Editor’s Note: Dear Nse are a series of letters written by a fan (Tayo) to a celebrity (Nse Ikpe Etim). The premise is they’ve come to share a special bond and exchange emails. Occasionally the odd reply from Nse will be written, but for the most part, it will consist of Tayo’s mails to her. In his letters, Tayo will discuss personal and/or social issues making the rounds.
Good day Nse,
How are you? How’s your family and work too?
I’m doing well and all is fantastic on the home front and by that I mean the Adelekan family. I can’t exactly say the same for Nigeria. A lot of things happened over these past weeks and just when I think Nigeria can’t get any more ridiculous, it surprises me! By the way, am I the only one that feels there should be a Nollywood comedy based on Nigeria? The story can be centered on a bumbling President who parades bread made from wheat or is it cassava flour and energy-saving light bulbs in the midst of bombings and shocking tales of corruption. Lol! I bet that movie will gross billions!
Just for laughs, how about we give the supporting role to Farouk Lawan. Ah…Farouk Lawan. The legislator we had dubbed Nigeria’s new messiah. The lawmaker who chaired a committee whose goal was to expose corruption in the petroleum industry. Who knew that the man was sewn from the same cloth as the worst of them? Isn’t it funny that a short while after this committee published its report; its chairman would be accused of receiving a bribe? This bribe is allegedly in excess of N100 million. And who better to give said bribe than Femi Odetola; one of the people this committee was tasked with investigating.
Someone said and I quote “He the collector will walk, the giver, a powerful oil magnate, Femi Otedola brazen enough to admit that he actually gave bribe, will walk. The report along with its shocking revelations will also walk and we, the inhibited populace, the populace with enough power to overthrow these culprits also walk away” *sigh* As an added bonus, let us have a scene with a FAAN official telling our President that the black box retrieved from the ill-fated Dana Air plane will spew its contents in 2013. That’s no sooner than six months. Is it so difficult to have a black box examined? Does it usually take that long? In the real world no, but in the hilarious flick known as Nigeria, it apparently takes forever.
My Pastor says not to insult the President, something about God recognizing him as a leader and speaking against his leadership is wrong. Just for that statement my Pastor has earned himself a starring role in this movie. Irrespective of this, sometimes I have a strong urge to give my President a resounding knock. Argh!
Yes! We should totally make this movie. Are you game? You know what, because I consider you a friend I’ll even offer you equity. However I cannot guarantee that we’ll make a killing. The other day on Twitter I came across tweets by a non-Nigerian filmmaker. She is bringing her film to our cinemas and explained how cinema owners will take 70% of the film earnings, while the distributor takes 10% and the filmmaker; you and I are left with 20%.
I don’t even know what to make of this sharing formula. I understand that cinemas aren’t run on popcorn and coke but this feels like exploitation. Where were the cinema owners when I was toiling over my Nigeria script? Were they present during the production and post-production stage? Did they help manage the hazards on the set? Then why take so much percentage of the profit? Come to think of it, if I gift away all my profit how will I pay the actors? Lol! Do you think in lieu of cash the actors will accept autographed pictures of our president?
Oh Nse, it might seem like I’m in a good mood but truth is I’m very sad. I’m tired of the corruption, bombings and innocent killings, but most of all I’m tired of feeling like I’m being led by a clueless leader. Perhaps that’s why I’m trying to find the humor in all of the madness. Maybe if we simply thought of ourselves as extras in the movie “Nigeria” it would be easier to watch our nation slide down the slippery slope.
Enough with my Nigeria rant. What have you been up to and when is your next movie showing? Are there any new people in your life? Do share if only to take my mind off gloomy thoughts. You tell the best stories so be sure to leave no details out in your reply!
Editor’s note: Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija