Temitope Shittu-Alamu: I’ve got questions… Who’s got answers?

Maybe I’ll just keep observing from a neutral angle. Maybe a prostitute really has genuine reasons, maybe marriages usually get sour after a while. Maybe I’ll never know.

For a very long time now I have had questions. Questions about general and/or random acts of people. Perhaps not totally random, but acts that I have come to decide that I may never understand. Many of these questions have been asked at some point or the other. It doesn’t change the fact though that as long as no answers are plainly given and no justifiable reasons for those acts are put out they would continue to linger in my head. I write not to be judgemental but to understand the intent and reasons for the decisions of humans. Of course I am not ignorant of the fact that I may never get any satisfactory result or answers, but in the long run I am hoping that this regular rant of mine about it would give me an edge to it, or at least closure, howbeit tiny.

To begin with, it’s quite difficult for me to understand a number of things. Mathematics would be a solid example. Of course I am not a dullard, I have just never been interested. Likewise, it is also quite difficult for me to understand why many girls remain in abusive relationships. Unlike maths, many who know me know that this issue is one of interest.  Regularly it comes up in my writings, discussions and general opinion. I have asked, I have put myself in their shoes, I have watched from a neutral angle. I’ll just never be able to get it. I have heard about the fear of being lonely. It is ridiculous to me. I understand how passionately women can love. They are in it to stay in it. They love with their complete being and it might perhaps be a hard task to get out of a hurting romance. But how the bruises and black eye don’t push something in them I can’t tell. So each time, I just give up and think to myself that there must be something that this battered girls are seeing and enduring that I am not. Whatever it is, I’ll never be able to understand.

Some fathers rape their little girls from a ridiculously tender age. I have watched Bishop TD Jakes’ “Woman Thou art Loosed” a number of times in a bid to read and understand the minds of these men. I have wondered why little girls would never tell their mothers or find help some way. I then realized the ones who told were not believed anyway. I ultimately put the blame on the mother for being irresponsible, another time I transferred it to the father for being weak at protecting his own blood, then back to the poor girl. But then again, I’ll never understand. Someone sexually assaulted a 7-year-old cousin of mine. It didn’t lead to rape thankfully, but she never mentioned it for a long while, and her reason was because she felt she had offended God and was too ashamed to mention that a random young “uncle” was secretly touching her. Poor innocent mind.

I long for a chat with a rapist dad (a repentant one), because I can’t understand it. What kind of rage would he explain consumes him? I’ll like for a psychologist to give this rage a name, to explain to me that some certain cells in the brain usually dissolve or disappear at this point. I’ll just like an explanation, doesn’t matter how gibberish it sounds.

Divorce would be another big one for me. It isn’t a big deal anymore that loving couples divorce. I mean like one party just literally packs up and says, “I have had it.” The part I’ll never get is where the love or seeming love affair disappeared to in 72 days. I’ll never understand what people mean by irreconcilable differences. How irreconcilable can a matter get? If a wife was arranged for you from the village by your mother and the council of elders, I’ll might give you a pass, but you saw her with your eyes, you kissed her with your lips and asked her to marry you with your mouth? What In the world then happened? How badly did things go. I have never been married so of course I may not be able to tell or see like the couple. But one thing I know for sure is that dialogue and respect can solve at least half of the divorce cases. Maybe I have no research or statistics to prove. Maybe I have no business discussing divorce as I have never been married. So maybe again, I’ll never understand. How hatred sets in and these same old lovey-dovey couple can’t stick each other anymore is beyond me.

All in all, as my answers haven’t particularly brilliantly rolled in, I choose to never be judgemental about the life and activities of people we have termed “insane”. From vicious sibling rivalry to “prestigious” prostitution, abortion, substance abuse and all, I bet everyone has a “genuine” reason for whatever it is they put up.. The rapist dad for me has as much psychological issues as the girl going through the trauma of rape. It depends majorly on how we choose to see it. Note please that this is in no way to justify actions of disturbed, derailed or just plain foolish persons. Far from it. I am at the point of nearly coming to the decision that bitterness would lead you to destroying yourself contrary to what you originally had planned. Maybe I’ll just keep observing from a neutral angle. Maybe a prostitute really has genuine reasons, maybe marriages usually get sour after a while. Maybe I’ll never know. I know though that if people have made anything work before, people can make it work again. The fact that there are repentant rapists dads, and couple’s who get back together sorta proves that to me. But like I stated earlier, judging these cases hasn’t brought me any answers. The only thing I know about these things right now is that I don’t know enough, and that life isn’t always about what I think it should be. My perception may be just right to me, doesn’t make it the only way. In the end I ultimately just want a rainbow in everyone’s sky. How ever it is the rainbow comes out and whatever time it takes is never know.

I guess for now, that works for me. I’ll live and learn.


Temitope Shittu-Alamu, is a writer, an eclectic public speaker and master of ceremonies with a degree in History and International Relations. Passionate about the media and of a strong belief that “it is my platform to building the Nigeria of my dreams”. She hosts an annual Christmas show on television. She loves God. She loves people too.

Did she mention that she loves garri? Wow, it keeps her going. She blogs at http://eclectictope.wordpress.com/

Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.

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Comments (6)

  1. You just reminded us all about the dynamic, unpredictable and sometimes illogical nature of man, the core reason why; like you have rightly pointed out, we will never understand why some people act the way they do, not even a thorough study of Tim Lahaye's book 'Why you act the way you do' and a vast understanding of all temperaments will provide this. Little wonder sometimes even the culprits use the line 'Its the devil's work'. However, we also shouldn't be too quick to pass judgment, we are human and what truly lies behind our proper and articulate self if faced with certain situations……We might never know.

    Nice piece Tope. 🙂

  2. I hear dt opinions are d cheapest things around;cos they go 4 notin..but I realized dt it doesn't make much sense dt haven given mine and d oda person does d same;d world hasn't still changed. so,I resolved dt when it comes to life issues,its just best to meet someone smarter than life..;bcos,"cos it is doesn't mean it ought to be"…wat ve I said?….wat we see,hear and wat we experience is not the best jugde of things!

  3. Questions that never has one answer..I just choose not to understand by head knowledge cos I never will…well asked

  4. And yet another good write. Way to go Dolly! Human beings are simply….complex! And its a good thing you've not been judging people. Hopefully someday you and I will understand certain things better. Hearing a tale from the "horse's" mouth changes perspective.

    But! But! But! Raaaaapppee! Rape beats me. I just can't comprehend why a man will rape; his daughter or not. Rape in my court deserves capital punishment!

  5. Nice and thought provoking. We truly shouldn't judge people without being in their shoes. However, that's not in all cases!!

  6. Nothing about human is simple. We are insatiable.

cool good eh love2 cute confused notgood numb disgusting fail