Every day on the Nigerian internet, there are people who keep our eyes glued to our phone screens as we read their rants, opinions, perspectives on political and social matters, etc. Sometimes, they are just downright ridiculous. We make it our job to take down the names of these noisemakers.

Here’s our list from today:

1 Eketi Ette

Today has been a day of good news, so let’s lead with the bad. The floods in Benue state have created a humanitarian crisis, and Nigerians are pitching in to help…except that in Nigeria, there’s still a pecking order for relief efforts. Hence Eketi’s groans below:

2. Abayomi Shogunle

The Assistant Commissioner of Police, TwitterNG-knighted Sir Abayomi Shogunle is patting himself on the back for the crop of policemen Nigeria has:

We must be living in a different Nigeria, where the police actually have respect for human life.

Shior.

 

3. Elnathan John

The pat on the back was not sufficient, it seems, Police NG is coming out with a TV show. Here’s the programme guide:

Don’t take our word for it- Might be worse.

4. Cheta Nwanze

And now to the good news. Super Eagles of Nigeria decimated the Lions of Cameroon 4-0. You must be hearing the uproar from Twitter NG in the hinterlands, lack of data notwithstanding. It’s after all, “orgasms”.

I lived to see a Nigeria team destroy Cameroon by four goals. This is orgasms!

— Chxta (@Chxta) September 1, 2017

Lions are no longer safe in Nigeria. Either the rats are chasing them, or the Eagles are beating them mercilessly.
4-0 Sweet die.

— Mike Asukwo (@Asukwoeb) September 1, 2017

5. Ben Bruce

If there’s one thing that unites Nigerians from all religions and tribes, it’s football. Uncanny, isn’t it. The commonsense Senator thanks our Eagles:

4-0. In these days of divisions in Nigeria we must thank the Super Eagles for provoking nationwide unity by this win. Proud of Super Eagles!

— Ben Murray-Bruce (@benmurraybruce) September 1, 2017

6. GEJ

Former President of Nigeria also toes the unity line:

Football is a great unifier and the Super Eagles have done much to unify Nigeria by this win. I celebrate their talent. Go Super Eagles. GEJ

— Goodluck E. Jonathan (@GEJonathan) September 1, 2017

7. Buhari

Our President did not miss the opportunity to congratulate the Super Eagles

I join millions of football-loving Nigerians in applauding our Super Eagles for their skilful and entertaining display against Cameroon.

— Muhammadu Buhari (@MBuhari) September 1, 2017

Congratulations, Super Eagles, on the impressive win. We are looking forward to you sustaining the momentum in the return leg.

— Muhammadu Buhari (@MBuhari) September 1, 2017

8. Omojuwa

This speaks for itself. RT:

RT this to give Jon Obi Mikel a deserved ovation ????????????

— JJ. Omojuwa (@Omojuwa) September 1, 2017

9. Mikel Obi

He may not have tweeted, but this goal is more than sufficient noise.

Nigeria vs. Cameroon (All Goals) pic.twitter.com/YdbhNzdGZ8

— o.o (@Okwuchiii) September 1, 2017

Give it up for Mikel Obi, guys