Opinion: The dreaded word ‘No’

by Oluranti Fatoye

The dreaded word has been spoken. You asked your child to do something reasonable, like wash his hands before a meal; put his shoes on so you can get out of the house; pick up the toys he left scattered in the living room; brush his teeth before going to bed.

Yet your child at a year, two, three, four or older has a mind of his own. You love that mind of his, his growing independence and assertiveness, his desire to decide what he wants to do and when. But you wish he would be reasonable! You wish he would do, without so much fuss, what you want him to do.

Negotiating the gap between what we want and what our children want can strain our patience and skill level to their limit. Parenting books attest to this, as one after another focuses on how to get our children to do what we want them to do whether through “effective discipline,” rewards, punishments, or dialogue.

Recently, a parent asked me about a struggle very familiar to most parents of toddlers and young preschoolers. Wanting to know how she might deal with a “no” from her 2-year-old without resorting to force, she described the following situation:

“Sometimes my daughter refuses to get into the car seat, in which case we ‘force’ her in. This issue involves protecting my child from harm. But it could be argued that we could simply choose to wait and not go anywhere in the car until we can talk her into getting in herself. However, like most people, we are always rushing around, and waiting is very rarely a practical option.”

A non-violent Communication dialogue may or may not help the parent solve this problem quickly, but it will certainly support her in having the quality of relationship she wants to have with her child.) The dialogue might look something like this:

Parent: Hey, it’s time to leave to go to Grandpa’s.

Child: NO! NO! NO!

Parent: Are you enjoying what you’re doing and want to continue doing it?

Child: YES! I want to keep playing with my toy!

Parent: You’re really having fun with your toy?

Child: Yes!

Parent: I’m enjoying seeing how fun it is for you. I’m worried because I like getting to places when I say I will. (Instead of coming back with her own “no,” the parent expresses her feelings and her need for responsibility.)

If we want to get to Grandpa’s when I told him we’ll be there, this is the time to leave. So would you be willing to get into the car seat now? (Mum ends with a request that lets her daughter know what mum would like at this moment that may help mum meet her needs.)

Child: NO! I want to play now!

Parent: I’m confused about what to do. I like when you do things you enjoy, and I also want to do what I said I was going to do. (Mum is showing her daughter that she cares about meeting both their needs.)

Would you be willing to go into the car seat in 5 minutes so we could get there soon? (Mum offers a strategy that might meet both their needs, again in the form of a request.)

Child: OK.

Or maybe it wasn’t that easy. . .

Depending on the child’s age, ideas for strategies to meet everyone’s needs might come from the parent with feedback from the child, or from both people. My son started coming up with strategies to meet all of our needs before his third birthday, often innovative and workable ones we had not considered.

Even if the child still says “no” at this stage, non-violent communication continues to offer options for dialogue that deepen connection. With repeated experiences that give the child confidence that adults respect his needs as well as their own, he will steadily develop a greater capacity for considering others’ needs and acting to meet them.

In using non-violent communication, we focus on how to meet all of our needs, sometimes postponing decisions until we have made a connection with each other that will be the basis for a solution. Having connected, the parent and child working on the car seat situation might come up with a variety of strategies, depending on which needs are most alive for them. The parent might realise that she could meet her need for responsibility by calling Grandpa and making the date an hour later. She might choose to meet her need for consideration by expressing her feeling and needs more passionately and seeking to understand her daughter. Or she might connect with her needs for harmony and ease and choose to change the plans. If the plans are changed out of a clear choice to meet needs, this is quite different from “giving in” to the child’s “whims.”


Op–ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija

Oluranti Fatoye is a social worker, an entrepreneur, who is focused on an integrated approach to empowering abuse children. She blogs about everything that concerns children (hhcinitiative.blogspot.com.ng).

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