters are being handled elsewhere.”

 

CROWNED CLOWN (CeeCee) OF THE WEEK

LAST week, Dangote Industries announced plans to recruit people into what it called its “Drivers Academy.” After recruitment, the drivers would be trained by professionals in the academy on driving heavy-duty vehicles and subsequently employed by the group. You don’t even need to know how to drive to apply. However, there was a condition – applicants must be graduates. That condition drew the ire of some social media and online ‘activist-wannabes,’ who berated Dangote for his “effrontery” and “disrespect of graduates.”  Excuse me? Is there no longer dignity in labour? A Pinch can reveal authoritatively that drivers in the employ of Dangote Industries earn more than management staff in many companies in this country. And an unemployed graduate (possibly for years) is scoffing at that opportunity for what? A Pinch can understand if one’s opposition to the policy is a result of the fact that it might take some away from what they take pleasure in doing. But to sit in your dingy, cramped room soaking cassava flakes because of joblessness and then typing on social media how you feel insulted, not by your condition, but by Dangote, who isn’t forcing you to apply by the way, is the height of pitiable clownishness. So, step forward quickly all you worthy clowns, you’ve really earned your CeeCee award this week.

 

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