Thoughts of a Young Nigerian: Our Royal Wedding

by ‘Yomi Kazeem

The following took place in the mind of a young Nigerian between 10:00pm and 11:00pm.

It was a colorful affair. Not British colourful, I mean Nigerian colourful. Yes, that colourful. When they coined that phrase ‘Eko for Show’, they were obviously not kidding! According to the organizers of the event, this was Royal Wedding 2.0 and they set out to make it so. Kate got to the venue of the event in grand style, alighting from a BRT bus, she looked smashing! The sisters under the bridge at Ikeja had done their magic with Kate’s hair, giving her, a very Royal Brazilian lace wig! Arriving, in the more modest Keke Napep, Prince William wasn’t left out, the boys at Next handled him and when they were done with his head, that bald patch was a thing of the past.

According to custom, royal weddings must take place at an edifice of world renowned popularity and so, we delivered. The wedding was held at our own architectural masterpiece capable of sitting the entire ‘mo gbo mo ya’ Peoples Association in Lagos- The National Theatre, Iganmu. Ingenious isn’t it? Standing on the stage, looking around the auditorium was a nostalgic moment, it was an enthralling show of the wonders our ‘iyas’ from Isale-Eko can do with Aso- Ebi, it almost brought tears to the eyes. The Queen’s ‘side’ wore purple damask, the expensive kind, Prince Charles and his homeboys were looking great in their white Guinea and red fila. The Middletons were decked in lace, the kind that has rocks littered all over it. The rest of the party had to make do with ankara. Not discrimination, just that ‘levels pass levels’. After a while the National Theatre began to creak under the weight of the people in attendance, these ‘mo gbo mo ya’ people were trooping out from all corners of town, so the party was transferred to Redeemed Camp, according to the organizers, even if 100 billion people show up, Holy Ghost fire was sufficient for them all.

This was certainly a spectacular wedding, not a dull moment! Not with Salawa Abeni rocking the stage. She wasn’t alone, she had the likes of Ebenezer Obey, King Sunny Ade, KWAM 1, Banky W and co in attendance, a nice mix of old and young, we certainly showed them that it wasn’t only Britain that had talent. The only notable absentee was Kokomaster D’banj, organizers feared the ladies of the royal family would be smitten by Mr. Endowed thus giving the world a headache of how to deal with unroyal babies, 9 months from now. The presiding minister Pastor Okotie (not to worry, organizers provided guests with dictionaries) handled the solemnization of vows, he emphasized that “the sacrosanctity of the unification of the two anatomies in an imperially majestic manner, ought not be defiled by things considered unholy, as the institution of marriage had a distinct unique albeit deep seated, thinly veiled repugnance and abhorrence towards infidelity”. He pronounced them man and wife and conferred on them the royal title of Baale and Yeye of Iyana-Abule. Just as they were about to kiss, the predictable happened, NEPA took light! The royal family, fearing a terrorist attack, was quickly surrounded by the MI-5 and security operatives of Interpol. Nigerians on the other hand, familiar with NEPA and their incapability, simply held on to their prized possessions until electricity was installed, if not for Tiger generators, it would have been a disgrace!

The Master of Ceremony was a person of power, the organizers in a bid to ensure the success of this wedding, engaged the one and only, the indomitable, the inimitable Dame Patience. Not one to be shy, irrespective of any oral impediments, took to the stage like a seasoned performer, she handled the event which grace and poise entertaining the royal family, her fellow widows, with her repertoire of grammatical jokes. She told stories of how she encouraged people to press their hands on the umblerra, she also told them to enjoy themselves and not be afraid due to stories of the spate bomb blasts across the nation; she said the Federal Government had approved $200 billion for the say-q-rity of the event. She went further to tell Her Majesty to pray for the people killing ‘shildren and turning them to widows’, she reiterated that she was convinced that these bad eggs would turn a new leaf, after all, ‘were they not born of a women’?

The event was winding down gradually, royal and unroyal people alike were rocking the tunes of high life- Osondi Owendi, it had all gone according to plan, the food was of the most delicious kind, Prince Harry particularly took to Semo and Ogbono, his agbada was full of stains of long lines of ogbono, but trust our people, they promptly soaked it in ‘bleach’, within minutes it was like brand new again. The organizers kept saying they had a surprise, everyone wondered what it was, but they refused to divulge their secret, we had forgotten about the surprise until we heard a royal shriek; we all looked in the direction of the scream, and what we saw was beyond our wildest imaginations…Princess Diana had arrived.

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A proud native of the ancient and illustrious town of Ijebu-Ode, wordsmith extraordinaire Yomi Kazeem is a young Nigerian with a truly infinite imagination. With Yomi things are far from usual, whether tackling serious issues comically while striking cords of reasoning or creating alternate realities, Yomi holds readers spellbound whilst forcing a laugh or two. His writing exploits have earned him the International Law and Diplomacy Students Association Award for Literary Excellence amongst others. An avid thinker, soccer enthusiast and believer in the Nigerian cause, Yomi incessantly searches for new horizons which he inevitably finds with a pen in his hands.

Yomi holds a degree in International Law and Diplomacy from the prestigious Babcock University.

Follow him on twitter @yomiceo67.

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Comments (19)

  1. dis is lovely..i likeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

  2. This is a brilliant piece.Your creativity interwoven with a good sense of humour is fantastic. Keep it up.

  3. Humour and perfection,an adorable combination. This is just the beginning 🙂

  4. Highly entertaining piece. Many Thanks to Dinamic and Unique Nigeria setup for familiar materials used to buttress Yomi's points.Hope is not all lost. Bravo to a rising Star.

  5. my rib cage is already painful…nice one bro, beautifully satire of our society.

  6. i have never been oblivious of yomi's abundant writing skills…..he's yet to maturise them though,meaning this is just a tip of an iceberg,the whole journalism world will left mouth-agap when yomi ''fully arrives''…

    1. Proud of you, son. Brilliant write-up, as usual. May your star continue to shine.

  7. Good Job Junior.you r goin places

  8. Great enthusiasm…worthy of a Nobel Prize…lol…but be careful o, u don't want to be in Jonathan's black book…

  9. Nice read. Look forward to more interesting material from you.

  10. Very nice piece and it all blended well, love the surprise….lol GOD would cause ur talent to make room for u in high places in JESUS name Amen.

  11. Brillian piece, bt no let umbrerra catch u o! otherwise u will b charged 4 treason

  12. This is marvellous. Keep it up. God is your strength.

  13. This is great bruv..More grease to your elbow.Proud of u man.

  14. Interesting piece. Creative blend of humour, satire and showcase of Nigeria’s sociocultural aspects. Keep it up bro!

cool good eh love2 cute confused notgood numb disgusting fail