@theGeekymidget: A letter to Mr. Temple Runner (Y! Superblogger)

by Dolapo Amusat

Dear Mr. Temple Runner,

I really don’t know if I should even be writing this letter, seeing as I don’t even know how you’ll even read it? But, I really have to ask you some questions and seriously advise you. My curiosity (and conscience) has been bothering me, ever since I met you on my friend’s Android. In fact, I wanted to talk to you then, but you just kept running. I kept shouting your name, but you didn’t even do as much as look back. Well, I’ve picked up my pen now, and whether you stop to read this letter or not, I’ve freed myself of any guilt. After this letter, I can die a free man, with a clear conscience.

Bro, what happened? What exactly do you need the idol for? Why take an idol when you’ll never even have the time to adore it? What’s the point? In fact, isn’t the idol supposed to have powers capable of saving you, or something? What kind of idol is that? Or, wait. Did you ‘take’ the idol or you stole it? Or it belonged to your forefathers and you’re retrieving it? Too many questions, I know, but I’m dying to hear. A problem shared is a problem half-solved, isn’t thatwhat they say?

Well, to save you the stress of writing the entire story while running (and jumping and swimming in the Holy Temple), I have decided to write my postulations about your situation, in the hope that one would be correct. And also, I will advise you based on each:

You’re a world-class thief, and you were paid by some wealthyass Art collector to steal the idol from the Holy Temple.

This seems unlikely, because I don’t see why a ‘ world-class’ thief would be so unequipped, so tactless, so cowardly that all he can do is run. I don’t think you’re a world-class thief, honestly. You’re too wack to be one (No offense, bro).

Maybe you’re a marathoner, and you are practising for the next Olympics?

LOL. This one is hilarious and dumb. And it’s very possible. So, you left the comfort of your village in Kenya, to steal an idol you don’t know anything about, and get chased by monsters to the death? Because of a gold medal? LOL. You don’t deserve any advice. Just die, bro. Die.

Perhaps, on a more serious note, your mother is dying, and you need the idol to save her? 

Okay. This is serious. Why don’t you stop running now, raise both your hands in the air, turn back to the monsters, and shout ” I just wanna talk”. Maybe they’ll be reasonable enough to stop and listen? Negotiate with them, and maybe you’ll reach a compromise? Surely, the High Priest of the Holy Temple is a reasonable man. He’ll listen to you and help you. Well, I know it’s a risk, but do you have a choice?!

Or, you’re a kleptomaniac and the Devil pushed you to steal it?

Aha. That Devil in you is going to die today. If the monsters don’t outrightly eat you, the High Priest will cast that motherfucker out. Demon? In the Holy Temple? Not gonna happen. But it’s your fault, if you knew you were a klepto, you’ve had all the time in the world to voluntarily cut off your hands, now, I’m sure the monsters’ll be glad to help you.

If indeed you stopped to read this letter, then you’re probably dead and torn to shreds now and I should just stop writing here. But then, on the other hand, maybe you’ve not even read it,  and you never will. Anyhow, let me pray for you:

I pray that the monsters’ll not prey on you (This is unlikely, though. Sorry).

I pray the monsters don’t rape you from behind. Let’s hope it’s not a Kamasutra temple.

I pray Beyoncé eventually realises who RUNS the world.

And I pray that all those coins you collect somehow get to your family in Kenya. They really need them. Bro, my conscience is clear now. I’m not like the humans that just ignore you. I care. But I have to go now. You already have your own burden in life. Let me face mine.

I’ll be (almost not) expecting a reply. I’d like to hear how this your adventure ends(if it ever does).

Until then: Keep moving.

Yours sincerely,
The Only Person That Cares About You.

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Dolapo Amusat blogs at www.stellaressemble.com

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