In Nigeria, it’s garbage in, garbage out – and more, in today’s news round-up with Cheta Nwanze

by Cheta Nwanze

Yesterday, PWC informed us that Nigeria will be the 13th biggest economy on the planet by 2050. Where will I be by 2050? Ah, yes, by 2050, I will be preparing to become the head of the Nigerian Ports Authority.

To be honest, the Lance Armstrong shindig is the biggest story on the planet at the moment. The biggest lesson I can draw from watching his interview with Oprah Winfrey, is that when everyone is doing it, it ceases to become bad. That the world is so interested in Armstrong when there is carnage going on in Mali, places into context the value of human life.

Human life is worth about as much as the life of a chicken when the conditions are right, which is why the story of poor Umaru Abdulrahaman has passed almost unnoticed. You see, Umaru was not happy that the change given him was incorrect, and he tried to put that right by confronting the sugar-cane seller. A knife in the chest was his reward for his troubles, and only an act of God prevented angry youths in the area from displaying their lack of faith in the police by unleashing mayhem on the town.

Now, faith, is something that most Nigerians do not have in the police. Why only this week, a sitting Comrade Governor told us quite publicly that the professionalism of our police is somewhere below amateur level. Now we understand why. You see, for someone like me who was trained in Computing (right before I lost my way and became a writer), a maxim that has held true is garbage in, garbage out. I will no longer blame policemen in Nigeria for behaving like dog poo. Not after seeing the conditions under which they are raised! Disheartening to say the least, and now there is an explanation as to why we are still looking for who killed Dele Giwa.

Which does not leave much hope for the recovery of the N2.1 billions that walked out of the National Mint a couple of weeks ago. As things are though, it gives the Reps a chance to form yet another committee to look into something, receive a bit of sitting allowances, then produce a report that will not be looked at. While they are at it, another committee will be looking into the police’s failure to catch the killers of Comrade Governor’s secretary. Talk about “rubbish in, rubbish out”.

Sad fact is this, even before the recruits get to start learning in rubbish at the Police College, they are already rubbish. At least that’s what the NYSC’s top beret would have us believe. “This worrisome development has resulted in a situation whereby members of the public wrongly condemn the NYSC for the poor academic standard displayed by these corps members,” Brig-Gen. Okore-Affia whined with regards to the fact that a lot of his new intake seem to have a problem with books. Well, at least they can join the workforce and be made useful.

You see, a youthful workforce is one of the things that accountants Price Waterhouse Coopers is basing its assumptions on. Yesterday, PWC informed us that Nigeria will be the 13th biggest economy on the planet by 2050. Where will I be by 2050? Ah, yes, by 2050, I will be preparing to become the head of the Nigerian Ports Authority. But let’s get real for brief moment, why will PWC commission such a study so soon before we re-base our economy? Why will PWC not take into account the fact that by 2050, we would have the 5th largest population on the planet, ergo, our population is growing faster than our economy. And why will PWC not take into account the fact that based on all the indicators we have studied together over the last few months, our youthful population is sadly a population of youthful illiterates? I demand an investigation into the PWC report.

An investigation into the whereabouts of erstwhile Don, Wale Babalakin has been avoided. Bros turned up in court yesterday to stand before a judge. His appearance surprised many who thought he had gone to the nearest hospital for convalescence, and his lawyer promptly asked that he be granted bail on self recognition. The request was granted. Now there’s a good example…

Bits and bobs

The number one fila in Lagos (oops! He is number two) has come out with the outrageous claim that of all the states in Nigeria, only this traffic infested cesspool can survive without oil. “If they shut down on oil, this is the only state that can survive. Everything that we have done in the past six years was funded by our taxes,” harrumphed Governor Fashola as Shell, Chevron, Mobil, Total and Schlumberger contemplated the benefits of relocating their Lagos offices to Port Harcourt.

The Air Force has sent an F7 and an Alpha jet to bomb the crap out of Islamist insurgents in Mali. Makes sense since the maximum combat range for both aircraft is 610km, and the distance from Makurdi to Bamako is 1890km. For those of you who like trivia, Nigeria has 12 F7s and 24 Alphas.

I have been accused of not being patriotic (hello Layi!) because I always give a lot of stick to Papa Eagles. Well here’s my analysis for Africa Is A Country. It was written without the aid of vodka.



Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.

One comment

  1. Who says you're not patriotic? Does that word exist in Nigeria? You're the best and very funny. Thanks


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