by Ore Fakorede

Sex & The Big City: The Predator’s Concise Guide (Part 1)

Using a sniper rifle is an art. Unlike the prosaic ‘point and shoot’ business of other less dignified guns, taking down a prey with this elite weapon requires painstaking skill, unwavering concentration and an astute eye that pays attention to fine details. The business of sex is pretty much the same. Getting laid in a demographic behemoth like Lagos might seem easy. But after contacting a few STDs or waking up to find your wallet, heck, your car keys, missing along with Miss. Anonymous from Allen Avenue a few times, you’ll find that you need to get professional advice on the matter. Attracting and bedding bombshells isn’t child’s play, and that’s why I’m your best friend in the whole world right now.  You’ll only get the best tips here, so open your eyes wide and download the whole page if you have to.

NEVER:

1. Judge a woman strictly by her appearance.

Why? Even drag queens look good from afar. Get to know a girl as much as you can before you ask her to come over for a visit. You just might be saving a life, yours.

2. Act desperate.

Why? Desperation is the second most potent turn-off (after fear). It makes you look needy, waters down your ‘cool factor’ and messes up your swag. Even if you haven’t gotten laid in months, pretend like you get the good stuff on the regular.

3. Be too eager or nice.

Why? Sexual lionesses prefer bad boys. Be the perfect gentleman, but mix that up with some aloofness, mystery and a dark side. There’s nothing more uninteresting than an over-enthusiastic adult male.

4. Talk about your whole life at once.

Why? It makes you look plain and ordinary. You could as well be handing out an audio version of your autobiography (translation: boring!). Don’t snuff out the sparks of attraction that might grow into roaring flames of passion by telling her about your family tree, all your ex-girlfriends and your line of work in one sitting! Remember the goal: great sex. Not marriage.

5. Stick to a routine.

Why? You’ll become a droid in no time. Get the most out of life! Stop doing the same things everyday: wake-up, eat breakfast, work till lunch-break, work till you go home. Spice up your weekly schedule by eating out sometimes, creating time to hangout with your friends and learning something new every month. Live a little!

6. Wear your heart on your sleeve.

Why? It’ll be stolen in the human traffic. Don’t be a pushover! This isn’t about falling in love or finding your soulmate, it’s about getting the perfect one-nighter. The more committed you appear to be, the more likely it is for your intentions to be misunderstood. Better still, trade your heart for a suave icebox.

7. Make long-term plans.

Why? The ‘M’ word will inevitably come up. Don’t give the impression that you want to settle down. Be a jetsetter, so slick that you can’t be tied down. Soon, you’ll be the one being chased.

8. Be drawn into giving a repeat performance.

Why? You’ll soon be shopping for an engagement ring. So you got the badass chick from work to jump into bed with you. Great. An encore? Not so great. Move on to the next target, fast! Invent viable excuses to escape, get evidently busy. Doing the do with the same person over and over again will only make you emotionally attached. and you don’t want that…. ever! Hit fast and hard once, and you’ll have her begging for more (which she’ll never get).

9. Get too comfortable.

Why? Moving on will be difficult. There’s nothing worse than a comfort zone. It makes you laid-back, kills your drive to conquer virgin territory and breeds a protuberant belly. Don’t allow her bring home-cooked meals to your apartment, don’t go to church with her, don’t give her drawer space in your bedroom, don’t visit her family! It’s only a fling!

10. Fall in love.

Why? Love is blind. When you lose perspective, you’ll also lose your vision of greener pastures. Remember Samson! Don’t develop a soft spot for your sexual conquests!

If NOT DOING things is too hard for you, Part 2 of this series will show you the things you should be DOING. Coming tomorrow!