Yeah, I swore. Straight people, especially straight men are gay as hell. They’re so gay they put the ‘masc for masc’/no fats no fems crowd to shame. Straight men are obsessed with your penis. They’re always stealing glances at it, will grope you and tell you to chill out, they were just ‘pranking’ you. They make high nasally voices, flip their imaginary hair, tip-toe around as though they’re wearing heels for a laugh. They spend hours watching men in skimpy tights and bulge cups tackle other men to the ground and cheer when there is a lot of body contact. They worship other men, get hair styles just because the men who wear skimpy tights did it first. They all wear skinny jeans because Lil Wayne wore them. What is this, high school?

They’re really, really gay.

But you know when straight men are at their gayest?

When you talk about sex.

Oh lord. They want to know everything, who the girl you slept with was, how many times you did it. Did you feel up her breasts, did she give you a blow job? Was the blow job sloppy or dry? Did she use teeth? And the main event, man give them all the details. Was she tight or wide as an expressway? Slow strokes or fast? How long did you last? Did she swallow? The next time you guys do it, will you make a video or let them hide in a corner or watch?

You know what is the only constant every time you tell them about the women you have sex with?  That’s right. It’s you. You’re the one they’re obsessed with. The women might as well not exist. It’s you and your penis they’re curious about.

Not that you’re any better. After all you spend all your time wondering what gay men do with their penises. You agonize about who they’re putting their penises in, who was on top and who was under. How do they find the people they sleep with, where do they do it? Who is the ‘woman’? Was there anal? You pretend to be disgusted but damn you spend a lot of time talking about if for someone who is disgusted. Maybe you’re really just curious. Don’t worry, you can tell us.

Straight men are gay as f__k, especially you.

Isime Esene