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March 30, 2013

Femke becomes Funke: The last one

by Femke van Zeijl To the readers of this column, first and foremost, I dedicate this piece. To the ones who granted me the privilege of shining a light on their…

March 20, 2013

Femke becomes Funke: Celebrating mediocrity

by Femke van Zeijl Nigeria is the opposite of a meritocracy: you do not earn by achieving. You get to be who and where you are by knowing the right…

March 15, 2013

Femke becomes Funke: The big question on everyone’s mind

by Femke van Zeijl Some of my single Nigerian girlfriends seem obsessed with matrimony. With every new boyfriend, with every date, the main question on their minds is ‘marriage material…

March 9, 2013

Femke becomes Funke: Playing the card of culture

by Femke van Zeijl 'My darling', she replies, sipping her Smirnoff Ice, making the ice cubes in her glass tinkle. 'Women don't drink beer. It's not our culture.' She was…

February 23, 2013

Femke becomes Funke: The Eagles and the beast

by Femke van Zeijl Good journalism should strike a balance... I do believe the news in the West about Nigeria tends to have very limited perspectives: if it is not…

January 30, 2013

Femke becomes Funke: My moinmoin with amala episode

Though I was not the only one having piping hot amala in the local Ebute Metta joint, I did not have to look up from my plate to know the…

January 22, 2013

Femke becomes Funke: Not a common cold

by Femke van Zeijl I long for the moment when I have finally toughened up and gotten used to pure water, malaria and eating fresh salads outdoors (another oyinbo no…

January 9, 2013

Femke becomes Funke: Oyinbo’s dictionary to Nigerian English (Part 2)

by Femke van Zeijl Amebos idle their time away doing nothing but gossiping maliciously about other people. Often of the female gender, amebos are most commonly found among clients in…

December 31, 2012

Femke becomes Funke: A Wazobia dinner table

by Femke van Zeijl Maybe it is the STARs that keep coming, or P-Square's music we all dance to, or my need to believe in a future for this country some…

December 12, 2012

Femke becomes Funke: Voluntary curfew

by Femke van Zeijl My voluntary curfew makes me realise I respond the Nigerian way: by adjusting. Knowing my rage against the institutionalised lawlessness, impunity and inequality that provides the…

December 4, 2012

Femke becomes Funke: Iya Funke was here

by Femke van Zeijl My landlady is beating the talking drum clasped under her left arm. When she sings her voice sounds half her age – the Yoruba lady is…

November 7, 2012

Femke becomes Funke: The right to call a place home

I did not know the word 'indigenes' - spelled this way I mean - before I came to Nigeria. But since then I have come to grasp its meaning, and…

October 18, 2012

Femke becomes Funke: Floods do not discriminate

Yes. Leadership has failed. But pointing upwards is the laziest way of explaining what is wrong with Nigeria. I hated the piece I wrote last week. Don't get me wrong,…

October 10, 2012

Femke becomes Funke: #Aluu4 and the danger of fending for yourself

Often I have quoted the self-reliance and resilience of Nigerians as a positive trait. They fend for themselves. I called this attitude creativity and sold it as a strong suit.…

September 26, 2012

Femke becomes Funke: Open letter to Nigerian law enforcement officers, big and small

Dear law enforcing officers of Nigeria, I know nobody likes you. That is a terrible thing to live with. I know you are underpaid and bullied by your seniors. But…

September 20, 2012

Femke becomes Funke: ‘That’s not a discount, that’s an insult’

I drive a hard bargain, not just for budget's sake but also because I feel it is my obligation towards other oyinbos to do so. If we do not get…

July 9, 2012

Femke becomes Funke: My drawer of self-deception

Nigeria is not the only place where false alarms and innuendo can cause quite a stir. As we walk by the chestnut trees of the Amsterdam Sarphati Park, two policemen…

June 18, 2012

Femke becomes Funke: No people deserve dog food- (whatever your expectations of the kitchen)

As a journalist you have to find a balance between caring too much and becoming numb. My biggest fear is to become cynical. 'Dog food!' he shouted over the mostly…

June 11, 2012

Femke becomes Funke: Guilt and privilege – the true privilege is being able to say no

Guilt and privilege seem to go hand in hand, at least if you have any moral fibre in your body. Feeling guilty about something you cannot do anything about however…

May 21, 2012

Femke becomes Funke: ‘Idiot oyinbo woman’

I will have to get used to reading between the lines and to accept that what Western shrinks might have stamped 'passive aggressive', in the African context simply is polite…

May 14, 2012

Femke becomes Funke: As good as your gadget

The editing room of the Lagos based TV station was as loud as Ojuelegba under the bridge on a Friday afternoon. Market was down in the whole of…

Oluwapelumi May 9, 2012

Femke van Zeijl: A Journalist’s checklist in times of terror

Do not publish about bomb scares. We do not publish about false fire alarms or almost accidents either. I have been criticised on Twitter about not saying much on Boko Haram. I…

April 14, 2012

Femke becomes Funke: White sexual commodity

Being a woman in Nigeria means a large percentage of the time you are seen as a sexual commodity. Add to that being white, no matter how you look, and…

April 4, 2012

Femke becomes Funke: “I became angry the Lagosian way – skin deep!”

by Femke van Zeijl All of a sudden I see it too. The cramped expressions on faces, the throbbing veins in people's necks, the eyes spewing fire over nothing. From the…

March 30, 2012

Femke becomes Funke: Beer in the morning? I would not dream of refusing

by Femke van Zeijl I enjoy being known. Migrating to another country is so fundamental a change, not because you have to get to know a new world.…

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