Opinion: Dancing to Jonathan’s tunes

I have been waiting for the national conference forever.  I didn’t even know that was what I was waiting for when I was waiting for it. I always thought the national conference is like one of those conferences in Las Vegas where you go get wasted and belch your way through some talking points and come home with a hangover.

I may be wrong but President Goodluck Jonathan’s gotta be one of the most underappreciated leaders of our time, maybe in history. If these were the Biblical times, the odds are high that some angel in flowing white agbada would have rowed down the river on a raining day, stop at the doorsteps of Jonathan’s home and doorstep proclaim his birth and future greatness.

Wanna know who’s jealous of Jonathan right now? Barrack Obama. Yup, the same one. President of the United States, the most powerful man on God’s earth. How powerful does he feel right now that he can’t order his frat Congress around?

Obama is not even the most powerful man in Washington these days. The most powerful man has got to be a cab driver because they keep shuttling people back and forth. Obama can’t get his own government to run because some upstarts down the street who lost an election that was basically a referendum on Obama’s revolutionary health care policy are trying to outmuscle him like pimpled schoolyard bullies trying to steal your cookie.

Now, Jonathan does not have that problem. Nigeria’s account is like Daddy’s trust fund. Once you live to a certain age you can binge. But, Jonathan doesn’t even do that. The man from Bayelsa is so disciplined he still walks around with the caution of a man who didn’t wear shoes on the way to school when he was a kid. David Mark must be wishing he’s Republican and in American Congress right now.

But, here is Jonathan, surprising folks who have long given up on surprises. His latest masterpiece is something that he didn’t even have to reach into his sleeves for. It was right on his palm all along. Hello, National conference.

Wanna know who damn right can’t stand the president’s gut right now? The opposition lords. These men have spent years bemoaning the inequalities in Nigeria’s house of cards. They wanted the country looked at again with clean glasses not ordered from Whitehall.

But, they didn’t quite expect Jonathan to open the doors to such gabfest. Now that he has, it is like Armageddon in a political minefield.

They can’t be seen to be praising Jonathan. That would be worse than Judas betraying Jesus. But then they can’t pretend to stay on the sidelines for too long or some smart bloke would start another Association for Better Nigeria, make a few cool millions and watch his campaign of deceit roll Nigeria into a constitutional one party state.

I have been waiting for the national conference forever.  I didn’t even know that was what I was waiting for when I was waiting for it. I always thought the national conference is like one of those conferences in Las Vegas where you go get wasted and belch your way through some talking points and come home with a hangover.

Who knew it’s something so serious political and tribal leaders would do the unthinkable – turn against their masters and dance to the tune of the enemy presidente. Now all Jonathan has to do is get his party’s rebellious governors to buy some dancing shoes. But, they better watch out – folks may just go to Abuja and push for a law that effectively makes these governors Jamaicans. That would teach them a lesson on getting high on themselves.

I’m ready to go to the national conference and I have some great points I’m going to raise. First, how much are we getting paid to talk about reshaping Nigeria again? Is it gonna be enough to buy me a mansion in Abuja and a small, ten bedroom house in the village? Where will we have sub-committee meetings? On a beach in Miami or in the casinos of Monaco? Can the distinguished members organize themselves into one super party?

I know what our first order of business would be. We’ll push for the restoration of the old national anthem. We like it because it’s nostalgic. We like it because it gives us an opportunity to piss off President Olusegun Obasanjo and we all know the General is at his best when he’s pissed off at something.

Secondly, we will push for the reduction of states to twelve at the most. That way the numbers of big men and their cell phone waving assistants will reduce drastically. Who knows some men would go to bed comfortable that the girl next to them would still be their girlfriend tomorrow night. Today, they don’t even know if their relationship is past or present tense because of all these pot bellied big men who spend security votes at Harrods.

I have not thought this through but I’m thinking of a finders’ keeper’s rule. Confused? Well, you know how a white man “discovered Nigeria”? Or how our leaders sometimes go into the treasury with Ghana must go bags and emerge smiling like they’ve just had a dance with Father Christmas? Well, it’s the same principle. We may make a law that Nigerians have to acquire a government property in distaste as long as we see the list first and help ourselves.

I can’t wait for the confab. It would be Nigerians trying to get Nigerians right for the umpteenth time. We will blow through the money we don’t have. We will build a housing estate we can own for a pittance in a few months. Then we will wait a few years for another confab again. Nigeria, we hail thee!

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