Ifreke Inyang [@ifreke]
[13th June – 18th June, 2011]
MONDAY: There was quite some excitement on Twitter this Monday. The previous day was Wizkid’s album launch and tweeters couldn’t stop talking about it.
@ivorymalinov however had a confession. She tweeted: “If I and @Ebuka had not met years ago, but last night, I would totally be in lust with him.” Though it was a different emotion for @sidibespoke at the show though. “Ol boy when Wizkid sang to his mum n prostrated for her on stage, tears full my eyes ehn, I no fit form hard man for that one. #GottaLoveMums,” he said.
Most tweeters didn’t have any cause to cry or vent today, because – somehow – GSM network services improved. Joining the many who could hardly believe it, @eagiddy prayed in her tweet, “Whatever these network service company’s swallowed today may it be stuck dere forever. I can hardly keep up with my service speed.”
TUESDAY: Her prayers must have answered because the speed was still fast. “Bet come ooo, did MTN upgrade dia service provider while I was away?” @Sal_VaDoR_ asked. “Dis super fast network is scary!” @DemiladeR couldn’t keep up with the new efficiency: “Ugh! Look here Mr. Timeline, I’m not saying you shouldn’t refresh..but don’t f**king carry my scroll bar to the top when you do. It irks.”
Some people had real problems. @irepunited’s anger was with her new generator. “I don’t know how u’ll buy gen and it’s not even up to a week, it is giving problems already! Msscheew!” Others like @PengBoiz had a little confusion: “But why did D’Prince unfollow everyone leaving just 111 which mostly consist of other celebs!? Ion get it really :/”
WEDNESDAY: @ufy_02 tried to follow her instincts. “I saw a guy’s shoe outside my neighbour’s room,” she said in her tweet. “I went in and d house smells of sex. I askd her if ders a guy, she says no but she won’t lemme check…” Still on that matter, @yoitsBeazy had an opinion: “Now me I don’t know about you o but personally, I can’t bring myself to have sex in the same hour that Dele Momodu crossed my mind. Lol!”
@DENRELE_EDUN was still receiving birthday messages from his fans. “Am stil gettn bufdy txts &msgz on Twitter. Make I kukuma do birthweek nw? Since I droppd 4rm d sky, hw cum I’m celebratin? ‘Im an alien #evil laff,” he tweeted. @toki81281 tweeted about the similarity between some text messages and broadcast messages. “ Is there anyone who likes or looks forward to those random sms from telecoms providers?” he asked. “Yeah right, that’s what BCs are like. Senseless!”
THURSDAY: @seyitaylor felt US Representative Anthony D. Weiner didn’t do the sensible thing by resigning: “I don’t think Weiner should have resigned for being a pant. But I do think he should resign because it had become a distraction.” @feline_eyes thought differently: “It is only in Nigeria that a man who is under attack for not doing his job, will not resign,” she fumed, about the bomb blast in the premised of the Police Headquarters. “If the IGP won’t resign, sack his frigging ass!” @bubusn confirmed the incident in his tweet: “NEMA confirms that it is indeed a BOMB BLAST. Location, Visitor’s parking lot. Some body parts scattered on the scene..” @wendiealimi wasn’t moved by the news. “Bomb or no bomb am sha goin to eat poundi at FCDA! Am brave like dat..” she tweeted.
FRIDAY: @efizynow found where he could eat as much as he wanted for a small amount. He announced in his tweet: “I just found dis place around Mandilas market island where u have akpu + quality bitter leaf soup + chicken wings all N200 #winning!” @segundemuren wasn’t having as much fun. “And a danfo hits the side of my car, side mirror gone, door dented… ‘Na my brake sir’… I can’t even shout!!! #LagosRain,” he tweeted. @Lakeside_ had advice for those in some parts of Lagos where the flood was heavy. “People in & around Lere should just invest in canoes, rafts,” he advised. “The Atlantic just moved to Surulere..” Well, JAMB didn’t move again, and tweeters joked with the trending topic #YouWriteJAMBsotey to show how bad it has gotten for prospective undergraduates. @slickbottles: #YouWriteJAMBsotey When you enter hall, invigilators dey sing “he has come again’”, @WhyHateTho: “#YouWriteJambSotey den show yu for NNKANBEE”, and one more for the road: @therealcfunk: “#YouWriteJAMBsotey ur name dey acknowledgement 4 brochure..”.
SATURDAY: @som1twisted was interested in those who were making a name for themselves through meaningless twitfights, so he declared: “When I av a twifight, it must trend worldwide. Half of twitter must enta my TL. What rubbish. If ur twifight won’t make u famous. Dnt do it!” @exschoolnerd was pissed at others who were bragging because they created a trending topic. “Ur mates r working on the next big thing after twitter…some people r here hitting their chest that they created TT.” @TheExtrovertKid didn’t seem to have a problem with it though. “The TT seems to be causing numerous fights already. And you wonder why I love Twitter. *grabs popcorn*” he tweeted. @omobobo was on to another kind of drama: “That’s how one geh lied about being at Elegushi on BBM.. I & @uchekuchey saw her at Newhall during traffic.. *sings* This Life Is beautiful..”
Gbagaun of the week: Have your pick!
@karwei_goay: Even my younger brother is also already has a girlfriend. Wtf?
@odinabarbie: I front cuz I know worth I worth….I’m not jus a bitch……yhu can caught fire like zakki….
@pascal245: I think Luclay wIll go because a lot of Africans are getting bore with his arrogancy.
@thisismaika: God forbid see how many old men and women are written JAMB
@jbruce09: @olakib65 there worst performance will nt be worst as #GROUPOFDEATH…abi?
