by Nick Savoy
I get that “Can I buy you a drink?” isn’t quite the same as “I’ll pay you $10 to talk to me for the next 5 minutes,” but the difference is only a matter of degree. It will still turn most women off.
Put these six words together and you get the world’s most-used pick-up line. And probably the oldest one, too—our cavemen ancestors, not to mention apes, offered food and drink to females as part of a mating ritual.
Our biology might not have changed much since caveman days, but the dating world has. It’s time to retire that line, and learn the new rules of when it’s OK (and not OK) to buy a woman a drink.
1. You’re not James Bond
James Bond could get an instant date by walking up to a beautiful woman and offering to buy her a drink. You probably can’t. Don’t feel bad—it’s not because of your looks or lack of charm. Even one of the actors who plays James Bond wouldn’t be able to make this work if he was off set and no one recognized him.
Why? When you walk up to a woman and offer to buy her a drink, she’s not thinking about James Bond. She’s thinking about all of the loser guys who have approached her and offered to buy her drinks over the years. Attractive women who get hit on a lot don’t have time to get to know every man who approaches; they make associations and look for patterns. With many women, a line like this will get you blown out right away.
2. If you tell her she’s out of your league, she won’t disagree
Think about this for a second. If you hand her a drink, your very first interaction with this new woman is offering to buy her something. In exchange for this, she will talk to you for a few minutes.
What does that say to her about how you perceive your own value, relative to hers?
Like we talked about in another Men’s Fitness column, women will look to your behavior for cues about how good of a catch you are. For example, a man who is confident gives the impression that he has qualities to be confident about vs. a guy who stutters when he talks to her because he thinks she’s out of his league (she won’t disagree).
I get that “Can I buy you a drink?” isn’t quite the same as “I’ll pay you $10 to talk to me for the next 5 minutes,” but the difference is only a matter of degree. It will still turn most women off.
3. You’ll miss “prime time”
You’re just making things harder on yourself if you use this opening line. You can only use it if she doesn’t already have a drink. And, ideally, if she actually wants a drink. (If she’s attracted to you but doesn’t want a drink, she’ll just ask for a water or something, and that’s fine. But if she’s attracted to you already, you could just talk to her instead of starting with the drink offer).
Even if she does want a drink, now you’ve got to get one. You’ll be using the most critical time after just meeting her to fight through the crowd, wait in line, get the bartender’s attention, and order and pay for a drink. Using Love Systems, a woman should be attracted to you within five minutes. By starting with “Can I buy you a drink?” you’ll be lucky if you’ve exchanged first names before you elbow your way to the bar.
Opinion openers and direct game openers are proven to work. Stick to what works.
4. Go big or go home. Don’t go lame.
In Love Systems, the two most successful ways to approach a woman are fully direct (you go in openly hitting on her, guns blazing) or fully indirect (totally under the radar).
If you go direct, well, you might get blown out if she looks at you and doesn’t think she’ll be attracted to you. But if you pass that first “Am I interested?” stage, you’ll get massive credit for having the balls to approach her in that way. Plus, you’ve already established that you’re hitting on her, so if she stays in the conversation with you, she’s at least passively interested.
If you go indirect, you should never get blown out. But you haven’t really made a move. You’ll have to help her discover your great qualities in the first few minutes of conversation, and then show your interest and see what happens.
Either of those approaches can work. It depends on the situation and your personal preference.
But if you offer to buy her a drink, you get the disadvantages of both with the advantage of neither. You’re not a philanthropist buying a round for the house, so she knows you’re interested in her (and can blow you out right away). But you haven’t made that interest explicit yet, so you don’t get any points for passive attraction. And just like if you start with an indirect approach, at some point you’re still going to have to make your move.
The exceptions
So, I should never, ever buy her a drink?
Every rule has exceptions, and Love Systems did not come down from Mt. Sinai on stone tablets. Here are some of the most common ones:
You’re both at the bar about to order a drink. It’s not required, but in the right context it can be a classy move to pick up the tab for both.
If you’ve been talking to her for at least a few minutes and you want a drink, it’s absolutely appropriate to ask if she also wants one, and, if so, to pay for both. (If she brings up or asks for a drink, it’s on her to pay. Not to save money, but so she doesn’t think you’re a chump.)
You’re on a date with her.
The bottom line: Most of the time, the reason why you don’t want to buy a girl a drink is because it will make it harder for her to be attracted to you. It’s not about saving money or some kind of power struggle. And after the first few minutes, all bets all off and you can use your judgment. Just don’t start off with the drink offer.
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Read more in Men’s Fitness
Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.
