by Shante Cosme
We don’t know what man spread the rumor that duration has anything to do with the quality of sex
Every once in a while, a woman encounters a man so thoroughly misguided about sex, it’s shocking that he’s managed to maintain his incorrect ways without a woman setting him straight. It would be impressive if it wasn’t so heartbreaking. And annoying.
Even men with the best of intentions are sometimes guilty of sexual missteps. Learn from their mistakes (yes, we’re generously assuming you’ve yet to make any) and be sure to take copious notes: These are 25 Misconceptions Guys Have About Sex.
If sex doesn’t last for hours, it’s not satisfying.
We don’t know what man spread the rumor that duration has anything to do with the quality of sex, but we do know we want to punch that dude in his overactive dick. Most nights, these marathon sessions just have us silently begging for mercy for our uteri and agonizing over how much sleep we’re losing. Save the into-the-wee-hours sex sessions for vacations, when you have nothing to do but bone the day away. On a daily basis, 15-20 minutes (not including foreplay) will do just fine.
Even spontaneous quickies are appreciated over an hour of mindless, machine-like thrusting. As long as your sex life isn’t subsisting on quickies alone, you’ll never be faulted for the occasional wham-bam-thank-you-mam.
Manscaping is a must.
Despite the myth glossy magazines continue to perpetuate, a man whose body is as hairless as a newborn seal is not more desirable. Work with what God gave you, not against it. When you insist on shaving your chest, arms, and all of your pubes, you look like you should have a vagina, and when the stubble grows in, we feel like we’re hooking up with a lazy transvestite.
Instead of trying to compete with her to be the baldest one of all, embrace your body hair. It’s manly and (this just in!) masculinity is sexy. The sole exception: We don’t want to undertake the impossible task of parting your pubes like they’re the Red Sea to get to your penis (or worst yet, choking on them), so trimming is always appreciated.
Sex starts well before the first article of clothing hits the floor. The real foreplay is appreciating her on a daily basis. Making her feel special, and sexy, and enduring her boring work stories without so much as a complaint. It begins when you touch her back at a party, or exchange a knowing look across the room. And yes, by occasionally sending her suggestive text messages about what you’d like to do later.
All of this ensures that when you finally get time together, she’ll want to tear your clothes off before the door closes. You’re hers and she’s yours, and nothing could be hotter.
We need to be persuaded to have sex.
We do not offer sex as a reward for good behavior like a dog-owner giving a puppy a treat for not peeing on the rug. We are not putting up with sex. We enjoy it just as much as you do, and in some cases, more than you.
We think about sex just as often as you do. Our X-rated daydreams could rival yours, and the stories we relate to our friends would make even the most brazen man blush. Some women want sex less frequently (as do some men), but many women want it often. It’s a matter of sex drive, and a low sex drive is not typical of all females any more than a high sex drive is typical of all males.
All nipples are created equal.
When it comes to nipples, women are divided into two camps. Many feel men ignore them entirely in favor of clumsily pawing their breasts like they’re filled with cat nip. On the other hand, many women feel that guys pay too much attention to nipples, leaving ladies awkwardly splayed there while the dude attempts to massage pleasure out of a place that isn’t the best-suited for that.
So, chances are, you’re either paying nipples too little attention, or too much. Avoid making them feel discriminated against by paying close attention to how she reacts when you graze her upper body. If she arches her shoulders back and breathes heavily, you should linger. If she squirms away from your touch, or seems to be focused more on the ceiling than the sensation, it’s time to meander elsewhere.
We even vaguely believe you when you say “It was dark” or “It slipped” as an excuse for shoving your penis in or around our butts.
Seriously. We know what you’re doing.
We don’t ogle men.
We hate to spoil the idea men have about being the only ones that indulge in the visual pleasure of another’s body, but we have to set the record straight: Women are checking you out.
Admittedly, you don’t look as good naked as we do, but you still have a lot to admire. Broad shoulders, defined arms, a strong neck, lean torso, and calves that look like they were made to destroy soccer balls are among the few things we unabashedly size up and mentally catalog (maybe for later—we’re not saying).
Also, we spend an inordinate amount of time talking about the discernible shape of a man’s penis in sweatpants. Don’t get all cocky about it, though.
A porn star’s body is the template for every woman.
Some may strive to reach the pinnacle of porn star-perfection via intensive waxing and anal bleaching, but your average woman won’t be taking such drastic measures.
Guys, we have pubic hair. We have cellulite and stubble and breasts that rarely sit near our collar bones. We have freckles and flaws, and above all, we are unapologetic about our inability to achieve model-like perfection. Remember, you’ve been conditioned to want that.
