by Stanley Azuakola
Labaran Maku, the achiever
Last week, President Jonathan launched a new book, Slow and Steamy Transformation: A Progress Report. It detailed the stellar achievements of his ministers. Whereas all the ministers had amazing achievements, the Most Outstanding Minister award went to Information Minister, Labaran Maku, who keeps proving that he was born to do this job. Maku’s great national achievements include:
- The design and distribution of federal government diary and calendar, a remarkable feat which none of his predecessors ever achieved.
- Under Maku’s watch, President Jonathan has transformed from the most liked president on facebook to the most abused president, showing that he is doing well, because in the words of motivational speakers, “if you don’t have vocal enemies, then you are not doing something right.”
- Maku has also personally transformed from one of the staunchest critics against the removal of fuel subsidy to one of its champions and still manages to live in the same body with his conscience. Great accomplishment.
It’s the tour season
From the stables of the organisers of First Lady Patience Jonathan’s Thank You Tour, comes another eagerly anticipated tour, The Labaran Maku Good Governance Tour. Following her husband’s victory at the 2011 polls, Dame Patience embarked on a Thank You Tour of states. The highlight of her tour was the massive traffic jams it unleashed in the states she visited as entire roads were blocked to welcome her. Now, Information Minister Labaran Maku, in conjunction with the Governors’ Forum, is scheduled to embark on a National Good Governance Tour of states from this Thursday. The highlight of Maku’s tour would be the opening of people’s eyes to see the transformations going on all around them that the gods of this world have blinded their eyes from seeing. After Maku’s tour, the next scheduled tour would be the Knowing Joe Tour, to be headlined by Reuben Abati, who knows the President Jonathan that the rest of us don’t know. The last tour before 2015, would be undertaken by the president himself, and is titled the Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn Tour.
President Jonathan seeks divorce from abusive relationship
The Attorney General of the Federation, Mohammed Adoke has given reasons why he has lately been scarce. He said he needed time off to prepare for a major court case involving the president. Adoke would lead a government legal team that would argue before the Supreme Court for an end to the abusive relationship between President Jonathan and the 47 percent of Nigerians who keep abusing him no matter what he does. The argument of the Attorney-General is that if we do not expect a woman to remain in an abusive home, we shouldn’t expect the president to remain in an abusive national relationship. It is unclear however what the nature of the divorce would be. Would the president leave if his request is granted? Would he get a restraining order on the 47 percent? No one knows.
CROWNED CLOWN (CeeCee) OF THE WEEK
About a year ago, A Pinch… did the unthinkable. President Jonathan had just given National Honours to individuals like the former Police IG Ringim, SSS DG Ekpenyong etc, at a time when under their watch, the menace of Boko Haram was at a frightening peak. So upset was A Pinch…at the charade that it gave President Jonathan a Grand Clown of the Federal Republic (GCFR) award. That award caused quite a stir, as a few believed that it was done in bad taste. A Pinch…did not think so then, and doesn’t think so now. But to prevent a rehash of that argument, A Pinch has decided to soft-pedal.
So even though the president promised last year that he would reform the process for the award of national honours and failed to do so, but instead promised us the same thing again this year, we would still not give him the Grand Clown award. And although it was shocking to hear the president say last week that he believed the January subsidy protest was fake and stage-managed, A Pinch… would still not give him the clown award because they say it will be in bad taste. Ordinarily, some might say that President Jonathan deserves the award for choosing to wrap himself up in a pretentious, defensive cocoon on that issue which saw Nigerians come out in their numbers to express anger at a woeful government policy, but so be it—A Pinch refuses to give him the GCFR, no matter how deserving anyone thinks he is. So there you have it, President Jonathan does not take the award of Grand Clown of the Federal Republic (GCFR) this week. Hope everyone is satisfied now?
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Editor’s note: A Pinch… is sattire