Summer is round corner and school is almost out—at least in America. In Nigeria, we’re just getting into the rainy season and can look forward to torrential rains, washed out roads, and the prayers said under our breaths not to end up floating past a fish trawler as we drive our cars on the roads of Nigeria.

Nevermind though, because blockbuster season is here! From May through to August, the flashiest, funniest, scariest and grossest movies will be vying for the title ‘No. 1 Movie of the Summer!!!!’ earning the studios millions (maybe billions),  while the stars receive A-list status (and millions), and we get to wash away our troubles by forking out N1,500 to N2,500 to be enthralled by the silver screen for about 2 hours.

This summer rainy season just might be the best ever.

MAY

The Avengers: This movie has an early release score of 98% on rotten tomatoes, and why not? Iron Man, Thor, Captain America, Hulk, Black Widow and Hawkeye become a team put together by Nick Fury to battle their enemy, Loki. The culmination of several years of cinema, Joss Whedon has directed this summer’s surefire hit. Ladies, be sure to look out for shirtless scenes, ’cause there is sure to be some man candy flexing his pecs somewhere.

 

The Dictator: Did you like ‘Borat’? Then this is right up your alley as Sascha Baron Cohen brings his trademark humour to the screen (again!) and plays a (you guessed it!) dictator bent on preventing democracy from coming to his country. So any regular day in Nigeria then.

Battleship: It’s got Rihanna! Acting! Why?! They truly are running out of ideas in Hollywood if they are mining board games for scripts. Based on the same-titled board game, a fleet of Naval ships engaged in a war game come across alien lifeforms (sitting jeje-ly minding their own business) which they have to battle. To save humanity…uhm, so. Rihanna!

What to Expect When You’re Expecting: The title says it all.

Men in Black III: Yet another sequel. Still it’s all good fun as J travels back in time to the swingin’ 60’s to prevent K’s assassination at the hands of an aliens. Josh Brolin (‘No Country for Old Men’) basically spends the entire movie doing a Tommy Lee Jones impersonation. L.O.L.

 

JUNE

Snow White and the Huntsman: One more fairytale dragged into the present. The writers flip the script and make Snow White a butt-kicking warrior princess out to save her kingdom. One of the few movies to have a female lead.

Prometheus: And this is another offering with two (yay) female leads. The prequel-but-not-quite to the ‘Aliens’ series sees a bunch of scientists who venture out to make discoveries yet come across something far more sinister.

 

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter: I want to watch this merely for the title alone, which I think explains itself quite nicely. How they ever thought of using a US president for this I will never know.

 

Brave: Animation studio Pixar’s first movie with a female lead. “Determined to make her own path in life, Princess Merida defies a custom that brings chaos to her kingdom. Granted one wish, Merida must rely on her bravery and her archery skills to undo a beastly curse,” says IMDB. Good for the family.

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World: I think these days film titles want to tell you their entire plotline in one fell swoop, kinda like this one.

G.I. Joe: Retaliation: Sequel (I think we could start a drinking game). Just like the G.I. Joe cartoons we used to watch as a kid, the team faces down Zaltan after they are blacklisted and terminated by the (SPOILER:impostor) president.

Magic Mike: Hey, ladies! Channing Tatum stripping. ‘Nuff said. 

 

JULY

The Amazing Spiderman: They are rebooting the Spiderman series with a younger cast. Next time they do this, we might end up with teenagers. Spidey’s enemy du jour? The Lizard.

Savages: Blake Lively (of ‘Gossip Girl’ fame) grows ‘weed’ and has a polyamourous relationship with her co-weed growers. She gets kidnapped and her lovers try to rescue her. Where do people come up with this nonsense?

The Dark Knight Rises: Eight years after owning up to Two Face’s crimes, Batman is branded an enemy of Gotham city. Still, he can’t help but respond when the city needs help fighting against the new crimelord, Bane.

 

Neighborhood Watch: Local neighbourhood fathers find out that earth is being invaded by aliens and defend their homes against attack. A premise so silly it just might be interesting.

Step Up Revolution: I’m surprised this wasn’t named ‘Step up 4D—dancing in your living room!’; this series has run well out of steam. Story? Two young, beautiful white people bump ‘n’ grind their way to happiness with minor friction (he’s too street! She’s too strict!) along the way. Go for the choreography.

 

AUGUST

The Bourne Legacy: Not quite (but mostly) a sequel. Jeremy Renner takes on the Bourne reigns as a new character Aaron Cross. Genetic experiments, racing across cold foreign terrain and a sexy nurse (Rachel Weisz) is the perfect recipe for a blockbuster.

Total Recall: A remake of the 1990 Schwarzzeneger hit, minus Mars. We find Collin Farrell taking on the role of maybe/maybe not spy who may/may not be in an alternate reality game. He is on the run from the law as he decides whether he is a Euromerican or New Shanghai asset—the two superpowers vying for supremacy.

The Expendables 2: Yet another (you guessed it!) sequel. When one of the members of the expendables team is killed during a mission, the rest team try to find out why and runs into a surprising enemy.