Every day on the Nigerian internet, there are people who keep our eyes glued to our phone screens as we read their rants, opinions, perspectives on political and social matters, etc. Sometimes, they are even just downright ridiculous. We make it our job to take down the names of these noisemakers.

Here’s our list from today:

1. Maje Ayida

Maje Ayida is headlining this report because it’s February, the month of love- even if this tale is about love gone sour.

Maje is one sneaky dude. Ah. So he sat down there, pretended he was cool with Toke’s tell-all book, then out of the blue, he slams her with a letter threatening a legal suit if she does not destroy all copies of the book ” On Becoming” and also issue letters of apology. And to think we assumed this guy had swallowed hook, line and sinker our message in the Thought Experiment. Boy, were we wrong.

2. Toke Makinwa, the one whom God fights for

The entrepreneur, OAP and author is not giving Maje’s legal suit the time of day This is what she put up on Instagram when Maje’s news came through.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BQCeg5lDYO2/?taken-by=tokemakinwa&hl=en

Yes, lass. He is our bulwark, our strong tower, our refuge in times of trouble. Yes, he is all that and more, but girl, you might wanna take some teeny weeny time out and get yourself a lawyer, girl. All those ??? can’t go down the drain. You did not do that bewitching promo for nothing o, so suit up.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BQC33DnDPUb/?tagged=bestsellingbook

As with all things controversial, Maje’s potential legal suit has spiked interest in Toke’s book. This photo she put on IG now has over 40k views and requests from people who want to buy the book. What we don’t know is whom all that money will go to last last.

3. Ekwelike Stanley

Speaking of love interests, we called this one for the bullshit we rightly suspected it to be. This mgbo, looking for his own five minutes of limelight, latched on to Gifty’s notoriety in recent times and tweeted that she is his girlfriend.

So my girl is kissing another dude on BIG BROTHER NIGERIA just for the money. Hope her Love for me was real ?#stilllove #gifty pic.twitter.com/gc5ey0QPNd

— Ekwelike Stanley (@EkwelikeStanley) February 2, 2017

He even said he had a sex tape somewhere, causing people to tweet stuff like this below:

I don't think she luvs u,Everything about her is fake,u aint d only one she has been with pic.twitter.com/78GLEd6u9p

— Adaeze (@26111901) February 3, 2017

What do we have here- true confessions?

Hey guys.We have had so much fun and I hope y'all know it was from a movie set right? So let's move on. Vote for #gifty #BBNaijia love her pic.twitter.com/WYfktm17Cp

— Ekwelike Stanley (@EkwelikeStanley) February 3, 2017

Don’t know how this is supposed to help Gifty any, if he has succeeded in dragging her name through the mud.

*Ekwensu*

 

4. Oby Ezekwesili

Sorry, we have to move on from love – all the terrible parts of it- to the Nigerian government, which is worse. Strap in.

Yesterday (and today), Auntie Lauretta, Femi Adesina and the Lagos police force all put their mouth into 2Baba’s protest, calling it corruption fighting back, vowing it would not hold so long as they have anything to do with it. Today, the commissioner of police still insisted that the protest would not hold. Cue in the dragon lady, our very own Voltron (we love you, ma), who put the FG on notice in without mincing words: “CULTURE of Govt insulting, assaulting, denigrating, disparaging maligning, slandering&attacking dissenting voices is CRUDE DEMOCRACY. STOP!”

5. Federal Government

Not long after Mrs Ezekwesili had served the FG notice, the Federal government came out to state that they will not stand in the way of any protest. They denied outright any attempt on their part to stop the protest from holding.

Wise decision.

 

6. Femi Kuti

Son of Fela Kuti, one of Nigeria’s legendary music activists,  has been in the news today for “condemning” 2Baba’s protest. He did call it a stupid protest, sha, in the video we saw, but he says he was not condemning the protest. See here.

7. Mugabe

Introducing the cattle tax

No way we won’t end with this, because it’s only in Africa the ludicrous is possible. So lifetime president of Zimbabwe (I tell you, he will die on that seat) is celebrating his 93rd birthday in a few weeks. For this special occasion, farmers in Zimbabwe have been ordered to supply the presidency with 150 cattle. Yes, of course, they should. If small human being, who is not even a chief in Nigeria, does a birthday party with one cow, the president of an entire country in a continent deserves more. That’s respeck. And hell of a way to make some noise.

Till tomorrow.