A woman who is self-assured and proud of the skin she’s in is a real woman. Recognize real, and appreciate it.
The best way to deal with a failing erection is to ignore it.
Don’t go all Little Engine That Could on our vaginas and think you’re the little penis that can. While you’re fumbling away, or worse yet, thrusting with Mister Softee thinking we might not notice, we are definitely noticing.
Instead of playing your minor infraction off by pretending it’s not happening, admit that your penis is being temperamental. Crack a joke at that finicky bastard’s expense. And then resolve the situation by focusing on us until you’re ready for another round.
And yes, the same rule applies to premature ejaculation. It’s not a big deal unless you act awkward and make it one.
I am satisfied, so she must be.
The minute you become convinced that you’re God’s gift to a woman’s vagina is the minute she’s off complaining to her friends that you’re not attentive/kinky/exciting enough. So, a word of wisdom: Never go into maintenance-mode with the woman you’re lucky enough to regularly roll around with.
We’re not saying sex should be hard work. But if you’re approaching sex like it’s a mission that must be completed, you’re misguided. It’s a new adventure each time, meaning you should be constantly seeking new ways to enjoy each other. Like any part of your relationship, it requires you to check in with each other to make sure your needs are being met. This means you should be brainstorming ways to keep things thrilling. You should be talking about your sex life, even when you’re not in bed.
Communication during sex should be limited to dirty talk.
If your vocabulary is limited to four-letter words during sex, you’re missing out an opportunity to connect, and most importantly, take your sex to another level. Instead of listing one-word demands like “Faster” or “Harder,” ask her what she likes. Don’t be afraid to ask, “Does this feel good?”
Talk about what turns you on with words that aren’t uttered in porn.
Some of the best sex comes via a real emotional experience. “You’re beautiful” and “I love you” take on an entirely new meaning when said when there’s no space between the two of you. It is ultimately the difference between mutual masturbation and bona fide lovemaking.
When it comes to the clitoris, the rougher the better.
The clitoris should not be slapped around, abused, or gnawed on. It should be gently and tentatively touched the way you might poke a sleeping tiger. Just like the fragile objects dangling between your legs, our sensitive parts should be handled with care.
As a rule of thumb, always use as gentle a touch as possible. And when in doubt about the success of your technique, ask.
It’s okay to ejaculate anywhere you want.
Assuming you can finish anywhere but inside a condom is grounds for dismissal, particularly early in the game. In most cases, it is considered good manners to ask what you can and cannot do, but in this case, if you even dare to request a place you’d prefer to let loose, you’re in the wrong.
If we wanted to see your semen anywhere but inside a condom, rest assured, we’d make our desires known. If we didn’t ask… Well, you do the math.
A woman’s worst fear is sex with the lights on.
Don’t assume a woman is self-conscious or insecure about her body. Not all of us are obsessed with being emaciated magazine models, or conversely, in pursuit of surgically inflating our breasts. We love our bodies just as they are and have no qualms about sharing every single curve with you in broad daylight.
So, no, we don’t want you to turn off the lights. And no, we aren’t insecure about doing it doggy style. It’s exciting for us to watch you admire every inch.
If it’s not broken, don’t fix it.
When it comes to sex, your greatest fear should be boredom. You cannot expect to keep doing the same routine and have her erupt into applause after a performance she’s already seen three times that very week.
We know, women are like trigonometry, and you’re tempted to leave all of the variables in place once you’ve cracked the elusive formula that brings her to orgasm. But, be warned, if you’re recycling the same plays you’ve used since you first met, your sex life is in need of a serious fix. Instead of obsessing over “what works,” explore new routes to reaching the finish line. Even if it leads to a dead end, your sex life will undoubtedly be better for the discovery process.
Women are not as freaky as men.
We have no idea who started this myth, but just like her sexual appetite, her preference for kinkier pursuits (from kinda vanilla to You want me to do what?) is not contingent upon the absence of a Y chromosome. Some men are all-missionary all the time, some have as many fetishes as freckles. The same is true of women.
With this in mind, you should definitely share what you’re into. Unless you’ve only been dating for a few weeks, or what you’re suggesting is illegal, there is absolutely no reason why you should not express even your most eyebrow-raising preferences.
Chances are, she’s more open-minded than you think, and if you mention it in conversation (before you get in bed), she just may surprise you by not only obliging your desires, but sharing her own!
If you’re not making her climax from sex alone, you’re doing something wrong.
