President Jonathan to grant amnesty to ex-EU leaders… in last week’s news with a pinch of salt

by Stanley Azuakola

 

…some friends of his, who spoke with A Pinch… said that if given a choice between his life and his mouth, Fani-Kayode would prefer to be bombed than to shut up.

Your life or your mouth

These are tough times for Femi Fani-Kayode, the talkative and sensation-loving ex-minister under President Olusegun Obasanjo. An Abuja court has fixed February 11, 2013 for commencement of his trial over a 47-count charge of money laundering. Sources familiar with the case say that if Fani-Kayode is found guilty, the trial judge is expected to either place him under mouth arrest, in which case he would be banned from both speaking in public and writing any of his infamous brainless articles or his former boss, ex-President Obasanjo would be ordered to bomb him just like he bombed Odi in a move which Fani-Kayode publicly endorsed and still supports till date. Fani-Kayode has pleaded not guilty to the charges, but some friends of his, who spoke with A Pinch… said that if given a choice between his life and his mouth, Fani-Kayode would prefer to be bombed than to shut up.

Ex-European leaders to get amnesty in Nigeria

Two former European heads-of-state facing hard times in their countries have been given a lifeline by Nigeria’s president, Goodluck Jonathan. They are: Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi who was recently convicted of financial crimes in Italy and President Nicholas Sarkozy who is currently facing charges over his use of campaign funds in France. Their day of good luck came when President Jonathan sent them separate letters promising to protect them and grant them amnesty if they escaped to Nigeria and naturalised. President Jonathan assured them that in Nigeria “we seriously fight corruption but we always maintain some sacred cows. Both of you qualify as not just sacred cows, but holy cows. If you need any verification, please endeavour to google Halliburton scandal, Siemens scam, Farouk Lawan-Femi Otedola subsidy gate, pension fraud, and many more.” Already, President Jonathan has set up an amnesty committee headed by ex-convict Diepreye Alamieyeseigha, the former Bayelsa governor. Alamieyeseigha has reportedly travelled to Italy to give Berlusconi tips on how to escape the police by dressing like a fine girl, a move which he perfected in London and has since copyrighted.

White paper scarcity grips Abuja

Professor Rufai Alkali, Nigeria’s minister of education, has revealed why the federal government has been unable to act on any committee report submitted to it since the inception of this administration. She blamed it on the absence of white paper. According to her, “It is not the president’s fault. Even after committees finish sitting and submit their recommendations, government still has to wait for a white paper report by another committee. Unfortunately, because Nigerians complain too much about the size of the recurrent expenditure in our budgets, no money was budgeted to buy white paper in the past two years. As you know we budgeted billions for computers and laptops but we need a white paper report not the white screens of computers. Just look at the white paper scarcity as fuel scarcity for people in government.” The education minister’s bizarre explanation which is at odds with the dictionary definition of white paper report came on the day she set up a 37-man committee to investigate the crisis which has engulfed the University of Abuja.

CROWNED CLOWN (CeeCee) OF THE WEEK

It is frequently argued that one of the reasons crimes continue unabated in Nigeria is because those who commit grave offenses are hardly ever brought to book. A Pinch… recalls a wikileaks cable which revealed that so many terrorism suspects in the North were released or handed over to religious figures for a sort of moral guidance instead of prosecuting them. So it was befuddling to hear the inspector general of police, Mohammed Abubakar, claim last week that the police was not prosecuting terrorism suspects because there was no terrorism law in place to do so. That is not true. There is a strong antiterrorism law in Nigeria, which was passed by the national assembly and assented to by President Jonathan in June 2011 – fifteen months ago. It is unbelievable that a supposedly bright officer like Abubakar would be ignorant of such an important development for this long. Although Ignorantia juris non excusat, we are ready to excuse Abubakar this once and charge him to please get a copy of that law (the national assembly has offered to send him one), read it thoroughly, and then start doing the needful. Terrorists are running amok, Abubakar needs to get to work. A Pinch… likes Mohammed Abubakar, so while he receives the Crowned Clown (CeeCee) award this week (just as his junior colleague Umar Manko did last week), he should understand that it is with love and best wishes.

 

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