Elnathan John: How to write an Independence Day speech

by Elnathan John

Nigerians won’t appreciate this because they are mostly wicked and jealous of your boss. God will look into their matter and judge each of them appropriately.

Ungrateful. That is what Nigerians are. You know this more than anyone in the country. You have had to bear the barrage of insults against your boss the President. But you loyally keep writing his speeches. Even though you are exhausted from writing the UN General Assembly speech, which you are grateful 10 people were on hand to listen to, you will cast out the spirit of sleep and of exhaustion, and write the speech for Independence Day. Nigerians won’t appreciate this because they are mostly wicked and jealous of your boss. God will look into their matter and judge each of them appropriately.

Because Nigerians are forgetful, spend a lot of time on history about Union Jacks and Green white green flags, just in case anyone thinks the history has changed. At least the first seven or eight paragraphs. Spending all this time serves one important purpose. It separates the chaff from the wheat. By the chaff I mean those unpatriotic channel surfers with a remote control in their hands- wicked people who only want to see our dear President fail. They will get tired after the sixth paragraph and change the channel. This leaves you with the wheat- kind, godly people who love Nigeria and its god-sent President.

Assure Nigerians that although they can’t see it Nigeria is indeed making progress. You need not be scared in writing this. The chaff who would have objected are by now watching Africa Magic or some bootleg DVD. The wheat will nod their heads even if they have had to queue for fuel all weekend. They will agree even if they are watching the broadcast using a generator. God bless the wheat and their hustle.

Use phrases that we relate to. Nigerians, especially the wheat, love them. “We have put in place structures”. “We remain focused”. “Let me reiterate”. “Let me assure”. However, you must begin with the all important phrase: “Transformation Agenda”. This is the most important phrase in the book. Nothing happens without it. It is because of it that we live and breathe. The transformation agenda is why men are fertile and why women have babies. At the mention of it every well meaning Nigerian should lift up their voice in praise.

To deal with the issue of flooding there is no need to treat it like something of national importance. Be brief about it. Say nothing about how Cameroon gave us notice about their dam bursting into Nigeria and all. Give no facts or details. Who needs those? Say that an Interim report has been received about the flooding and the government has taken measures to deal with it. Another lovely phrase: ‘taken measures’. It says everything. Patriotic Nigerians can read between the lines to know exactly what you are doing about the floods. Remember though to add that the President is sad. Say that he shares in their grief even though he chose to speak to a crowd of ten in New York while this was happening. And by the way those evil people who say nobody sat to listen to our Presidents speech in New York should have seen the Kenyan President. Even his aides went out for a smoke during his speech. But you will not write this.

Write that in the war on corruption we are winning. Quote Transparency International (God bless them). Because we ARE winning. Even if all the cases against powerful corrupt people have gone quiet. Even if some misguided enemies of this administration claim that the First Lady, God heal her, isn’t quite on the same page with the administration on this. And oh don’t mention anything about where or how she is, even though I know you will like Nigerians to include her in their prayers. You know we are a righteous, praying nation and if only your boss would let you include this, you would have asked Nigerians to join Mr. President in praying for her quick recovery, for the prayers of the righteous man works miracles. You will say a silent prayer and leave it at that. God will heal her and bless her hustle.

Tell Nigerians to be patient. Tell them that by this time next year all will be well. Not this year. Next year.

Please, say nothing about the aviation crises. Or the fuel crises. These things are luxuries. Afterall in other African countries, they still struggle with feeding their citizens. We don’t have that problem here. In fact left to you, Nigerians should sit in one place and pray for this nation instead of constantly flying and being on the road.

Most importantly commit Nigeria into the hands of God. Because only God can bless our hustle.

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Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.

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One comment

  1. This wins..sarcasm at its finest.

cool good eh love2 cute confused notgood numb disgusting fail