The Nigerian Government this morning announced that it was now “very close” to discovering the elusive “GAWD! Particle.” In an exclusive chat with this reporter Presidential spokesperson Rubu Bati said that this discovery “would be the most significant government achievement ever” in the history of Nigeria.
According to Dr. Bati ‘G-A-W-D’ stands for the four fundamental elements of transformation – Goodluck, Allocation, Weather and Derivation. “Those four are the developmental-equivalent of the four Classical Elements: Earth, Water, Air, and Fire. The GAWD Particle combines these elements into one entity thus allowing the government to instantly roll out create the perfect template for the instantaneous transformation of Nigeria.”
He added that the weather is especially critical – as everything from power generation to birth rates are tied to it. “With the GAWD! Particle we can manipulate the weather, to avoid the current situation where a perennial and irresponsible ‘weather-for-two’ scenario is threatening to explode the population of the country, in defiance of Dr. President’s admonition that Nigerians should stop breeding like rabbits.”
Dr. Bati also said that the proliferation of presidential committees over the last two years was actually part of the government’s covert strategy for fast-tracking the detection of the GAWD! Particle.
“Do not forget that Dr. President is a trained and accomplished scientist. Unlike me his PhD came from his exploits in a real laboratory. By rapidly increasing the number of committees in the machinery of government over the last two years he was generating the level of quantum excitation required for the isolation of the Particle, which definitely holds the key to the overnight transformation of the country. Now we have isolated a particle whose properties are consistent with the GAWD Particle, and are confident that further tests will confirm that we have finally come to the end of what has been a long and intensive search for an elusive but game-changing Particle.”
The particle has long eluded successive Nigerian governments. In 1996 it was rumoured that then Head of State Sonny Basha gave orders to his North Korea-trained Strike Force to track down and eliminate the Particle. As part of the controversial VAMED Equipment project former President Obesandjo was reported to have ordered the importation of billions of dollars worth of second-hand Particle Accelerators for the top-secret laboratory established for the discovery of the Particle. Mr. Obesandjo’s third term agenda, it is believed, was driven largely by his obsessive quest for that article.
“With a GAWD! Particle in place the President can safely retire to his town-boat in Otuoke and rule the country from there, without any hitches,” said Dr. Bati. “Nigerians will come to beg him to lead them again and again in 2015.”
In the event that the particle refused to give itself up for discovery Dr. Bati said that military action could not be ruled out. “We will leave no stone unturned to ensure that this particle does not disgrace us. This is not Boko Haram we’re talking about.” However, he added, military action was a “matter of last resort. The President is seriously considering offering an amnesty offer for the elusive Particle.
He promised that the President would address the nation in the coming days, to announce the “unprecedented feat”, as well as to set up a Committee to decide on the most appropriate name for the Particle. He also denounced as “malicious” rumours that the Particle would be named the “Peshe-Pishaun Particle”, after the First Lady.
“That is the work of rumour-mongers and mischief makers,” he said. “As you know by now Dr. President doesn’t give a damn about what say. He is too committed to the transformation of the transformation agenda to waste his time listening to rascally professional election losers and ‘pseudomoluabi’ elements.”
Contacted for comments, Mr Lai Mwah-Medu, spokesman for the opposition, dismissed the news, saying that the announcement by Dr. Bati is further evidence of the “overwhelming delusion” in the Presidency. “The zoologist in Aso Rock and his inmates have carried last as they always do, and finally stumbled on the open-secret that is the ‘Oh-God! Particle’. What these overfed jokers are mistaking for the GAWD! Particle is the ‘Oh-God! Particle’ that ordinary Nigerians discovered – without scientific assistance – as far back as January, which they immediately renamed the ‘Enuf = Enuf Particle’, and which acted as the primary anti-catalyst and reducing agent on the oppressive anti-subsidy machinations of the ruling party,” Mwah-Medu said. “We will wait for the jokers in 2015, God willing!”