Why I do not want to get married

Wedding Ring

Marriage scares the shit out of me and I am certain I am not the only one who feels this way.

After all the excitement and emotion that usually follows a proposal, and the atrociously expensive ring has been eyed and sighed over by many, finally dissipates and the woman is ready to walk down the aisle, does she stop for a second to think about how much of her freedom she is about to give away? I mean a husband will be in your personal space for the rest of your life; you will wake up to the same face every single day until you die, or if you decide to break your vows, get divorced.

The thought of another human  in my space for an interminable amount of time scares me, and I think, nay, I know I have every right to be scared. I don’t want to get married (gasp) but before you bring out your pitch forks, tires and fuel to burn me, allow me to share some of my reasons.

I am an introvert, but I am the complicated type of introvert.

I enjoy my alone time immensely; however, with the right type of company, entertainment and wine, I can enjoy being outside, away from the comfort of my bed, books and laptop. While I’m out, I can only manage a room full of people for a maximum of two hours – any longer and I consider gouging my eyes out. I have a mild case of social anxiety. One time, my friend flew into New York and invited me to a catch up session in Manhattan. I got dressed, piled on the makeup and left the warmth of my bedroom. On arriving at the train station, I bought my ticket, looked at it and suddenly felt very anxious. I called her, canceled and went back to my apartment. I can’t explain how I feel when I think about being in a room full of people, but the feeling is strong enough to keep me indoors.

I have no problem being around people, because, let’s be honest, people are great, but people also lack social cues and ask far too many personal questions.

People are loud, condescending, intrusive, abrasive, aggressive and mannerless.. If I could go to a get-together with a book and find a quiet place to sit and ignore people, I would, but I will be labeled rude and antisocial so I must grit my teeth and suffer through bland conversations and insipid jokes. The punchline here is that while I can escape an infuriating house party with practiced ease,  I cannot escape a marriage – at least not according the vows I will someday read in front of a priest, and hopefully, a hundred or so guests. I can pull the infamous Irish Goodbye in a crowded apartment, but I can’t do the same in my marital home.

My husband will be there in the morning before we leave for work and at night when we both return. If I wasn’t in the mood for a conversation, I can’t quietly slip away from our bedroom to another part of the house without giving him a reason, without explaining that 9 out of 10 times, I prefer silence over verbosity.  I like comfortable silences. I enjoy comfortable silences. Can comfortable silences exist in a marriage? What if my husband wants to spend 30 minutes telling me about his work day and I can no longer sit through the drone of his voice? I can’t roll my eyes and walk away. I have to sit, I have to listen and I have to respond. Saying yes to a man’s proposal means I will no longer have the right to think, act and behave like a single woman.

The permanence of marriage frightens me.

After the vows have been read and the wedding guests have been cleared out, it will just be me and my husband. It will just be me and the man I spent time getting to know, love and agree to spend the rest of my life with. The finality of it all pushes me further and further away from wanting to get married.

In a case of infidelity, which happens in a lot more marriages than we care to admit, spouses are expected to work through it. The pressure on women to forgive their cheating husbands keeps mounting. In our more traditional culture, young Nigerian women are constantly reminded that their mothers and grandmothers stayed with their husbands even after finding out about all their affairs, numerous mistresses and children.

As a Christian woman, I imagine I will be under more pressure to forgive and work through my husband’s infidelity. If God forgave me for my countless sins, surely I should not only be able to forgive my husband for sticking it to another woman for a good part of our marriage, I must also stay with him.

Except not really. That makes zero sense to me. Forgiveness shouldn’t always equal reconciliation. I can forgive him but I should also have the option to leave.

When it comes to infidelity, physical, emotional and mental abuse, I am a staunch supporter of packing up my load and leaving the marriage without looking back. Divorce may be frowned upon the in the general Christian community, but I think it is necessary for certain situations.

If my husband cheats, I will leave.

I can’t imagine how I could possibly work through such a calculated breach of loyalty. No one accidentally sleeps with another man or woman. And so because I know my husband made a decision to cheat on me, I have to make the bold decision to leave. It will be a hard, tasking, but completely necessary decision.

I love and value my freedom too much to be bound by the chains (yes, chains) of marriage. I want a long term partnership. I will live and function with a man the same way any woman would with her husband. I will love him tirelessly. He will not be my boyfriend or the guy I am “talking” to. He will be my partner, my man, my backbone and the head of our home. We may not walk down the aisle and do the traditional slipping of rings on fingers, but we will function as a couple regardless. I will go to the movies without needing to explain why I don’t want to take him along with me. I will travel alone and not feel bad about choosing not to book a couples retreat. I will have a separate room for the days I will need my own space. I will be able to leave said partnership if he betrays my trust.

I’m thankful that my parents aren’t pressuring me to settle into a nondescript relationship just so I can be married at a suitable age. I’m certain some aunties and uncles will be whispering and wondering why I am still single and ringless, but they can whisper until they collapse. I want to take my time and ensure I pick the right partner. I could end up with the right person 4 years from now or I could be 50 years old. The uncertainty of my future still looms; the only certain thing I know is I have no great desire to get married.


Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.

Comments (3)

  1. At first I read this article for entertainment value. I found it interesting that a Christian woman can easily be led by fear.As a single Christian woman, I
    yield to God, and understand why marriage is a Christ ordained institution.Marriage is a covenant. And if that is understood the waking up with the same person for life is unfortunately for some, the very purpose one would have gotten married.

  2. I share some of your sentiments, though I haven’t quite made up my mind. Honestly, marriage scares me. I don’t understand how people romanticize it like it’s so simple and easy, when we always hear married people talk about how hard it is.

    Especially with Nigerians where the wedding industry is raking in the dough, the pressure to be married is intense. But I have refused to be caught up in all that. It’s definitely not something to rush into.

    Anyway, you do you. Many women around the world don’t get married…either they remain single or they’re in a committed partnership, and from what I’ve seen those partnerships work just as well as marriages.

    Great piece!

  3. I say to each his own.
    You’ve got your life to live. I say – live it out max… to the fullest!
    Be happy – that’s all that counts.

    If you’ve got time, listen to “A Practical Arrangement” by Sting; i think it resonates with your piece on so many levels.

    Cheerio!

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