Dear Minister of Information,

This should have been a friendlier piece, sir. I have been obsessing over communications ministers, press secretaries, Liaison officers and Information secretaries; basically the kind of people all over the world who do what you ought to be doing. It should have been a “who you should be following” piece. Something to make the quality of your job a little better. A little less spicey.

But then you went and spewed all that nonsense yesterday on Channels’ Politics Today. What do you mean “the Federal government cannot be accused of disobeying court orders with regards to the Shiite leader and the former National Security Adviser, Colonel Sambo Dasuki”? IT HAS. IT CAN. IT WILL BE UNTIL YOU RELEASE THEM. That’s me almost losing my calm just thinking about it.

Were you under the influence? Or did you somehow think we’d all be watching under the influence of stale marijuana? Speaking of which, can you hook us up with your supplier?

You did not disobey court orders? What even were you thinking?

Let me refresh your memory.

Ibrahim Elzakzaky has been in custody without trial for 17 months! 17 months without trial and his personal liberty has been denied him. Like how even does that happen in the real world we live today? And the Federal High Court has ordered he and his wife’s release for over 5 months now. Yet his wife wrote a compelling letter to President Buhari asking why they are still being held in custody a couple of months ago.

Can you explain where we misunderstood the events? Do you mean to tell us that the Federal Government’s refusal to obey an existing order to release Elzakzaky; an order that is yet to be vacated despite your late appeal is not disobedience of court order? Are you saying you can provide us with evidence that Mr Elzakzaky agreed to the limitation of his personal liberty by being held in your “protective custody”?

In all your years sir, as a principal lawyer at Edu and Mohammed, did you not come upon the understanding that the only thing that allows you to evade the execution of a court order is to ensure you get a Stay of Execution and not simply by filing an appeal against the order? Like what do even think we are? Stooges from ten centuries ago who have no idea what laws govern us?

But let’s assume we are all morons who take your ministration of misinformation at face value, the question then is why are you building a house for him as required by the same court order that you are trying appeal? Is that not the reason you haven’t released him? Because of your Appeal that was not dressed up and certainly has no where to go? Answer this: why then, as you claim, is the FG making moves to obey a part of it?

Like do you think we are all homo-lack-thoughts?

Speaking of the magnificent mansion you are building for Elzakzaky, you said no one wants to be his neighbour. Really sir, you went and asked any one of the thousands of IMN members in Kaduna (the same way you sought permission from your neighbours before you built the house you live in) and they refused?

Mr Mohammed please! Try another lai.

Before we move on to your nonsensical excuse about former NSA, Dasuki, here’s a quick clarification of what the court ordered in Elzakzaky’s matter: Release him and then compensate with an accommodation (anyone of the abandoned FG property in one of the 36 states will do) and N50 million for the violation of his rights.

Now to Dasuki. You say “every government will always tread this very thin line between personal liberty and national security. And I think you must give the government the credit to determine what is national security. In the case of Sambo Dasuki, the issue is a grave one”.

You have to pardon us if we cannot trust the FG to determine what national security is. It’s after all the same Federal Government that handles an Airforce clumsy enough to “mistakenly” drop a bomb on an IDP camp in Rann. Also the same FG in charge of an Army that has killed the same man no less than three times times – yet the man still manages to be live enough to capture towns in Maiduguri – the same towns under the occupation of the same Army.

Surely, you can pardon us for not trusting you to know what national security is.

To continue to swallow your alternative facts, we’ll need some of the premium stuff you must have been high on before that interview!