Opinion: Keeping up with the Jonathans

by Adepoju Paul Olusegun

”Darling are we sure we made the right decision by accepting the permanent secretary appointment?”

”What are you talking about? You’ve been looking for an opportunity to get rid of me from Aso Rock. Now that you got your chance you are changing your mind.”

“It’s not like that, I just want to ensure all parties are happy with the decision.”

“And since when did you start caring about what everyone wants? Looks like BH is getting to you.”

“What is BH? Boko Ha…..”

(Interjects) “shhhhhhh, don’t mention that name abeg. Don’t you know they have eyes and ears everywhere?”

“I just appointed new security chiefs, they are on top of the situation.”

“You didn’t just say that. It’s okay to be deceived inasmuch as you are not deceiving yourself. But you are carrying that stereotypical message to our matrimonial bed. Kai, Reuben don enter your head o!”

“Are they false?”

“Yes they are. Or do you think they are true?”

“Yes. Cos newspapers rarely publish news on BH these days.”

“What do you expect? ThisDay office was bombed right under our nose here in Abuja. Thank God the bomb didn’t extend to Jabi Motor Park on the other side of the road. Since then, papers had lowered their coverage since they are not sure which outlet is next. My dear, stop listening and reading wrong reports they doctor here in this rocky heavens.”

“So how will I know what is truly happening in Nigeria?”

“Two options. Me and Facebook.”

“But you are a Perm Sec now, and my Facebook page is filled with curses that outlive our tenth generation. So I’m still stuck with my special advisers and various presidential committees.”

“Give me an official appointment and I’ll advise you accordingly.”

“Lol, I can’t stop laughing.”

“Which one is ‘lol’? Is it not a popular chatting abbreviation? Why are you using it for me?”

“Sorry dear, I’m just at a crossroads and shocked with the strong odds against my government. There is nothing I do that people won’t complain about. Just imagine how kids that were not born when I got my PhD were insulting me when I honored MKO by renaming UNILAG. One of the posters read ‘GEJ is confused as usual’. I don’t know how to please these people.”

“You don’t have to please anybody. You should learn from me. They say I can’t speak correct English language and advise I stick to the written speeches. But do I care? I don’t mind them. I know a lot of journalists are now in Bayelsa waiting for me to start making silly grammartical mistakes but I don’t go around worrying myself.”

“I think you should be concerned. I was a lil scared when you said ‘we all have AIDS’ but not as scared as when you said “fellow widows”. Those are serious words with potentially fatal consequences, especially in a superstitious nation and presidential habitation like ours.”

“You won’t die young my dear. You didn’t die as a lecturer despite the numerous ASUU strikes, you didn’t die as deputy governor, as governor and as vice president.”

“But there is power in the tongue, or didn’t you hear the vicar’s message at the Fathers’ Day celebration service?”

“Ooooh! The service at which you refused to say amen to the preachers’ prayers.”

“Yea, that one. But what is the problem of Nigerians, must I say amen to every prayer said by Pastor Adeboye, Cardinal Okojie, and Pastor Chris?”

“Which of the ‘Chrises’, the one with hair issue or the one with marital issues”

“Don’t judge the man of God”

“People shouldn’t judge me either”

“You are their leader, they elected you.”

“Pastors are leaders too, double standards could destroy this nation.”

“How?”

“My wife makes linguistic mistakes, she becomes a laughing stock; the GO makes grammartical errors, they call it a word of knowledge”

“A man beats his child, they charge him for assault; a pastor slaps a member, they call it deliverance.”

“Oh, this is my favorite.”

“Tell me”

“Okay here it is. Fela marries many wives in a day, they call him a fornicator; a pastor divorces his third wife going for fourth, they say he’s being persecuted.”

“Someone once said the best way to get away with a crime in Nigeria is to say the phrase ‘Thus saith the Lord’ before commiting the crime.”

“Just like the various killings in the north that are giving me sleepless nights. As you can bear me witness, I barely sleep these days”

“I agree with you, and it is affecting your performance, I can tell.”

“Which performance are you talking about?”

“No it’s nothing, keep talking”

“Just imagine the headaches I have to cure: insecurity, power, refineries, roads, godfathers, ACN which by the way is getting stronger these days, and the economy which Ngozi said needs urgent actions”

“What of the pastor that keeps attacking you from the pulpit, Dele who keeps swinging the pedulum, El-Rufai that can’t stay off Twitter, Omojuwa, and the ‘enemies’ cursing you on Facebook? Obviously Reuben cannot handle all of them alone. Maybe you should set up a committee to handle that area for you.”

“LWKMD”

“Stop using those chat abbreviations for me”

“Sorry dear, your suggestion made me laugh. If I heard you right, you want me to set up a Presidential Committee On The Handling Of The President’s Enemies. Right?”

“Something like that”

“That is not a committee, it’s a killer squad, members will include professionals like Sergeant Rogers. Abeg I no get that kain mind”

“Those people are not being fair with their clamour for your resignation, the latest being the legislators”

“Seriously, I’m not afraid of the plot, because how can a house whose members couldn’t obey the first rule of corruption which is “Thou shall not get caught” successfully impeach me?”

“Are you saying it is not possible? Cos if you are thinking that then you might be wrong.”

“How do you mean?”

“Remember Etteh Must Go?”

“Yes”

“They painted her before the whole world as corrupt only for you to give her a national award when she was found innocent. I see them deploying the same strategy here, that’s why we need my Perm Second job which has a guaranteed retirement package.”

“I can’t imagine that happening because I’ve not concluded my Transformation Agenda”

“Just keep exposing them, I know that’s why they are angry but don’t dull yourself like Etteh and reduce the number of literary warriors by attracting them with juicy appointments. I love what you did with Ribadu, poor boy”

“You are so intelligent and helpful tonight, what is responsible?”

“The weather is cold, my husband is here and we are all by ourselves. What do you expect? Stop asking questions and let’s get it over with before breaking news take you away from my side.”

“Now you understand why I like to be on top, of the situation of course.”

“Hehehe, oya now”

This article was first published in Sahara Reporters.

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Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.

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