by Anna Breslaw

You know she cheated on him last year, right? And he’s soooo dumb? And they’ve only been dating for two seconds? And she actually had the photo they’re using on their TheKnot.com photoshopped so he was better-looking? I predict divorce within five years. Anyway, I’m the maid of honor. 

1. The “You Don’t Need To Diet, But I Need To Diet.” Oh my God, don’t even look at the calorie count! You are so skinny I can barely see you when you turn to the side! But I really should cut out bread. And cheese. And try that diet Jessica Alba’s on where you eat nothing but bouillon cubes and air. What? I can’t hear you, I’m too fat.

2. The “Everyone Has HPV.” Don’t freak out! Everyone has it! Literally everybody, it’s sooooo common. I mean, I don’t. But everybody has it!

3. The “Being Single Is Awesome.” Being single is awesome! Sometimes I feel so trapped by the warmth and stability of my loving relationship! You’re so lucky you get to do whatever you want because nobody cares about you!

4. The “But It’s Fall!” You: I really want this carby pasta/expensive sweater, but I shouldn’t. Friend: But it’s fall!

5. The “You Can Do Better.” He’s not even that hot — he has weird teeth. Also, you think his Twitter’s so funny, but it’s not funny-funny. It’s funny-weird. And it’s easy to be funny-weird. He looks so stupid in that jacket. […] Oh. You’re back together? Tell him hi for me!

6. The “I’ve Been Meaning To Go To Yoga More.” I always feelsooo much less stressed out when I do, but I’m so busy, and I work all the time, and when I’m not working I’m hanging out with you, but I really should go to yoga more. We should go to yoga together!

7. The “They Should Not Be Getting Married.” You know she cheated on him last year, right? And he’s soooo dumb? And they’ve only been dating for two seconds? And she actually had the photo they’re using on their TheKnot.com photoshopped so he was better-looking? I predict divorce within five years. Anyway, I’m the maid of honor.

8. The “What Are Your Feelings On Juice Cleanses?” You tried one, right? How expensive was it? How much weight did you lose? Did you try the Gwyneth one or the Salma Hayek one? Did you feel really healthy afterwards? Did you make it all the way through? Did you get so hungry that you blacked out and woke up with the burger from a sobbing child’s Happy Meal in your mouth? How expensive was it to bail you out of jail? I’m so glad we had this talk!

9. The “When Did You Stop Watching Grey’s Anatomy?” After that episode with the bomb? Or when Izzie started seeing Ghost Denny? Or when Meredith hits her head in that bus accident and temporary brain damage convinces her that she’s the singing Christian broccoli in Veggie Tales? Oh, you still watch it? NBD, we just have to perform a ritual killing.

10. The “What The Hell Is BB/CC/DD Cream, Really?” I am on Page 11 of Google Search results and I still don’t know. You know why? Because NOBODY KNOWS.

11. The “I’m So Tired.” You’re tired? No, I’m tired. I’m soooo tired. I got like an hour of sleep last night. You haven’t slept in a year. I don’t even know what sleep is. We are both so tired. We’re dead. We’re ghosts.

12. The “I Lament Never Having Had A Slutty Period.” I should have had sex with more guys in college, right? Just like, gotten hammered and had some strange penis in my face. Now I’m, like, an aunt.

13. The “You’re Not Being Crazy.” No, that’s totally rational! I would feel the exact same way. He’s the one that’s being crazy.

14. The Bi-Weekly “Should I Get Bangs?” Like straight-across punk ones or side-swept ones? Or little pin-up Bette Page ones? Are you listening? MAYBE I’LL DO IT THIS TIME! Then you’ll listen, won’t you! (I’m not going to do it.)

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Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.