by Stanley Azuakola
PDP-FLU Stops The Dame From Returning
Officially, the administration is still insisting that first lady, Patience Jonathan, is resting after the stress of hosting other first ladies for a few days during the Africa First Ladies Summit in Abuja. Most Nigerians believe this story because everyone knows how hard it is to host one lady, how much more hosting that many ladies, and not just ordinary ladies but first ladies.
However some liars have been claiming that Dame Jonathan is sick and they’ve named all sorts of diseases. Now, those same people say that she has recuperated, and was supposed to have come back last week. However Patience said she wasn’t going to return because the PDP First Ladies Union (PDP-FLU) was planning to come receive her at the airport. She insisted that she did not want to see them, saying “how can I be coming back from hospital and FLU comes to welcome me again? I don’t want FLU or any other kind of disease. I like our party, the umbrella, but if it will send FLU to welcome me, I will not come again.”
THE chief attack dog to the president, Doyin Okupe, has been absent for some time. But as with all Nigerian controversies, his case of malpractice in Benue is gradually dying down, so he has found his voice again. Okupe, in a post-independence press briefing promised Nigerians that despite the fact that this year Nigeria has had major controversies with two of its main allies, South Africa (yellow fever vaccine) and Saudi Arabia (escorts for female pilgrims), there would be no other in this dispensation. Asked why he was so sure, Okupe said that South Africa and Saudi Arabia share similarities, which no other nation shares with them; hence no other can behave like them. He said: “Check it, the names of the two countries are divided into two parts, right? The first part starts with ‘S’ while the second starts with ‘A’, right? The first part contains five letters while the second has six letters. Is there any other country like that?” No journalist had a follow-up question to Okupe’s brilliant explanation.
Nigeria joins 20 best economies, nine years ahead of schedule
The story below was actually written in June 2011. It’s being reproduced today because of what happened with President Jonathan’s Independence speech and his rush to claim credit for what even he must know cannot be true. A Pinch believes that even if Transparency International had said that Nigeria was the second most improved country on corruption, President Jonathan should have written them a courteous letter saying that it couldn’t be because he has done very little in that regard.
Celebrations erupted in Aso Rock following the announcement that Nigeria had achieved its goal of joining the league of top 20 nations, nine years ahead of schedule. This followed Nigeria’s placement as number 14 in the 2011 World Failed States Index. Reacting, President Jonathan said, “Trance-formation is in the air from Gboko to Potiskum. Today, Nigerians have failed every agent of failure.” After being informed that the ranking actually meant that the government had failed to protect its citizens, the president responded soberly: “Let me assure all Nigerians that all over the world, no country is safe or free. Anything can happen.”
CROWNED CLOWN (CeeCee) OF THE WEEK
Considering the stunt Gov. Seriake Dickson of Bayelsa pulled last week, the only word A Pinch can use in describing him is “obnoxious.” As you know, Bayelsa was created on Independence Day 16 years ago by the late despot, Sani Abacha. For that reason, Abacha was honoured in Bayelsa by Dickson, who named a housing complex, a road and an auditorium after the man. He also honoured the ex-convict Diepriye Alamieyeseigha as well. Those were the only two people Dickson chose to honour, showering them with superlatives.
If one of the purposes of publicly honouring a person is to show the younger generations a model to aspire to, what should young people aspire to in Sani Abacha and Diepreye Alamieyeseigha, men who sinfully looted the purses they were supposed to protect? They aren’t the only ones, but they are two of a few convicted by the courts. How can Gov. Dickson be this irresponsible? In saner climes, there would be a loud outcry against this insulting gesture by a callous elected official. But in Nigeria, where forgetting is our national hobby, life goes on. By the way, President Jonathan was ably represented at the event honouring Abacha, by the man in charge of research for the presidency, Oronto Douglas. It was the ‘research’ by Douglas’s office, which produced the fake Transparency International report.
Back to Governor Seriake Dickson: Hello Governor, please step forward and take the Crowned Clown award; unlike you, A Pinch only gives this award to deserving clowns like you.
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