Prepare to laugh out loud at the sheer outlandish nature of Eketi’s bridesmaid horror stories. Don’t just laugh, listen and learn lessons from her experience so that when next a bridesmaid request comes through, you’re not blindsided.
Like our parents say,to be forewarned is to be forearmed.
Enjoy:
Why I won't be a #bridesmaid ever again.
A thread ?@Alvinattor @anafricandiva @Iamplumpy @ememesi
— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
1. I used to be a professional #bridesmaid.
See that movie, 27 Dresses? That girl's got nothing on me. Mine was more than 27.
— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
— Your favorite Veterinarian (@jaybrizzy) November 11, 2017
2. #NigerianBridesmaid starter pack before the days of #Bellanaijaweddings was:
A. Be fine or somehow fine.
B. Be friends with the bride.
C. Be ready to wear 'to-match'— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
3. Then Instagram and wedding blogs happened and the thing went into the stratosphere.
— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
4. Today's Nigerian bridesmaid starter pack:
A. Be pretty.
B. Be slim/meet the bride's specs
C. No need to be friends with the bride. You can be hired.
D. Can afford very expensive lace wig.
E. Be single and come ready to slay.— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
5. Anyway, I started my bridesmaid career at the young age of 14.
From the start, I learnt that weddings are always full of drama.
— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
6. Let me gist you about the ones that made me swear off being a bridesmaid.
— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
7. Wedding 1:
I travelled to Owerri for the wedding & discovered that the bride had arranged for just one room for 8 bridesmaids in a rundown hotel.8 girls. 1 room. pic.twitter.com/SLoNe4WFEy
— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
8. The room was filthy. Dust on the floor so thick, it stuck to one's feet. There were two used condoms on the floor.
The bed had old, stained bedsheets.— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
11. We got to church late. The priest said we needed to cover our shoulders, else we wouldn't be let into the church.
I became de facto chief bridesmaid, bought and shared shawls. Shoulders covered.
— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
12. The priest said the bride's cleavage was too obvious. The girl was already 7 months along. We loosened the dress. Still…
Had to tear her veil and use it to cover the cleavage.
— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
I didn't even enjoy the ceremony because I was running upandan.
— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
14. At the reception, the groom's people were hoarding food, while guests were starving. I went to discreetly get a cooler of rice for the elderly.
— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
16. Wedding 2:
Bride said her wedding was going to be shown in the Ovation Magazine. That asoebi was 40k each and we had to buy two different fabrics and gelés.
— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
17. I looked at my pocket. My bank account balance was laughing like a hyena. I told her I wouldn't be able to buy. That I'd go to the wedding in my own clothes.
"Okay," she said with a sulk.
— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
18. Wedding day came. I travelled to the town.
Madam bride saw me at church and gave me the gelé and ipele.
"Wear it, so you can feel among," she said.
I was surprised, said thank you and helped serve food and drinks to guests.
— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
19. After the wedding, we returned to the hotel. The bride came to me and said, "Please do you have my money? I need to pay for some drinks."
Huh?
"Which money?" I asked.
— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
20. "The money for the gelé and ipele that you collected," she replied. pic.twitter.com/Rwv5JAw32M
— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
To show for ovation no be free and between recession dey area ??
— Bolaji (@bolsaid) November 10, 2017
21. "I didn't know I were supposed to pay for it. I didn't ask for it. You were the one who gave it to me."
Madam vexed!
Started shouting about how she tried to help me, so I wouldn't feel left out. Now I was repaying her good with evil.— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
Was she deaf when you said you couldn't afford it??
— Brown Sugar??? (@yettyclassy) November 11, 2017
22. By the time she was done, everyone was giving me the evil eye. I didn't even know what to say.
I just left.
— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
23. Wedding 3:
I learned a valuable lesson here. One that I didn't apply fast enough, because I had to learn it again and again.
This wedding is the reason I never pack money that's sprayed on the bride and groom.
— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
At this wedding, the bride asked me to pick the sprayed money.
I was in the middle of doing my duty, when the groom's brother showed up on the dance floor.
— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
25. First, he snatched the bag of money from me.
Then he began to yell.
"Who are you? Who told you to pack this money? Thief! Look at this hungry thing! GET OUT OF HERE!!!"
— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
26. I was stunned!
I I went to the bride, the one who gave me the power and authority ? She was dancing with her new husband.
"Babe, your brother in-law just embarrassed me. Didn't you tell them I'll be packing the money?"
— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
27. She had this expression of irritation on her face.
"You, leave the money nah! Must you pack it? Or are you trying to cause trouble between my in-laws and I? Leave the money….it's not by force that you must pack it."
— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
28. Ah! Na me be dis?
Just look at my life in the outside. pic.twitter.com/DNU3CDFA7r— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
In the outside of the "worldwide ? "
— Bolaji (@bolsaid) November 10, 2017
29. I jeje jeje mi walked away. Straight to the hotel and out of the town.
Never spoke to her again.
— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
I did o. Plenty sef.
— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
30. Wedding 4:
You would think that I'd learned my lesson from wedding 3. But no. Friendship was still worrying me.Another friend asked me to pick up the cash sprayed at her wedding. @menoword
— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
32. I told her the gist of what happened at Wedding 3.
"Don't worry," she said. "I've informed everyone. It's just you and Esther that will pack my money."
— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
33. To be doubly sure, I asked her husband. He confirmed that he was aware of the arrangement. He even announced it to the other bridesmaids and groomsmen.
We were set for dancing time.
— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
34. The dance began. Esther, who was a fellow bridesmaid, and I went to work. Pack. Pack. Pack.
— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
35. Then, ghen ghen.
From nowhere, this girl stepped out and asked Esther to hand over the bag of money she was holding.
"No way," said Esther. "Who are you?"
— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
36. I too was wondering who she was.
"Are you mad?" the girl snapped. "Come on, give me that bag!"
I was like: pic.twitter.com/RKs42L4zGA
— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
37. The bride and groom were still dancing o.
Next thing I heard was….
Kpaaaaai!
The girl had slapped Esther.
Jesu !
— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
38. Before I could process that, I heard another…
Kpaaaai!
Esther returned the slap!
Took the girl two seconds to realise it. Then she lunged for Esther.
— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
39. I stood in the corner like: pic.twitter.com/nvutdKsTGv
— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
40. Full drag out, slap-me-I-slap-you fight began right there on the dance floor.
A few groomsmen rushed to the floor and separated the two women. Esther was still hanging on to the bag of money.
— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
41. The moment they were torn apart, the other girl, who by now had been identified as the groom's sister, made a beeline for me.
— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
42. One minute I was obzarving auntie two fighting, the next moment, she was in front of me, heavily.
"Give me that money," she yelled.
— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
43. I forgot that my name wasn't Esther. I decided to stand my ground.
"I'm not giving you jack!" I retorted. "Who the heck are you to come barging int……"
Kpaaaa!
— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
44. I received my own slap shaperly.
I tell you, in that moment, I understood why Nollywood actors ask the question they do.
Because I honestly wanted to say, "You slapped me?"
— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
45. And I'm sure her response would have been, "Yes! And I will slap you a thousand time à more if you don't hand over that money."
?
— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
46. By this time, the couple had stopped dancing, and were asking what was going on. The guests were gaping.
In my shock, my grip on the money bag had slackened. Auntie Groom's Sister snatched the bag from my weak fingers.
— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
47. I know some of you are thinking I should've slapped back.
My people, two persons no dey craze at the same time. Besides, I was so mortified on behalf of the couple.
I walked off into the sunset.
Actually, I went to the buffet, got a plate of Jollof rice and consoled myself— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
48. I wish I could talk about Wedding 5, where the bride's brother locked me in a room, so we could "have some private time."
Or about Wedding 6, where the bride changed her mind at the doors of the church.
— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
49. I wish I had time to gist about Wedding 7, where the bride's boyfriend showed up at church and said there was no way she was going to marry another man with his baby in her womb.
— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
50. Or is it Wedding 8, where the father of the bride was drunk to the hilt and passed out during the taking of pictures?
I wish I could tell you more. But my battery is at 2 percent & I'm no longer a bridesmaid ?
Hope you enjoyed this. Like and RT.
— Eketi (@eketiette) November 10, 2017
Wawu.
Reformed social media monitoring spirit
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