by Lara Kudayisi-Emeralds

Before making the decision to go on a date or be in a relationship with someone, always put your child first. Will this decision favour him/her? Will it hurt him/her?

A baby brings with it joy and excitement to the world to the parents and other loved ones. However at other times, it brings with it uncertainties and depression when it wasn’t planned for or expected. It alters different plans, ambition and purposes either of the parents have most especially the mother of that child. It makes such a parent want to rewind and wish so many times that this never happened. The regret of having unprotected sex and even being so careless to allow that baby grow unexpectedly is so much.

There are so many times you wished you lost the pregnancy; so many times you wished the ultrasound scan reveals the child is dead; after all, that most likely resets you to former state before baby; single! Who will marry a single parent? If you are a single father, it might be easier but for a single mother, you are labelled for life and might have difficulties in getting married to a single guy. You are viewed as wayward, one who has lost her way and has a child to show for it not knowing that if you were that wayward, you would be smart enough to prevent that baby from coming unexpectedly. This is my story; this is burden, my cross and my crusade. This changed my life forever and how I suffered and went through so much pain searching and longing for love in the wrong places and with the wrong people. Whew!! It wasn’t easy but I found happiness, I found joy and peace and I want to help someone do the same.

Rules for Single Parents                                 

1) Declare your assets: Do not go into a relationship with anyone without declaring your asset, which in this case is your child. This could cause a heartbreak and disappointment from the other person. Tell them from the start about your child, let them calculate if they can marry you or not. Not everyone can marry a single parent and please do not hate them for this. It’s a huge task and responsibility that not everyone can handle. I made this blunder a lot times thinking I wanted the guy to love me for me without any encumbrance then later, I could tell him the greatest secret of my life. Of course, this usually signals the end of that relationship and it left me wiser.

2) Love is not enough: This may be true for most relationships but this is a standard rule for a single parent. You can’t just fall in love like others; you have to calculate your cost more. Your relationship should go beyond love; find out if this person can tolerate your child and even be a parent for him/her. I am not saying you marry or date someone who you have no feelings for, but do not marry that person solely for love. Marry them when you can see a future which your child would be mostly comfortable.

3) Be slow to introduce your child: Though meeting your child can help solidify your relationship with your spouse especially when there is an affinity between both of them. However, it’s safer not to introduce your child officially to this person for the sanity of that child. Having introduced so many uncles and aunties to your baby, he/she might get disappointed if he has put his hopes and love around that person and then you break up. Please be sure that relationship is heading somewhere serious before you expose that child to the world.

4) Gun for total acceptance: Please make sure your spouse accepts that child totally. This could be hard but it’s in the best interest of your child. He/she never begged to come to this world, so do not make them suffer for your mistakes. Marry someone who will accept your child totally without segregating him/her from the other children you have together. If possible, let your child live with you because he/she needs a balanced home to grow up in not live with some old relatives or in a faraway boarding school. Also, know that no one can take care of your child like you can hence the need for him/her to live with you.

5) Always put your child first: Before making the decision to go on a date or be in a relationship with someone, always put your child first. Will this decision favour him/her? Will it hurt him/her? Especially when you eventually want to settle down with that someone, please consider your child in all of it. Will this person make a good mother or father for them?

6) Be a good role model: Be a good role model for your child in everything you do. I know being a parent happened to you unexpectedly and you still have to live your life, but please know that you are now the number one mentor for that child. You are mentoring him/her unconsciously in everything you do, so please choose wisely what you do in their presence and away from it. Make sure the person your spouse too will make a good role model for them.

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Lara Kudayisi-Emeralds is a seasoned Relationship Strategist who believes that life is about relationships, the rest is details. She is very passionate about the healthy relationships of young people and particularly, the unmarried.  As a victim of several heart-rending heartbreaks and neglect, with a child to show for it at an early age, she avidly believes that as a single man or woman, you don’t have to go through hurting relationships and awful treatments in search of true love.

At various speaking engagements and articles published daily on her blog www.shatteredglassng.com as well as other prints, she discusses her experiences in her search for true love as learning grounds for others who seek true love and happiness in their relationships, thereby teaching young men and women various steps and strategies to take or not to in their search. The results she hopes are young men and women who are happy being in growing relationships that lead to marriage and likewise staying happy and fulfilled in their marriages.

 

Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.