@mitchyfills: It was be cool to hav a daughter ryt naw tho .
@ItzMinoli: I jst thinking of Nepa & they jst Bringing the Light 😀
@QJSparks Why does life have to be so depression?
@bob_alash: #somebodytellmewhy am stil not marry
@DrewBaba: I hv Breaking 1000note becos Of 10.
@osime8: @chiomylee I saw ur twitter in DONJAZZY so I said I should say hey
@_Gentlewoman_x: When I’m bored or can’t sleep, I just stalk around Facebook, there’s always something to entertaining me xD
@Life_IsTooShort: You know that feeling when you empty your bowels with easy and you actually feel empty? Its soo reliving. *puts on boxers and flushes W.C*
@Sencosonic: *sigh* nothing to tweeting…
@Swiz_dammie: Some peepz just nid 2 b shoot in the head…
@bigheartedtp: Damn my TL is so bored !!!
@amaka_ayy: Instead of saying The Grace I started joined Isedehi to sing Nwa Baby… X_x
@Omgee_Destinee: suppose to got my makeup but I forgot
@Lechid: Pls if u re nt follow bak kindly do dat pls
@Drdaisi: I think wen ur jobless u tend to hungrier than usual
@ FuturisticRetro: Can a woman sleep with lunatic man, to because rich, is it’s possible
@gdluckcharm: been cleaning this mansion of our for the whole day
@TheHorny_Of_Ife: @DrewBaba pls did 2face performed?
@deji11: Tonite……I shuttn twitter dwn..
@SunnyOfficialPG: I dislike a women who drink and smoke everyday…… #Retweet and follow me if you feel the same way.
Recommended: Follow @Adelajj, @BabseAketi & @forantix and ask for a follow back.
Rant of the week: @baybbootz: I hate it when people give out my pin without asking or telling me!!! I’d delete both d giver n d adder. *longest hissss*
Tweet of the week: @Sapphirechic: @kunlebello In my house o! The guy’s doing ‘shhhhh’ and the girl just dey moan dey go! I wish I knew which room so I can eye them tmrw!
Retweet of the week: @TweetOracle asked in his tweet: “Anambra state is bounded to the south by which state________ ?” @oluwaAKT retweeted and answered, “Southampton!”
SUBstance: @wunmiO: U think Oxford Uni is 2,500naira. Your wretched parents can’t afford it. Only if Lagos state sponsored u!
Seriously tweeting: @BabaOloriokoBB: I am really disappointed after I saw ur avatar. I mean u r dis fat? No wonder all ur avatar na only face we dey see..
Quote my tweet: @lumidizzle: Try to read AND understand my tweets b4 u come at me with some BS. Cos I will hand it back to u with no reservations.
Did you miss these tweets? @quaresmadxiii: @DONJAZZYMOHITS don jazzy we haf hia o. . . Famz if u wan famz and make we hia word!
@philip_pita: @DONJAZZYMOHITS..wot is wrong with u, won’t u follow back..I av bin beggin u since
@BabaOloriokoBB: Sup baby!
@BecksTurner: how u dey?
@OfficialKaphone: @DJBlakito Maynee make una stop to dey RT dis disrespectful becksturner abi harry porter babe for ma timeline maynee
@BecksTurner: @OfficialKaphone r u mad????
@OfficialKaphone: I’m not gon twitfight nobody…I’m nt gon let dt b a topic tmrw…See jaw be like Rambo own…Yu don pass Morocco enter UK…no be ur fault
@BecksTurner: @OfficialKaphone ur a prick coz u cnt at me yh. Ur mad! I have nofin to say to u u bald headed prick.
@OfficialKaphone: Rambo Jaw…..first time I followed shawty…. I looked at her jaw…I was like WTF Rambo’s a Girl
@BecksTurner: @OfficialKaphone take a look at ur life b4 u tlk about others bastard!
@OfficialKaphone: I’m not even @ anybody n she is replying me..nawa oo….sha don’t hit me wit your jaw shaa
@BecksTurner: @OfficialKaphone this is hw ino u dnt ave a life coz my tweets r disturbing u even after uve blocked me. C ur life smh I pity u
@OfficialKaphone: KK lemme stop…
@BecksTurner: no continue bitch. @OfficialKaphone ur not funny ur ‘jokes’ r dead u can never and will never b funny
@OfficialKaphone: nah hun..Niggaz got work in the Am….Take ur Jaw to Sleep
@BecksTurner: @OfficialKaphone talk about my jaw. Have u seen ur head?
@OfficialKaphone: Two Beds…One for her and One for her Jaw…..Joint gotta b on a diff bed…
@BecksTurner: @OfficialKaphone Banky W should bow to u coz meh ur head!!
@OfficialKaphone: Watch Shawty get deported… cos her jaw is too muscular
@BecksTurner: @OfficialKaphone shat up like u didn’t put my name in the tweet. Y is ur life like this?
@OfficialKaphone: Six packs on top Jaw
@BecksTurner: @OfficialKaphone I’m proud of my jaw. R u proud of ur head?
@OfficialKaphone: BGT—> British Gots Talent—. Strongest Jaw from an African Lady
@BecksTurner: @OfficialKaphone Ur boring. Ur life is shit
@OfficialKaphone: @OfficialKaphone: Jaw get Wireless…na dat Jaw her internet connection dey come from…
Foot Note: Many thanks to @PengBoiz, @Kemiiii and @AphasceaWorx for providing some of the tweets used in this roundup. You can also become a YNaija twi-rrespondent too. It’s quite easy. Get funny, witty and interesting tweets from your timelines and send it to me. See you next week!