by Stanley Azuakola

Labaran Maku tackles Reuben Abbati

President Jonathan’s refusal to say “Amen” during a church service when prayers were being made against corruption has sparked a war of words between the Minister of Information, Labaran Maku and the Presidential Spokesman, Reuben Abati. Abati had been the first to defend the president after the incident, saying that there was a fixed presidential amen limit during any given religious occasion which the president cannot exceed. He said that for now the limit is four “Amens” per occasion (based on the number of years in a presidential term.) According to Abati, that was why the president had been clamouring for tenure extension to 7 years so that the Amen limit can extend to 7 per service. However, Labaran Maku in a separate defense of the president, publicly countered Abati, saying that the actual reason President Jonathan didn’t say Amen was because he is president of both the “rich and the poor, shoed and shoeless, corrupt and incorrupt.” Maku said that just as you cannot accuse God of being evil for sending sun and rain to both the good and bad, so you cannot accuse the president of being corrupt for “sending love and friendship to both the corrupt and the very corrupt.”

President Jonathan to change mind on MAUL

A Pinch…has gathered from a reliable source that the president might be having a change of heart concerning the renaming of the University of Lagos (UNILAG) to Moshood Abiola University Lagos (MAUL) in honour of the late Moshood Kashimawo Olawale Abiola. However, in order not to look weak, he’s decided not to revert toUNILAG but to use the late politician’s two other names. Thus, the school would be known as Kashimawo Olawale University Lagos (KOUL, pronounced the same way as ‘cool’) with the motto: making students cool with themselves again. According to the source, President Goodluck who is a student and beneficiary of the power of names is afraid of the repercussions a name like MAUL might have in the lives of the students. The four pieces of evidence against using the name MAUL are:

1. The dictionary defines “maul” as to beat, batter, or tear at a person; handle a person roughly or criticise a person severely. Already in evidence against the president.
2. Maul could also refer to a large heavy hammer used in splitting stubborn log. It is worth emphasizing that nobody is saying the president is a stubborn log in need of splitting.
3. Maul is also a DC comic book character who is half-human, half-titanthrope and experiences powerful rage.
4. Maul is also a fictional character in the science fiction saga Star Wars who was an assassin sent to kill Obi-wan Kenobi (a name which sounds very Nigerian.)

CROWNED CLOWN (CeeCee) OF THE WEEK

What happened in Rivers State last week was a crime against decency and fairness. A sitting governor in cahoots with cowering legislators signed a bill which effectively ensures that he continues to enjoy the perks of office for life.

When Gov Amaechi and his deputy Tele Ikuru leave office, they’ll be entitled to 100 per cent of their basic salaries, two choice houses in any area of their choice in Rivers State and Abuja, three cars (replaceable every three years), funding for any furniture of their choice, utility, entertainment, free medical expenses for them and their immediate family, eleven security details, and pensionable domestic staff including a cook, steward, and gardener.

Frankly, no comment about how Amaechi is “working,” or how he’s the “Fashola” of the PDP can justify this brazen greed. A Pinch … has no words for the House of Assembly which acceded to this daylight robbery? Rather than this travesty, the governor would have been better served if he left office and started up a business, maybe offer consultancy services. “Greedy Clowns Consult,” might have been a great name.

Editor’s Note: A Pinch of Salt … is satire – a riff off news over the past week.

Follow A Pinch…on twitter @stanleyazuakola