The women are coming! All in last week’s news… with a pinch of salt

by Stanley Azuakola

A special rendition of Beyonce’s ‘Girls who run the world,’ was performed by music legend Onyeka Onwenu…

Nigeria-South Africa friendly called off

A proposed football friendly between Nigeria’s Super Eagles and the Bafana Bafana of South Africa has been called off due to Nigeria’s insistence that there be no yellow cards in the game. FIFA and South Africa FA officials rejected the demand, saying that “Nigeria should understand that a football yellow card is different from a yellow fever yellow card.” But Nigeria refused to budge. Nigeria also demanded that if a Nigerian player is shown a red card in the match, a South African player must also be immediately sent off. They said that this was in line with Nigeria’s new tit-for-tat diplomacy. It is still unclear if South Africa will apologise for rejecting Nigeria’s demands.

 

Nigerian women strategise

A host of powerful ladies were in attendance at a high level secret meeting held on International Women’s Day to brainstorm on strategies for “the great women take-over.” Details of the meeting which was leaked to the press revealed that attendees at the event included first lady, Dame Patience Jonathan; almost-president Sarah Jubril; first lady of oil, Diezani Madueke; ex-speaker Patricia Etteh and former first mother of Abia State, Eunice Kalu. A special rendition of Beyonce’s ‘Girls who run the world,’ was performed by music legend Onyeka Onwenu, after which the women decided to adopt the song as their “take-over anthem.” Top on the agenda at the meeting was how to ensure that the next woman who runs for president in Nigeria can get at least double of the one vote Sarah Jubril got the last time at her party’s convention.

 

A Pinch’s Guide to becoming a Nigerian Politician

A Pinch of N(u)ews has released another exciting book- ‘How to be a Nigerian politician’. Already, the book is receiving rave reviews. Excerpts from the book, which is written like an advice to aspiring next generation political dons, are reproduced below:

1. You know you want power. Everybody knows it. But you must never have any ambition. Your “people” must always beg you to run for office. Make sure you make them beg you.

2. No need to launch your campaign early. Wait until at least 2 months to D-day.

3. Do all you can to get your party’s ticket, but if you can’t, remember there are 50 other parties.

4. You don’t have to be a crowd-puller, you can always rent one (everybody has a price.)

5. Download free manifesto samples online. Copy as you like. Who sends? Just don’t forget to change the heading please.

6. Review your position every four years –pro-zoning or anti-zoning.

7. The only free and fair outcome, of course, is when you win.

8. Memorise these words: “We would set up a committee to look into the immediate and remote causes of the crisis,” because you’ll use it a lot.

9. Don’t esteem yourself lightly at all. A sense of self-importance isn’t pride; you deserve it.

10. London is not a good hide-out. You will understand at the right time.

 

CROWNED CLOWN (CeeCee) OF THE WEEK

This week, the CeeCee is in familiar territory. There is something you should know –those men and ladies in the national assembly do not have your interest in their hearts at all. Try not to forget that. Their latest escapade is the surreptitious purchase by the Senate of Prado Jeeps collectively worth at least N1.2billion at a time when fiscal prudence is the rallying cry of the masses.

PDP senators did not reject it; ACN senators did not; neither did the ANPP nor CPC senators. They were united in purpose like soldier ants; in bed together like insatiable lovers. Remember that too. It’s important you keep all these things in mind because soon they’ll come again; they’ll say its Restoration 2015, Transformation 2015 or repeat some other overused slogan. You would tell them, “No guys, we have a fresh slogan for you this time. It’s Defenestration 2015 –time for us to kick all your gluttonous behinds out the window.” They are heavy clowns. Of course you knew that.

 

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Comments (7)

  1. This is hilarious. I was actually laughing out loud. Wow! Thanks for this piece Stanley! Honestly, I can't wait for ‘Defenestration 2015' to 'kick their gluttonous behind out of the window'. Hahahahaha!

  2. Brilliant piece, as always, Stan. The FGN/SA saga was really a shame,though. I like the twist you gave it here.

    And our parliamentarians, though… Any week they don't win CeCee is a plus for them,really.

    Oh, and pls,i need a copy of the new book. I know someone who'd need to read it ahead of 2015. Lol!

  3. This Man/Boy Stanley will not kill me..

  4. 'Defenestration 2015'. LOOOOOOOL!

  5. Oga Stanley don use laff kill me. I used to always follow his articles every sunday on guardian. Having him om Y! Naija is a plus. My sunday tonic is now my Tuesday tonic. BTW, that yellow card joke was classic.

cool good eh love2 cute confused notgood numb disgusting fail