by Olusegun Dada

Even if a war breaks out in your country before you leave, that’s not an excuse not to globe-trot. By all means, just go. After all, planes fly very well on auto-pilot mode.

This article is inspired by a once-famous – but now infamous – hat-donning president of a supposedly great West African country; a man who has greatly ‘inspired’ people on how to be a great failure in leadership and governance.

I propose that this caption be the title of the book he would write after his exit from office. He has redefined leadership and presidency with these set of new laws.

I present to you the 26 laws of presidency:

1. Don’t attend any presidential debate. Presidential debates are for suckers. Instead, hold an interview with a musician, or a dancer or a stripper.

2. Deceit is important. When campaigning, make a puppy face at any opportunity and explain how you had no shoes. Go on your knees and beg them to vote for you. If they are gullible enough, you will win. Rig excessively too.

3. In your thought, words and actions, show ethnic bigotry. It is important for your downfall.

4. Ex-criminals are nice people. Have them in your kitchen cabinet, take their advice and make them your de-facto presidential spokespersons. Give them security contacts too.

5. Have no genuine care and concern for those you lead. And as much as possible, show it at every opportunity.

6. Surround yourself with men of easy virtue, and herded by women of shallow philosophies.

7. Even when your predecessor claims he left, $35bn in the Foreign Reserves and it disappears magically under your watch, smile… All is well.

8. Tag anyone and everyone who criticizes you as a ‘detractor’, see them as your enemy. In all you do, never listen to them or their counsel. Ever!

9. Make sure everyone who visits you at the government house is lavishly enticed with “Transport Fare”; one that is large enough to repair roads, provide water or build schools. It must come in dollar bills.

10. Marry a woman who has the IQ of a wall-gecko. Remember, failure is sexually transmitted.

11. For every situation that arises, constitute committees; a lot of them. Then at the end of the year, constitute another committee to ascertain how many committees you have constituted. With these committees in place, you never need to work. They will do all the work.

12. Take advantage of any opportunity that arises to go globe-trotting. Bring up excuses, call it a search for foreign investors or cassava planting missions in other countries, state visits, or the naming ceremony of a foreign president’s grandson’s daughter. Even if a war breaks out in your country before you leave, that’s not an excuse not to globe-trot. By all means, just go. After all, planes fly very well on auto-pilot mode.

13. Scrap the idea of fighting any war against corruption by prosecuting former governors known to have looted their states, they are your friends. And friends, like diamonds, are forever. Ignore calls for their prosecution.

14. You need an Attack Dog! Don’t ever forget this. When you need to find one, look for an attack dog with experience. No matter how tainted he is or shady his past is, you will need him to grovel against your enemies.

15. When something tragic happens, like a bomb blast or a plane crash, cry profusely on National TV and promise that the perpetrators will be brought to book. Even though you know that will never happen, cry very well. And after three months, return the perpetrators back to business.

16. Never ever declare your assets! The people you rule have no right to know how much you are worth. They have no business with that even if your offshore and onshore accounts are fat and shapeless.

17. Food is important. Make sure the amount you budget on your food per year is enough to feed the people who came to listen to Jesus speak for 55years.

18. Even when you begged your way into power, whenever you are called to take action, tell your detractors you are not a Pharaoh, a lion, an army general, or a magician. Frown your face so they get the message.

19. Always make sure all your policies are anti-people. Antagonize them as much as you can. They are your enemies! Never pity your enemies.
As long as the Harvard/Yale wielding economists you have in your cabinet say the policy is okay, forget about reality! Listen to them! They are wiser than the entire population of the ‘ordinary people’ you lead.

20. Whenever you give a speech on National TV, make it as depressing as ever. Make it depressing enough for people to commit suicide after listening. The less the population to rule over, the more money to loot.

21. Blame everything wrong that happens on your predecessors; from bad roads to security and corruption. Ignore calls to resign. Don’t ever resign! Stay put and be as ineffective as you can be.

22. Be weak against the strong (or cabal), and be strong against the weak. Intimidate them, if possible, use soldiers with whips.

23. At every public function, use words like “vow” “pledge” and “promise”, the joke is on the foolish citizen if they can’t understand that you are just kidding.

24. Blame your detractors for not allowing you to perform. Always find someone to blame. Always.

25. There is no such thing as not negotiating with terrorists, it is the easy way out because money is all that is involved. Even when they have murdered thousands and maimed tens of thousands, it really doesn’t matter.

26. In all you do, NEVER GIVE A DAMN! DON’T YOU EVER GIVE A DAMN.

Taking to these points will help catapult you to heights of infamy. Engrave these laws deeply on the faces of every rock in Nigeria; including Aso Rock.

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Dada Olusegun is a registered member of Congress for Political Change (CPC), he is a writer cum social change advocate. He is a political columnist on #EkekeeeDotCom and contributor on numerous online blogs and newspapers. He is a motivational speaker who is also involved in youth empowerment and enlightenment programs nationwide. He tweets from @Dolusegun.

 

Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.