by Heartless Doll

10. Because whatever you wear looks kinda slutty.
Christina Hendricks, one my of my favorite women on television, has this problem. Whenever there is an awards show, and she gets all glitzy, internet commenters invariably call her out for getting tarted up. “HER BREASTS ARE OBSCENE!” gentle readers will cry. People, it’s called dressing to your figure, not being a wanton slut. Women with big boobs know that v-necks and well-defined waists are their friends, and that is why we stock our closet appropriately.

9. …Or, matronly.
You know those tent dresses that became so popular last season? Yeah, we boobish types aren’t wearing them. That is because we’ll literally make it look like a tent. Or, a teepee. If we wear anything too loose, it becomes an ever-enlargening triangle at the bust area, turning the “tent dress” into a Boca Raton mumu.

8. Because bikinis make you look like a cartoon.​
Think Jessica Rabbit. Bikinis are specifically engineered to make our lady parts go up and out. On some, the results can be frightening.

7. Because you can’t wear high-necked things unless you want your top half to look like a square.
Oh, frilly necked tops! How I gaze upon you with desire! And then, spit on you in the dressing room because you always make me look unforgivingly terrible. How can something so gauzy and delicate be transformed into something so geometric and wrong? WHY ANTHROPOLOGIE, WHY?

6. Because boob-related nicknames are sort of horrendous. 
Now that I think about it, even “boob” is bad. “BOOB!” What? What does it mean? Webster’s says “a stupid, awkward person.” My, how flattering. See also: jugs, fun bags, grillwork (?), and more descriptive terms here.

5. Because Heidi Montag is our new spokesperson.
I feel a little bad for including her on this list. But seriously.

4. Because whenever someone famous is naturally flat-chested we’re all, YAY FOR HER! But whenever someone famous is naturally large-chested we’re all, “bitch.”
Gretchen on the Real Housewives of Orange County is a good example of the former, Christina Hendricks of the latter. We’re so proud Gretchen has withstood the pressures of boobie plastic surgery in an infamously surgeried town! HOORAY GRETCHEN! And yet, the untouched (to my knowledge) Christina Hendricks invites scorn — from other women? Ladies, no. Let’s not do that.

3. Because women let men talk them into boob-related MISTAKES.
And by mistakes I mean this.

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2. Because they are so damn high-maintenance.
Every woman knows what I’m talking about here, but large-breasted women especially. How many times have you tried on a bridesmaid dress – strapless – and wondered about the feat of undergarment engineering that will be required to hold up your girls so that the dress fits, but not holding them up so much that they look “slutty” and thus ruffle the bride on her big damn day? Or found a super cute bikini bottom, only to realize that the bottom and tops aren’t sold in separate sizes and that the corresponding top is large enough to cover roughly 1/4 of your areola? Or, or…EXACTLY.

1. Because WHY BOOBS?
I know the function they serve. I know we all likely possess some deep-seated Freudian attachment to our mother’s original breast. But now we are adults, so let’s be logical about this: WHY BOOBS. Why not cover up something else and go crazy about it? Why are boobs singled out? Why aren’t calves drool-worthy? Why aren’t elbows as titillating? (And did you notice I used the word “tit?”)

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Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.