According to sex statistics (and many women we know), females who can orgasm from penetration alone are as rare as Zeus riding a unicorn while lassoing the Loch Ness Monster. Yet, despite overwhelming evidence, men seem preoccupied with the idea that this feat is possible for all women. This is irritating (stop telling me what my body is capable of!) and also a waste of effort.
Instead of insisting on her G-spot’s existence after many failed attempts to find it, focus on making her orgasm in a way that works for her (read: use your hands and tongue). Also, cut yourself some slack! You’re not failing if she can’t climax from sex alone anymore than she’s failing because she can’t orgasm.
And, while we’re at it, can we do away with your preoccupation on the whole climaxing at the same time thing? It’s near impossible, so let’s not stress if it doesn’t happen, okay? Two orgasms are nice, but they don’t need to be simultaneous to be great.
Baby talk is just as important as dirty talk.
No. There is nothing sexy about being spoken to like you’re a babbling infant or a miniature poodle. Stop infantilizing yourself and and start treating us like the grown-ass-women we are. Thank you.
Women enjoy giving more than taking.
We love making you feel good, we really do. But automatically assuming that our feminine side means we’re not into sex for our own pleasure is incorrect.
We want to climax. We’re not preoccupied with achieving orgasm from your penis alone. Your mouth, fingers, and even a vibrator will do just fine. But if you climax, we want to climax too! Don’t leave us out of the fun because you assume we’re above getting off. News flash: We’re totally not.
And yes, sometimes we’d like to be the selfish ones and get some oral sex before going to sleep without reciprocating. Guys shouldn’t be the only ones to get a no-backsies pleasure session. Share the wealth!
The harder you thrust, the better.
Sex is not a carnival game. You do not win a prize based on how hard you hit the bell with your mallet. When you’re on top, pounding away, we’re not having fun. The iron-clad vaginas of PornHub may be down for sixty thrusts per minute, but in the real world, you’ll rarely keep a woman wet by imitating what you see during your private late night screenings; you’re just going to giver her internal rug burn.
Remember, gentlemen, porn is entertainment, not instruction. To avoid a situation that requires ointment, remind yourself that this is a real person under you, with live nerve endings. You listen, you connect with her, and you move based on her— instead of being all like, “HULK SMASH.” The former will leave her satisfied, and the latter will leave her sore.
Sex is serious.
Nothing is worse than a somber-faced man during sex. We get it, you’re concentrating, but sex should not be taken so seriously. This is adult play time, and you should be visibly enjoying yourself, and yes, even laughing. When two sweaty, naked people collide, the result is often hilarious. Body squeaking and forehead smashing will occur. You’ll let out a weird moan that sounds like it came from another species. Embrace the comedic side of sex. It’s healthy to laugh, and it creates an atmosphere where there are no mistakes, just good jokes.
The bigger, the better.
We’ve never met a woman who has professed her desire for a man with a penis the size of a forearm. However, we have heard more than a few ladies lamenting over a well-endowed man who batters away blindly, like a piston.
This is the real must-have list: a generous lover who pursues our pleasure and makes us feel sexy when we’re naked. A man who knows when to be gentle and when to be a little rough, who can handle a naked woman with confidence. It’s not about compensating for something you’re convinced you don’t have, it’s about realizing that depth of penetration is only a tiny part of the puzzle.
Foreplay is a waste of time.
Despite most men having heard that this is a myth, many still insist on thrusting their banana loaf into a cold oven without preheating the damn thing beforehand.
Silly metaphors aside, the lack of attention paid to foreplay is a serious issue plaguing women’s sex lives everywhere. You should not even glance anywhere below her wast if you haven’t kissed her, touched her breasts, and built up her desire to the point where she’s ready to pull her hair out if she doesn’t get some genital attention NOW.
If it’s sexual selfishness that keeps you from paying the proper attention prior to getting down, consider how much better a woman feels when she’s properly lubricated for the occasion.
Rather than diving in, ease in and prolong the act for as long as possible. It will elevate her sexual appetite and yours, and make you both impossibly amped up for intercourse. It will also make her feel like you truly care about her pleasure and not just your own, which (we hope) is a major plus in your book.
Every woman’s body works the same.
Oftentimes it becomes abundantly clear that a man is touching a woman as if she’s his ex-girlfriend, expecting that every woman is wired the same way and wants the same things. In actuality, she’s entirely different from the woman you were with before her.
Put away all assumptions. Touch every woman as if she’s the first you’ve ever been with. Explore every inch of her while silently noting what gets a reaction. Ask her about what excites her. Get to know her fantasies, her kinks, and most importantly, her pet peeves. Approach every woman as a fresh, sexy, clean slate and you’ll both be satisfied.
Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.