by Demola Rewaju

The major problem is a religious one – people don’t take marital vows as seriously as they should because they don’t take God seriously. If one would not violate the terms of a legal document stamped and signed by a judge or notary public, one shouldn’t violate a vow made in front of a crowd of witnesses.

I was not yet ten years old when I attended the very first wedding I remember. It was between a couple that were close to my parents and it held in Akure. I was the ringbearer, my elder brother was supposed to be something called ‘hostman’ and we’d joked about it a bit before we found out he wouldn’t be able to attend because he had to sit for the national common entrance into JSS1. I was excited to attend as I got all dressed up in what would be the first of a couple of suits I own. With a bowtie strapped to my young neck, I strolled in front of the couple into the church with a lovely girl (at least I imagine she was) by my side. Several years, many confrontations and two sons later, the wedding was over. The couple separated, never to live under one roof anymore.

Sigmund Freud would say that was where it started but I think my subconscious decision actually came much later. I lost interest in the church part of weddings – partly because they were boring and tended to go on too long if you grew up in the church I attended. Then an egbon who was dating a senior girl in the neighbourhood told me in a discussion one day that a couple who married in front of God’s altar made a mockery of the institution. He told me that the witnesses to the event (the congregation) had a responsibility to do all they could to preserve the union – an inverse of the ‘what God has joined together, let no man put asunder’ line, he reasoned that if you attend a wedding and witness the exchange of vows, you were obliged to tell the other partner if you saw a spouse cheating on them. This was an eye opener for me and I witnessed only few exchanges of vows since then. I made an exception for my younger sister…I think. I was among the groom’s train at a wedding in Falomo area of Lagos and watched the groom promise to be faithful and all that to his wife even though I knew how wild he had been the previous night at a Bachelor’s Eve. When he invited me to go clubbing with him some weeks after his wedding, I declined; no one wants to face the moral dilemma of being a witness to a vow and then watch one of the signatories violate its terms. The last time I travelled as a groom’s man to Kogi state, I got to the church later than the other men and stayed outside until they had said their vows.

Those vows can sometimes be scary, depending on which church you attend. A standard marital vow in church reads something like this:

“I, ___, take you, ___, to be my lawful wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, to love and to cherish, until death do us part. according to God’s holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge thee my faith/myself to you.”

The scary parts are obvious, the hard part is forever – till death do us part.

The major problem is a religious one – people don’t take marital vows as seriously as they should because they don’t take God seriously. If one would not violate the terms of a legal document stamped and signed by a judge or notary public, one shouldn’t violate a vow made in front of a crowd of witnesses.

Ironically, it is the ‘till death do us part’ that gives most marriage the strength to go all the way, through thick and thin. It’s easy (for some of us) to walk away from a relationship even after many years but with marriage, you’ve got to stick in there and work through any difficulties you may face. You see those rings people exchange when they say those words up there? Some have likened it to the smallest handcuff or chains if you like.

Marriage is a vow and the point must be made. A vow to be faithful to one another through all of life’s changing scenes. It may restrain you from so much else but there is also a good part: not only are you stuck with someone else but someone else is stuck with you too. You have an ally; a partner, a confidante, a comrade, a colleague, a friend. Someone you can trust to stay with you no matter what happens. Someone who can watch you throw up all over yourself and who will clean you up and still leave you, because they expect you can and will do the same for them. In whose presence you can fart and only get a playful spank because they know your decent sides as well. (and if you can’t fart in front of your spouse, can I suggest you’re in the wrong marriage?)

And the truth about it all is that nobody really knows, everyone just takes a chance. Marriage authority Gary Smalley once said that three people exchange vows on the wedding day: the man as he thinks he is, the man as the woman thinks he is, the man as he indeed is and the woman as she thinks she is, the woman as the man thinks she is and the woman as she indeed is. You never really know a person till you’ve been with them long enough at close quarters and even then, you still can’t be sure. So I guess we’re all blind to the future and the best one can hope for is to take the step when the times comes, say ‘I do’ and give it your best shot. I don’t think great marriages are made in heaven – they just require a great deal of commitment, truth and enough laughs to keep you going when things get cranky. [READ: MARRIED TO THE WRONG PERSON OR JUST NOT DOING ENOUGH?]

I have a wedding tomorrow but I’ll surely miss the marital vows part. Next weekend though, I will attend another wedding and I will attend from the beginning to the end. The difference is that there are some men who understand what it means to take a vow in front of God and His people. To such men, I doff my hat and hope to one day be like. With all these sentimental talk, maybe that day isn’t so far anymore…

Have a great weekend folks! It means a lot to me that you bother to read my blog: God bless you.

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Read this article on Demola’s Blog

 

Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.