“Immediately after elections, sit back and relax!” – The true meaning of President Jonathan’s Transformation Agenda, by Yomi Kazeem

Immediately after elections, instead of hitting the ground running like you promised you would, sit back and relax. Enjoy your victory. One doesn’t go from being shoeless to being President every day so why hurry? The people have been disappointed many times before surely they can take this on the chin and if they can’t, what is the big deal

B. Travel Around The World

There’s no denying that opportunities come but once and so if lady fortune is good enough to grant you keys to the treasury and the presidential fleet in one fairytale swoop, by all means, explore! North, South, East or West-Just keep going. When people complain about your absence, set the First Lady on them to emphasize that ‘you are a good men’. If they persist tell them you’re merely fulfilling the stipulations of your office by trying to entice Foreign Direct Investment because for some ridiculous reason our country-despite being highly and unbelievably corrupt, bereft of standard economic or business framework, devoid of a conducive business atmosphere and grossly insecure in light of a spate of bombings that have left our law enforcement forces wondering like Stevie-is still a great destination for international investment. You’ll need your best poker face to pull this off!

C. Turn The Screw

Despite telling the people you understood their plight back way back in the days when you were campaigning, proceed to be absolutely insensitive towards their yearning and insecurities. Propose economic policies that are unpopular because they are shrouded in layers of ambiguous terminology and uttered from distrusted lips. Do not stop there! Go further to implement the same policy that has left a bad taste in the mouth owing to widespread belief that it is another conduit to siphon money at the time when the populace, a majority of whom you claimed to be like a while ago, were getting ready to recover from the holiday spending and thus were financially fragile. Should the people attempt to express their displeasure via peaceful protests, simply ignore them. Where two or three are gathered, disperse them with tear-gas. When eminent personalities try to talk you out of the policy on national TV, ignore them too. When the young Nigerians connect with each other and form synergies all across the country while trying to get across to you, ignore them. When the unrests are recipient of coverage by international media, ignore those too. When the 150 millions yell ‘hardship!’, stuff 1,600 buses down their throats knowing fully well that this will be of little or no effect in alleviating their problems. If the protests go on despite your strict adherence to the task of ignoring them, set armed soldiers on the people, your people. Forge an argument with the NLC by any means necessary BUT you must deprive the people of that satisfaction that their opinions were worth a listen. After all, why should they be stupid enough to think what they want mattered?