Thought Experiment : The only armed robber bold enough to write you in his name

Dear Resident,

Of course I have no time for pleasantries. I don’t care whether you are well or not. I take that back. I need you to be well. Not necessarily in terms of health. I need you to be well to do. Actually, I know you are. If you weren’t, I’d be out of business. Which leads me to the business of writing this letter to you.

I hope you are seated – because as I said, I need you to be well. My name is Mufasa (yeah I know). You should remember that because when I come knocking o your door sometime before the new year, I won’t be repeating myself.

I really shouldn’t be writing you but I now find it necessary because of these noisome creatures with whom I unfortunately share national career space. They have been nattering around with their anonymously written letters informing you of their demands for the season. I tell you it’s all rubbish. Not that they might not visit – oh they will. It’s just that I find their demands silly. Childish, even sometimes selfish.

Take for example, those One hundred boys or whatever they are called trying to terrify the people of Ojo and Badagry all because some of them had been arrested. Childish! It’s occupational hazard. I wonder why they don’t understand that. You count your losses and move on. You understand this don’t you? I know because I remember when your colleague at that factory lost his arm in that machine and sued for compensation for life, you were one of the people who were bold enough to call him out. Seeking compensation. Tcheew. Did he not know what he signed up for? I was happy you shared my view. In fact, the only thing that made me happier that year was knocking on his door to take back the cash after he’d been paid. He certainly didn’t deserve it. Yeah! that was me! The lazy man thought he’d been set up for life.

Yesterday, I read with disdain that some of these fools had written again. This time demanding christmas dues. I mean I understood when last year the people of Onimaba in Ikotun got their own letters from my colleagues asking for festive dues and warning them that only enough money could save them. That was last year. there was an overflow of cash in the country. It was when sleazy politicians scurried to rid themselves of any evidence of corruption because Sai Baba had just won. Even labourers were rich last Christmas, I tell you. In fact, my research showed that labourers were the guys to rob last year – and building contractors. These politicians are so not creative. They all started building/renovating houses around town.

Anyway, I was saying how last year it made sense to demand festive dues. There was no recession yet. People had cash lying around. It has always been that way. In fact, before now, I used to save all my energy for festive robbery. It was profitable.

But the moment Baba started to show his incompetence and this whole exchange rate crisis began, I fixed up. I knew better than to wait till any festive season -especially not this Christmas.

I have been saving up my energies carrying out proper recon. I know the doors I’ll be knocking on – it’s all soft work this year by the way. I just need some more money in my savings -Yes, I am saving. You can already guess your door will be one of those I’ll be knocking on. I have watched you closely enough to know that rather than contact the police, you are already calculating how much to wire out of your numerous accounts and where. LOL. You must think I’m here to play.

Anyway, before I tell you why you are on my to-do list, I really should tell you about myself.

You know now my name is Mufasa. For real. My parents have always had the loose bolts, I tell you. They thought they were being cool. But that’s not relevant. As you can already tell from my proper construction of the language (if I say so myself – have a little sense of humour please), I am not one of the “suspected criminals” inhabiting the surrounds the slums that surround Joseph Harrison Estate in Yaba. I don’t even live on the mainland – I have had too much of a successful career for that.

I started out with a white collar job you know. Something my parents fixed up for me. But I got tired. Spent sometime travelling, trying to figure out what my calling was. Then Sani Abacha happened to me. I learnt of how much he alone managed to siphon. Dude! That’s when it hit me. I just want to be rich. How else than to rob you.

And of course you made yourself the best target. You are Nigerian after all. And do not even try to play righteous. You are no better than me. We both know how much you’ve made this year and not from your day job. Day jobs no longer pay. LOL, Literally. I knew you’d say that by the way.

So you know I know. How much you have made from MMM alone. All I want is that stash under your bed you have been too afraid to go deposit at the bank. You crook. Too scared to have to pay taxes. Well, won’t you now? I’ll be wearing an FIRS shirt when I knock on your door.

By the way, for the sake of full disclosure, I am also knocking down your neighbour’s door. Four blocks away. Let me tell you, he’s one of the few Yahoo boys left. Techpreneur my foot. Well of course. He’s sha into tech. Only his own seed funding comes from the magas paying to bring Mr. Bakare back to earth from the space.

All this long talk. I’ll save it for when I’m at yours later.

Just don’t make any silly moves. No need to make me summon the ‘armed’ on my resume.

I’m just trying to save up for my 2019 campaign. Of course I’m running for office. How long before even smart guys like you get broke and all you Nigerians put armed robbers out of business.

And we both know only politics pays better than armed robbery.

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