Are you bad in bed? 5 signs you suck in the sack + how to get better

by Laura Tedesco

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No matter how many times you’ve gotten laid—or how confident you are in bed—there’s always that little niggling doubt: Do I actually suck between the sheets? 

“Men are driven by performance,” says Linda Banner, Ph.D., author of Advanced Sexual Techniques. “They measure their manhood by how many times they can make a woman orgasm—how good a lover they are.” In some cases, guys eschew that anxiety by focusing entirely on their own pleasure, while others become overly, almost obsessively, attentive.

Neither is a turn-on. “Egocentric guys end up leaving women hanging,” says Yvonne Fulbright, Ph.D., author of The Better Sex Guide to Extraordinary Lovemaking. “And the whole ‘I’m not worthy to be with you’ thing is almost like The 40-Year-Old Virgin.” So how do these sexual attitudes show up in the sack? Surprisingly, they can look pretty similar.

1. You ask, “Can you come?” with every new position.

You may genuinely care about her climax, but your partner probably only hears your ego talking—or assumes you’re unsure of your skills. “You’re trying to validate yourself that you’re doing a good job,” says Banner. “These questions—Can’t you come? When are you going to come?—guarantee it won’t happen.” Why? Because your girlfriend feels like she has to hit her peak in order to satisfy you. That makes it tough to focus on her own pleasure—and her climax requires concentration. A lot of it.

Do this instead: Focus on the pleasure you both are experiencing now, rather than fretting over whether she’s close to the finish line. “Say things like, ‘You feel so good’ or ‘I love this part of your body,’” says Banner. It’s okay to check in with her—but leave her orgasm out of it. Simply ask, “Does that feel good?” or “Do you like it this way?” Same outcome, but without the anxiety.

2. You push the back of her head when she goes down on you.

This is one case where your pleasure might be uncomfortable for her. Every woman’s gag reflex is different—and your partner knows her limits, which means she’ll take you deeper on her own if she can. “So many women can’t stand this,” says Fulbright. “It can feel like a sign of disrespect—that you’re drawing into your own sexual response, instead of seeing this as a shared experience.”

Do this instead: It’s okay to cup her head while she pleasures you—that can be sweet and make her feel less alone down there. But if you want a little Linda Lovelace-style action, you need to make a verbal request, as in, “Are you able to take me deeper?” Then at some point, touch her gently beneath the chin to prompt her to make eye contact, suggests Fulbright. That helps reassures her that this is, in fact, about connection—not just you getting off.

3. You apologize for coming too quickly.

Throw out a quick apology after a 30-second session, but don’t make a habit out of saying you’re sorry if you lasted 7 minutes, instead of, say, 15. “It’s okay to apologize on occasion, especially if she’s been left hanging,” says Fulbright. “But if it’s a regular part of processing sex, then it becomes lame.” Read: Your groveling may turn her off more than your shorter-than-average duration.

Do this instead: Keep the sex play going. “Your orgasm doesn’t mean the action is over,” says Fulbright. Shift your focus from your “failure” to her orgasm, and she’ll quickly forget that you didn’t break your P.R. Allowing for this kind of flexibility may actually enhance your sex life: “People end up being sexually intimate more often—and in different ways—when they don’t feel like it has to last for a certain amount of time, every time,” says Fulbright. “It’s more about sexual connection and enjoying each other.”

4. When she starts responding, you change positions.

The thinking: If she likes this, then she’ll reallylike this. Wrong. “If she’s saying, ‘It feels so good,’ just stay where you are—that’s not the time to change things up,” says Banner. You may think a crazy new move will help her race to climax, when really, it’s just going to delay it.

Do this instead: Don’t move until she gives you the signal, which could be verbal (“I’m too sensitive”) or physical (she moves your hand). Otherwise, stay put. Simple enough, right?

5. You lead with the Jackrabbit.

It feels awesome to you, but if your partner isn’t sufficiently lubed up, it’s the sexual equivalent of a brush burn. In other words, skipping straight to machine-gun thrusting is, at best, not very pleasurable—and at worst, totally painful to her. “The Jackrabbit indicates a lack of self-confidence,” says Fulbright. “It rushes the experience—it’s often the guys who’ve trained their bodies through masturbation to get off quickly, so they’re nervous about being with a real human being.”

Do this instead: Save your speed for the home stretch, when you’re just seconds from orgasm, or for quickies, when your partner is wet from the get-go. “Sometimes the occasion calls for the Jackrabbit—you’re hot and heavy, and the second you get behind a closed door, you go for it,” says Fulbright. “But it’s not pleasurable on a regular basis.”

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Read more in Men’s Health

 

Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.

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